Hi girls, today I decided to write my first post. I've been reading this forum for a very long time, but I could not decide to share my problem. And now I think that this can help me, maybe if I share with you my problem, it will be easier for me to cope with it. We already have 2 unsuccessful IVF and soon there will be a third attempt. At the moment I'm leading a healthy lifestyle, I'm already starting to stick to the protein diet that the doctor appointed me. We prepare very seriously for each IVF, because this is an important step for us. Although, my husband can not quit smoking. He tries, but so far it is not possible for him to do this, I do not know what to do. I'm worried that all our failures are from smoking. Although, many people say that it does not have a strong influence. I'm very concerned about this question, so I decided to ask, what do you think? How much can my husband's habit influence the success of IVF? Or do we not need to get frustrated beforehand? And I was very interested in another important aspect of this case. How to believe in the success of IVF after 2 failures? You know, we are getting ready for this business, but we do not have faith in success. There is simply no faith in success and we can not do anything about it and we are not even afraid to admit it to each other. In general, we do not believe in success, but to prepare for IVF, it is a paradox, is not it? What can you advise us on how to resolve this situation? Perhaps we need to visit a psychologist or a psychotherapist? But my husband does not want to do this, he does not want to spend money on a psychologist. Perhaps the reason that we do not believe in success lies in our first IVF. We really believed in the first attempt. We were very confident that we will do it quickly, the first time. But when we failed, we were so disappointed, it was terrible. We no longer wanted anything, no children, no rest, nothing. Simply, we were so disappointed and all our priorities lost their price. Then we decided that we would live together, but without children. We decided that we will no longer torment yourself IVF. Of course, we knew that IVF is possible in 30% of cases and not always on the first try. But we were so self-confident, because my husband has a good business, we are respected people, we are used to what we are lucky. And then here's the situation happened. What is happening to us now? But after the first failure it took a very long time, then there was a second attempt.
Does smoking affect the result of IVF? - Fertility Network UK
Does smoking affect the result of IVF?
Hi Bibiz,
Smoking is not recommended during IVF, as you want to ensure the best chance and that you are at your best health.
Smoking can affect sperm count etc, etc...
I am unsure of your infertility history but unless you have male factor infertility, I really don’t think smoking in particular is the reason for failure.
I presume you do not smoke and that is more important that you are healthy.
Have you had any follow up appointments after your failed cycles?
Many people have fertility counselling, it might be worth going on it.
It’s important to be positive and not think of possible failure, you both in this together and there are plenty of positive stories everyday!
Stay strong for your next cycle!
Hi, thanks for your reply and thanks for your kind regards. My husband promised that he would try to give up smoking. Yes, he loves me and maybe for my sake he can do it. We try to believe in the best, but we are not good at it. Perhaps we need to visit a psychologist. I do not even know what to do in this situation. Everything is so vague and I have no plans for the future. After all, we do not know how our story ends this time.
Hi, of course smoking should be abandoned. Especially since you already had so many unsuccessful cycles. You understand that smoking has a bad effect on the whole organism. Accordingly, this also has a bad effect on the human reproductive system. I hope that your husband is able to understand this, and he is obliged to give up the habit for the sake of you. The fight against insecurity is very complicated. This is most likely the result of stress. I can only advise you to perform a few of recommendations.
Do something that you enjoy or that actively relieves your stress and can distract you. This could be something like getting a massage, going away for a weekend, or having a nice dinner with friends.
Get counseling for outcome-related anxiety. In addition to the stress that accompanies treatments, the choices you make about them and potential outcomes can cause significant anxiety.
Re-channel negativity by taking a deep breath and thinking of something positive, like doing an activity you love. For example, say to yourself “I may be struggling with infertility, but the condition doesn’t own or define me. I can go out and laugh with other people and even children.”
Taking active steps to reduce and manage any stress in your life can also help you cope more effectively with your infertility.
Use deep breathing techniques to help yourself relax or get through stressful situations. You can do this by sitting or standing up straight and inhaling deeply through your nose for a few seconds. Then hold it and exhale through your nose for the same amount of time as you inhaled. Do these breathing exercise for five minutes when you feel stressed or anxious can help relieve your feelings.
Hi, thanks for your recommendations, maybe I'll start doing them from tomorrow or next week. Do you think that this uncertainty appeared due to the previous stress? Perhaps your opinion deserves attention, because indeed our disappointment was so strong that we long experienced about this.
I hope that smoking will not affect the result of this cycle, but you are absolutely right, smoking is bad. I hope my husband can give up this habit, he promised me recently. Tell me please, and how did you end up on this forum? Did you also have problems with conceiving a child? Or are you still undergoing treatment?
Of course, I was on this forum for a reason. My husband and I had problems with conceiving a child. We tried to conceive a child exactly one year, after that we went to the doctor. I underwent many examinations and my husband too. It turned out that my husband had problems, he was very upset. The doctor suggested that we use donor's sperm. For us it was a very difficult decision. Perhaps you understand why this decision was difficult for us. My husband wanted children, but he wanted the child to be his blood relatives. My husband refused to use donor material. He suggested that I divorce him and find a healthy man. He understood that he could not accept this child. But I refused to divorce him. Since then, we lived together for several more years. But over the years my husband has changed a lot. He became irritable, unfriendly, he withdrew into himself. We began to communicate little, we did not even have common topics for conversation. Perhaps it was stress that affected him so much, I do not even know. Sometimes he talked to me very rudely, maybe he wanted me to leave him. Perhaps he did it on purpose, for me. I think he wanted me to be disappointed in him and find another man with whom we could have children. Perhaps in this way he cared about me. But I understood this only now, and then I did not understand the reason for his indifference to me. After all, then for the sake of his principles, I gave up my dream. I sacrificed myself and my happiness for him. I could not leave him then, in such a difficult situation. But in the end I left him, because it seemed to me that we had become strangers. We lived separately for about a year, we sometimes communicated. We even formalized our divorce officially. But despite this, I never found a new man and he was also alone. A year later he came to me and asked for forgiveness. He invited me to marry him again. I was so surprised, I thought for a long time whether I should agree to this. But he told me that he would agree to a donor. I was so surprised, I just did not understand that could change his point of view so drastically.
This is a very interesting story, although many couples have similar stories, but in most cases they have a sad ending. And what happened next, how did things develop? Did you do IVF using donor sperm? Your husband did not change his mind before the procedure? He was not afraid of responsibility for you and the child? How could you believe him again? I would beware of such a difference in decisions? Were not you afraid that he could leave you alone? What if he changed his mind again?
You see, at first I had doubts, and very big doubts. Because for that year my husband has changed a lot and since we lived independently, I could not know what influenced his decision. But he came to me and said that he loved me. He said he was ready to educate our children. And he is ready to do it for me. He apologized many times to me. I was not afraid that he could leave me and the child. I assume you had the financial side of this situation? But I own a small business and it gives me financial independence from men. Therefore, I will be able to provide for myself and my child in any situation. And that is what gives me the freedom in action. In addition, I have my own apartment, so because of the finance, I was not worried much. When I moved to live with my husband, we decided to go to the doctor. We again underwent a survey. Again, the doctor said that we need to seek help from a donor. And we began to select a donor for our child. I can say that this is not a simple matter. We really wanted to pick up a donor who would look like my husband.
In any case, I can not judge your husband for the fact that then he refused the donor. Because this is really a very difficult decision. After all, all are struggling to have a child who will be a native. Because otherwise everyone could leave the struggle and adopt a child. But not everyone thinks about it. And even on the contrary, almost every one of us rejects this idea and tries to conceive his child in any possible way. Perhaps your husband felt lonely and realized that he had no meaning in life. And how did you choose the donor? How much of this process was difficult for you? I did not encounter such a situation. Probably, it was very difficult for your husband to choose a donor. Do you think he had doubts? Did he want to give up this business, at least in the back of his soul? And by the way, I have a very important question, how did your relatives react to this process? I'm interested in this issue, because our family has not supported us for a long time. They believe our actions are strange and meaningless. Therefore, we also have this problem, which makes us not believe in the success of this cycle.
Yes, no one should judge my husband.
Our relatives do not even know about this.
It so happened that close relatives are very few and they are not interested in the details of our personal life.
They are only interested in the facts: are we divorced? Have we got married again? How is our health and how is our business?
They never asked us about our plans for children. Because they are quite tactful people and they will never allow themselves to ask someone so much a tactless question. In my opinion this is a big plus, to have such relatives. And we do not communicate with distant relatives. Each of them has a family, little ones, cares, work.
I can also answer your question about choosing a donor. If you do not know, donors' photos are usually not shown.
The selection of a donor occurs according to several criteria. We called the general characteristics of appearance, we needed a look of a Slavic type.
Then we were asked the preferred color of the eyes. We needed a donor with blue eyes. We were also asked about the color of the hair. Since my husband has a light hair color (light blond), we would like that the donor also had such a hair color.
We were also asked to describe the person, i.e. facial features that we need. We were asked about the nose, we were interested in an flat nose, but not small and not snub-nosed. We also asked about the preferred form of the lips and forehead. But we did not think much about it, because it's not so important.
For us the most important thing was - it's height and weight (body structure of the donor). Since my husband has an athletic build and a height of 1.81, we described exactly these parameters.
But most of all I was worried about the blood group and the Rh factor. Since this could affect the course of pregnancy.
The doctor was trying to pick up a donor, which would be most similar to my husband. And also a donor with the corresponding blood group and Rh factor. The doctor saw us and the donor, so he was able to find us a suitable donor. But it happens that the donor has a different color of hair or eyes, but the structure of the face and body is the most similar. So here it is necessary to rely on the doctor.
You know, it may sound strange, but choosing a donor is quite an interesting activity. Of course, it is very difficult to decide on the use of donor material. But in our country you can not use your own eggs with IVF after 42 years, you can use only donor eggs. And after 50 years it is forbidden to do IVF even with donor eggs. Therefore, every married couple who has a problem of infertility, tries to do IVF before 40 years. And many couples who fall under age restrictions go abroad. Tell me please, how was your IVF, the first cycle was successful?
Hello, yes, we did it in the first IVF. With preliminary hormonal stimulation the doctor with the help of puncture took several oocytes from me during the ovulation period. He sent them to a laboratory in which the embryologist connected the sex cells. But in some cases, IVF with donor sperm can be performed by ICSI with the introduction of the sperm directly into the egg. After this, the embryos are placed in a nutrient medium and ripen in a special incubator. This means that for each woman is selected a specific option. And how are you, how is your mood today?
I am very pleased that you are worried about my emotional condition. Today you have improved my mood, it's so nice when you are worried about a stranger. My emotional state is slightly better today. I decided that I need to start adhering to your recommendations from today, and not postponing it next Monday. I began to do breathing exercises, which you advised me. And also I began to inspire myself, I will do everything right. But since I do it out loud, my husband starts laughing at me. Maybe now it looks silly, but I'm interested in trying.
It's very good that you started to follow my recommendations. They are simple enough, but very useful. After all, you know that all genius is simple. By the way, did you make an appointment with friends? This was also one of my recommendations for you. And also I advise you to learn how to ride a horse. These are amazing animals that will help you get rid of stress. In addition, you will be able to learn something new, get acquainted with new people. In addition, you can experience a feeling like adrenaline and it will also have a positive effect on you. By the way, in our country there are also age restrictions on IVF, as well as the use of donor material. Of course, this is very inconvenient for those married couples who are already over 42 years old. Or, for example, if the wife is already 42 years old and her husband is already 50 years old. Then, it turns out that they will not be able to have children even with IVF? Although they may think about surrogacy. However, everything is strict in our country, allowed non-commercial surrogacy. But to ask sister or friend to become a surrogate mother - this is very strange. And I can say with confidence that none of my friends agreed to be surrogate mother for us, if we would need it. Do any of them need other people's problems? In addition, it is a great burden on the body.
Surrogacy is generally a separate topic. I do not even know what to do if IVF fails. Our financial position allows us to think about surrogacy. But we can not ask anyone from our family or friends about it. How can I ask my friend to become a surrogate mother for us? After all, she has a husband and children and why she should spoil her figure and gain weight. Especially by law, we should not give her money for it. In our country, non-commercial surrogacy is also allowed. Yes, I know for sure that none of our friends will agree. I know this 100%, because I would not agree myself. Especially if it's our friend, we'll have to see her all our lives. And suddenly she does not want to give the child? And if she insists that we tell the child the whole truth? It would be a nightmare, just a nightmare. In non-commercial surrogacy, there are only minuses. Of course, for someone, everything free seems to be a plus, but you have to pay for peace. And the inability to do this is a big minus.
Hello, maybe you should think about surrogacy abroad? I understand that you will not be able to ask your relative or friend to be your surrogate mother. I understand you perfectly, I adhere to the same point of view. Perhaps you will have to go abroad, because it is necessary that this process is regulated by law. First of all it is necessary to have no problems with the surrogate mother. After all, it is necessary that you sign a contract with her. You will need to discuss all the important issues. Only then you can breathe easily. And if in your country commercial surrogacydoes not exist, then you can not draw up a contract that will have legal force. Tell me please, how do you feel now? After more than a week has passed since our last conversation. How is your emotional state now? Do you follow my recommendations? Do they help you or have you completely forgotten about them? You promised me that you will think only of good things, you promised me that you will meet with your friends. Did you do it or not? Only please answer me honestly, I really want to help you. I will not blame you for forgetting my advice.
Hello, thank you for your attention to our problem. Honestly, I thought that you already forgot about me and about our conversation. Yes, I adhere to your advice, but my husband still laughs at me. Because I inspire myself with positive thoughts aloud, it's very funny, but I try. I'm thinking of going for yoga, maybe later I'll have to give up these classes, but for at least a month I can attend yoga. Yes, we met with friends on the weekends. We decided to invite them to visit us. You know our friends have a small child, a boy, he is 4 years old. He is very beautiful and nice, I like to play with him. You know, I used to be very jealous of them, because they have such a sweet kid. But after talking with you, I thought that I should not be jealous of our friends. Because it destroys my soul and my thoughts. I have to think about my family and take care of my health. And this is not my child and I inspire myself that I should love him, but I do not need to become attached to this child. Yes, we again thought about the maternity, but we are preparing for IVF now. So after the next cycle, we'll think about it. Of course, if the cycle is unsuccessful, but my husband and I have not talked about a possible outcome for a week already. We are trying to release this situation, because it is very hard for us. Yes, I understand that for surrogacy we will need to go abroad. But this does not frighten us, because we quickly adapt to the new conditions of life, we are quite communicable people.
Of course, we understand that it is necessary to sign a contract with a surrogate mother. And of course, it will be valid only where surrogacy regulate by law.
Even in spite of the fact that we have a stable financial situation, it is not easy to think about surrogacy. But I understand that time goes so fast and decisions need to be made too quickly. But we need to adjust ourselves to the success of our third attempt. You teach me this, do not you? My husband quietly refuses to smoke. Although, of course, as you understand it is very difficult. But it is not easy for him to look at my unstable emotional state. So I suggested that he choose what is more dear to him-my nerves or smoking. He told me that he appreciates me and will try to give up this habit at the time of IVF. To be honest, I do not understand how he lives with me and tolerates me? After all, I'm so nervous all the time.
We finally had our miracle baby after almost 13 years of trying. Ours doctors are absolutely the best at what they do. They were caring, supportive and always answering any question or concern we had.
Doctor looked over all of our efforts to try to have a baby. Which was unexplained with prior testing and fertility attempts with two other fertility specialists. We had done everything up to the point of in vitro and took a break. And we were blessed with the adoption of a little boy. But when he was almost 4 years old, we still yearned to have a natural child as well.
I cannot explain how stunned and shocked I was that it had finally happened!!
We can never thank our doctor and all staff enough for our baby, and the completeness it has brought to our family.
Therefore, you should not despair, you need to be a persistent person. How is your emotional state now? Do you follow a diet and breathing exercises? You must be a strong woman, that's how Azidd1. They used donor sperm and did not give up.
I say when life hands you lemons, you should make some lemonade and enjoy it.
Never give up!
You will win!
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