Feeling like a failure 😢

[E_05]

Apologies in advance if I begin to ramble but recently I’ve found it hard to shake off my anxiety and get focused on my upcoming FET.

Many of you know I got my dog Tilly after my first MMC, a few weeks back she started hoping on her back leg and I thought nothing of it but after a trip to the Vets turns out she’s damaged her cruciate ligament and will likely need surgery - the thought of it terrifies me.

As the times gone on my moods got lower and lower and I just feel like such a failure, my bodies failed being able to get pregnant naturally the most normal thing for a woman, it’s then failed to keep my precious babies safe and I know feel like I’ve failed Tilly. I know some will think shes ‘just a dog’ but I’m sure most of you agree for us our animals give us a purpose.

I’ve been seeking counselling but it’s a years waiting list so I’m currently looking to have some privately. I don’t know whether I should go through with my FET while mentally I feel so exhausted and unmotivated for treatment - something I’ve never experienced before now. The other part of me thinks will I ever be ready, will the fear of more heartache always enable me to find an excuse to put it off. What happened to my desire to hold my healthy baby out weighing my fear of trying again 😢

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi E_05. Oh dear you are in a pickle, poor thing! First of all my dog had to have a cruciate tendon op and she was fine. The groove in her bone wasn't deep enough, so it kept slipping out. She had it "re-modeled" and she became just as mad as ever! Try not to worry as the vet will look after Tilly. With regards to counselling and the long waiting list, there is a charity called the "British Infertility Counselling Association" who specialise in fertility problems only and relationships. There is a charge, but do have a look at their website and see what you think. bica.net Also, I do have a couple of lists of questions you might like to look through before you see your specialist again. Too long to add here, but if you email me in confidence to [e-mail] I will send them to you. Let's hope that when you go back for your FET is is successful and this time ends in an ongoing safe pregnancy. Thinking of you. Diane

[E_05 in reply to DianeArnold]

Thank you, am glad to hear all went well for her op definitely re assures me I think because of when I got Tilly I’ve always felt a massive fear or losing her to. I’ve just emailed for the list of questions.

[vic77]

firstly I am sending you a huge hug..then I think after ever transfer my mood got lower and lower however once I got into it again I started to feel better..I think the longer you are on this road the hardest it gets .we had counselling and it really helped and I did mindfulness and yoga which helped calm me down however when I had bad days I had bad days and they did pass eventually .also your poor dog..I know exactly how u feel ozzy is our world and he is like a baby to me and helped me so much..I do hope she recovers well..take lots of care of yourself .here anytime xxx

[E_05 in reply to vic77]

Thank you, your right I think it does get tougher as time goes on. I might look into yoga or something to help calm my mind. I think because of when I got Tilly I’ve always had such a fear of losing her to. Hope your doing okay and your pregnancy is progressing well xx

[Penders]

Oh Hun you are not a failure. This journey is so emotionally hard sometimes. I hope that Tilly gets better quickly. Maybe private counselling would be good as you can get it all off your chest, to wait a year for nhs is a long time. Sending you big hugs xxx

[E_05 in reply to Penders]

Thank you, yeah I think I need to deal with my anxiety it’s slowly taking over. How are you doing? Xx

[Cinderella5]

Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time! Dogs damaging their cruciate can be a common problem, often caused by them bouncing around and being a bit over zealous but they're just enjoying themselves so it wont be your fault at all, its just one of those things and certain breeds are more prone than others. My colleague recently had one of her dogs cruciate repaired and her dog was fine. Im sure your Tilly will be in the best of hands with the surgeon doing the OP. I think this has probably just been the icing on the cake for you as understandably you are worried...... she is one of the family. I feel a bit meh at the thought of doing treatment again but on the other hand I want to get on. I think the fear of it not working makes us wonder if its better not to know what the outcome is in case its not the one we hope for! I hope you manage to get counselling sorted out. Perhaps Tilly having her OP and getting back to health will help you feel more positive to move forward if indeed you feel its not the right time as that would be one big worry out of the way?! Sending hugsxx

[E_05 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you so much, i think your right about the icing on the cake! I do totally trust our vet and I know getting it done is what’s right it’s just controlling my anxiety some how over something bad happened to her.

I was ready for it but typical AF has messed everything up, how’s things going for you any news on when you can start? Xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to E_05]

Its just hard constantly having this one our minds isnt it! Just one step at a time my lovely!

God I wish I could take my own advice..........I have a bad habit of trying to look too far ahead - the classic of trying to run before I can walk thing. Ha ha ha

My AF funnily enough isnt playing ball either. Im having repeat bloods on Monday to see if my levels are ok and thought I had another week to get results and decide whether I could start the pill in prep for FET. Nope....that plan went out the window, AF arrived today....over a week too soon. Anyhoo, Im going to start the pill tomorrow anyway in the hope that I get good results so fingers crossed!xx

[E_05 in reply to Cinderella5]

Haha I think we’re all guilty of giving others advice that we don’t follow ourselves 🙈

Typical I’m sure they do it on purpose just to cause more problems! Will keep my fingers crossed everything is good and you can get started xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to E_05]

Ive never been early in my life which is sod's law....only other time I was late was just before I started IVF.....so I think you're right....bloody periods! Ha ha Thank you I am hoping so but I never seem to go to plan for me!

I do hope that today is just a darker day than others for you, you know where we are if you need anything, on here or PM! Hope Tilly gets her leg sorted out soon!xx

[E_05 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you, i really appreciate that. I think I just need to get the op booked this waiting (more of it) is what gets me. It definitely helps having here as an outlet xx

[Smang]

I’m sorry your feeling so low E_05, I can definitely relate as I’ve been feeling low after the 2nd failed implantation and since starting up for the third, I feel like I’ve lost the positivity. But I’m forcing myself to go for walks and go out with my friends and family to take the focus away from the pain and medication etc.

Dogs are like family so the stress and anxiety as it would be with any family member. As Diane said the vet will look after your dog. Having had my dog for 14 years, who went through countless surgeries over the years, they are resilient and I’m sure yours will be fine. But I can definitely understand the worry. Hang in there, I think counseling is a great idea although personally can not recommend anyone in particular.

xxx

[E_05 in reply to Smang]

Thank you, yeah your right it is hard to keep positive. One thing I’m grateful for having dogs is they get me out walking. I do trust our vet I know it’s just my own anxiety that is getting out of control and the longer I wait for her op to go ahead the harder it’s getting. Good luck for cycle number 3 xx

[Smang in reply to E_05]

Thank you Xx

[Tugsgirl]

She’s not “just a dog” she’s family. It all seems to happen at once 😞 After my first mmc last year my OH bought me a bunny called Lilly and we both loved her so much and then one month later she passed away. Then we bought Tigger, a little boy bun and didn’t have him a week before he fell ill and died, despite the vets best efforts. In the space of two months I’d lost my baby and two fur babies. Last year was a bad one as you know.. this year isn’t much better so far but (touch wood) we still have our two buns Otto and Amber going strong. I know how you feel about your precious fur baby. You haven’t failed her! And hopefully she’ll be fine, she’s got her Mum to look after her. As for your fet I can only think how I felt, the longer you leave it the harder it gets... Good luck whatever you decide xx

[E_05 in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thank you, you’re right the timing couldn’t be worse in terms of my FET happening once AF decides to turn up. Last year definitely was a crap one, I think that’s what my biggest fear is not the op as I know she needs it to not be in pain but something going wrong and losing her. I hope your doing as okay as can be and wedding planning is going well xx

[Tugsgirl in reply to E_05]

To be honest I wish the wedding was more of a distraction but as it’s just us two there really isn’t much to plan or distract myself with. On the bright side, it’s definitely something to look forward to xx

[Hidden]

I'm so sad to read how low you are. I'm sure we've all felt feelings of inadequacy at some point on this journey - we know that it's quite simply sh!t luck - nature - and none of this is our fault...However, when you're feeling so low, it is difficult for your brain to think rationally and suddenly you're to blame for everything, even stuff that is out of your control, such as your miscarriages or Tilly’s surgery. You are not to blame for anything that has occurred on this journey but you know that; I think Vic is right when she said it's harder the longer it goes on for. We can't advise you on what to do about your FET but it will probably benefit you to try and get into a better headspace before proceeding, so it's great that you're exploring counselling. Can’t you have counselling at the clinic? Sending you lots of love xx

[E_05 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your lovely reply, I think everything has just happened at the same time and Tilly needing surgery has highlighted to me just how bad my anxiety is. My clinic only offer over the phone counselling which I tried once but would rather speak to someone fact to face. How are you doing? Xx

[Hidden in reply to E_05]

It never rains but pours...It's really positive that you recognise how bad your anxiety is at the moment and are doing something about it. I hope you manage to get an appointment soon. With regards to Tilly, she will be well looked after by the vet and I'm sure she'll be fighting fit again soon. Are you doing anything nice this weekend?

I'm doing well thanks. I'm a pro at the injections now and so far no side effects! Hoping that continues but I'm only on day 6 so early days...AF would be due tomorrow but it seems it's normal for it to be late, I just hope it comes sooner rather than later so I can get a better understand of when things may fall and can plan it around work. Oh the joys 🙄 xx

[E_05 in reply to Hidden]

That’s so true, I should be use to it by now! Lol I’m meeting with the counsellor on Tuesday so I feel a bit better today knowing I should have a plan to move forward. I don’t worry about the actual op as I know our vet personally and I know he only does what’s right for her, it’s the worry of something going wrong and losing her.

Glad to hear things are going well, it definitely becomes part of routine doesn’t it. Fingers crossed AF arrives soon xx

[Hidden in reply to E_05]

No one should have to get used to life throwing curveballs at them constantly! I can understand your anxiety about Tilly. I'm so glad you have an appointment on Tuesday- I hope it helps.

AF came on Saturday- on time surprisingly - so my baseline scan is on Thursday. Got a bit of a headache today but that is probably the lack of water rather than a side effect, maybe! Xx

[E_05 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, I’m hopeful that it will. That all sounds good, I use to get awful headaches with burselin lots of water does help though xx

[kelsbels88]

Oh Hun

I was really sad to read this today.

I hope you’re doing as ok as possible. Please remember you are not a failure. It is heartbreaking when as you said your body doesn’t do the one thing it’s meant to. I hope you find the inner strength to move forward.

I think if you can the counselling is a great idea, even if it’s just to get some things out loud.

In terms of Tilly I know how you feel my cat was in a car accident a few months ago and had to have surgery. They are definitely part of the family and regardless of your decision you will always worry.

Fingers crossed for you sending love and hugs 💕💕🍀 xx

[E_05 in reply to kelsbels88]

Thank you so much, I feel a bit better after speaking to everyone on here and am seeing a counsellor Tuesday morning so I’m hoping Il get some sort of plan in place to cope and move forward. How are you doing? Xx

[kelsbels88 in reply to E_05]

You’re welcome 😉

I’m glad you’re feeling better and have the counsellor sorted.

I’m up and down to be honest. I had a lap in Feb which showed both my tubes were blocked, my consultant freed one so we could potentially conceive naturally and then we had the follow up Friday (23rd) where he said that basically he thought the odds were against us and we need to push forward and do ivf. So I’m now trying to come to grips with that journey that I know I’m facing just like so many ladies on here and doubting whether I’m even strong enough to do it.

On top of that feeling that my body is failing me and I am therefore failing my husband, also have to deal with the dilemma of whether I tell me new boss everything.

I’m ok though and will get there thank you for asking it means a lot

Xxx

[E_05 in reply to kelsbels88]

I understand those feelings of failing but your definitely not, you and your husband will become the strongest team through this. Try not to think to far ahead of what’s to come as it can become very over whelming. Your strong enough to do it though, we’re all to support you xx

[kelsbels88 in reply to E_05]

Thank you hun it’s lovely of you to say with everything you have going on xxx

[E_05 in reply to kelsbels88]

Honestly here anytime, that’s what makes the forum amazing the support we can get from each other xx

[Tezzabell86]

You aren’t a failure in anyway. Life likes to give us tests in life and we always find the strength to follow our dreams however hard it may get. Take one day at a time I know easier said then done but each day brings us a day closer to getting our dreams xxx

[E_05 in reply to Tezzabell86]

Thank you, just wish I knew why life tests some of us more than others xx

[Dunla]

Aw you poor thing, I’m so sorry to hear your wee dog needs surgery. I totally understand your anxiety, she is so much more than “just a dog”. We got our Doggy three years ago after yet another failed cycle and she means the absolute world to us. I’m sure your pupper will be very well looked after by your vet and I wish her a full and speedy recovery.

I’m also sorry to hear you’re not feeling well in yourself, I struggle constantly with anxiety stemming from all of this. A years wait for counselling is a very long time but I do think going privately will be money well spent for you. Although it can be expensive. Is there a fertility counselling charity anywhere near you that may be slightly more affordable? I know the counselling sessions helped me enormously.

I also used to fret about being strong enough physically and emotionally for treatment and I’ve now come to the conclusion that there’s never really an ideal time to get started. That said, if you’ve a lot on your plate, a month or two delay might be worthwhile. It’s just so hard to know what the right thing is to do and I think we torture ourselves over that. We are only human and i think it’s perfectly understandable to be afraid.

Sending you a massive hug 😘 xxx

[E_05 in reply to Dunla]

Thank you for your lovely reply, I’ve got my counselling appointment booked for Tuesday so I’m hoping that will give me a few coping strategies. I think your right about knowing when it’s right to start we could put it off forever as life often gets in the way. Hope your doing okay xx