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Fertility Network UK
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Why are women so cruel?

Today I was dismissing my class and a parent of another year group came bounding into my classroom while other parents were around and children and she asked me very loudly after looking me up and down if I was pregnant. Completely taken aback I said no and I never will be. To which her face fell and she started to try to right things. I asked her to leave but that I would take her feedback on board and start my diet tomorrow. How is this acceptable? I obviously look so overweight that she thought it was necessary to comment but why? I haven't done anything to upset her and only did my absolute best for her child when they were in my class. No wonder the world is battling body dysmorphia when there are women like this out there. My self esteem as a woman was on the floor before but now what's the bloody point? I can't even look acceptable. 😭

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I'm sorry but that s totally unacceptable. It really is. I'm a teacher and would be mortified too if someone said that!!! What a rude parent and good of you for putting her in her place!! Xx

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Thank you. X

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Atrocious!!! Who does she think she is! WITCH! Well done for the quick come back. My acupuncturist said to me last night when I was telling him about some insenstive friends....dont waste negative energy on people who wouldnt waste it on you. Not sure if it will help but helped me last night 😘 xxx

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Thank you. X

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How rude! And ignorant! And screw what she or anyone else thinks anyway. Be you and be proud xx

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Thank you x

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Awwww Mrs c. Big hugs hun. That's not acceptable at all how very dare she. I can't get my head around what iv just read it's mind boggling.

I just want you to know no matter how you look thin fat pink and purple dots on your face you are just lovely and don't let any one ever make you feel any different any one that tries to make you feel different don't give them the satisfaction at all. Your a teacher a respected member of the community don't get low over what she said I find o people like that have way more insecurities than we could ever dream of. Why she did it we will never maybe know but one thing we do know is she looks like an absolute twat and if she's one of them ppl that speak before they think she'll be feeling like an absolute twat. You just don't give her the satisfaction of feeling rubbish due to her nasty comment. Go into school on Monday with a new lipstick or new blusher hold your head up high and work it girlfriend. Don't ever let anyone put you down if they try you rise higher. They will not like that 💗🤗😘

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Thank you. You're very sweet. The thing is I'm not respected as a teacher am I as if I were, people wouldn't dream of speaking to me like that. I was in the middle of doing my job. I was vulnerable with no support around me. I work in a church school and am just so shocked that they feel this an acceptable way to treat others. I've been at my school for ten years and I've never felt so awful as I did today. I haven't a clue what to wear to work on Monday. The worst thing is to look like you're pregnant when you have no hope of being pregnant. x

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Please don't let the minority (in this case one person) rule out the majority. The majority of us parents respect teachers and what they do I know I do and my daughter isn't at school yet. You are a respected member of the community and you have the patience of a saint the fact you put her in her place with an upsetting fact just shows how much courage you have.

I suffer with big belly all the time iv got endo and we call it endo belly look about 6 month pregnant at times my hubby questions it at times,I wear an oversized dress alllllllll the time with leggings underneath. Find something like that or something loose with a print on if that will make you feel comfortable.

I can only imagine how your feeling hun and I know if it was me my confidence would have been knocked for 6 (in the summer a cashier at home bargain said to me oh gosh your making me hot with you all covered up like that really loud and started laughing I cover myself for religious reasons I'm a Muslim I don't cover my face but my body) I felt so embarrassed just laughed it off. Ppl just don't think when they speak sometimes they don't think of the hurt and damage they can cause. But we we don't let it affect us too much because we're better than that and proud of the skin were in aren't we MrsC. Don't let this women and her cruelness take up any more of your worthy head space. Your worth so much more hun 💗🤗😘

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Thanks. Sorry you've had insensitive comments too. People are just so mean. x

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It's probably just stupidity rather than disrespect, I've been asked more than a few times if I'm pregnant, and it's always upsetting but I don't think it's ill intentioned. I work with children also, and I think people get so caught up in babies because so many people are having them all the time when you work with young kids. I'm sorry this happened to you, it's really awful but try not to focus on it too much x

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Thanks but I disagree. She was making a comment about my weight because that was all she had to go on. I do think that is disrespectful. x

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It’s happened several times to me as I put all my weight on my stomach and I’m only a size 12-14 and it wasn’t meant to be an insult they genuinely thought I was but it does hurt and it is something most people know you just never say. Especially as you just don’t know someone’s circumstances so for me it was especially hurtful but I handled it quite well at the time.

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Awful. Very rude and spiteful indeed!! Sounded like u handled it well. Not worth the any time those ppl!!

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Thank you. x

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This is awful, I've had this done to me numerous time at work by collages at work, I work in a huge warehouse and they love to gossip, belive me it has nothing to do with how you look, when I first got asked id lost 2 stone and had one of my tubes removed and when it was shouted to me and I replied no I'm not pregnant I got told well everyone is saying you are ..... like that makes it right.

it says more about the person who asked you that anything else she obviously just wanted to be able the person who knew and could inform everyone else as some people are like that. I would never ask someone if they where pregnant as what happened to people announcing it at 12 weeks it should be peoples news to tell not to be asked.

This however doesn't make it hurt any less as I know it hurts each time.

Just wanted to say your not the only one and send you huge hugs.

Oh I also liked your answer I hope you made her feel awful xx

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Thank you. Sorry you had such an awful time too. x

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I'm so sorry that you had to experience that encounter. Some people seem to think that they can say whatever they like without any regard for others. I assume that you have told the head or deputy head teacher as this kind of very public question is inappropriate to ask of any member of the school staff.

Well done on your response, hopefully she will keep her mouth shut in future.Try not to ruminate on it (easier said than done) and wear whatever you want on Monday.

If you see her you could give her you best teacher look/glare or a big beaming smile. I imagine she'll shrink with embarassment.

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Thanks. I did speak to the head. x

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Sending a hug xx

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Thank you Hun. X

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As a teacher too I have had this. I have had parents ask me, but I also had a cleaner ask how far along I was. I actually think I'm normal weight, but apparently a rumour was going around. This was because I had time off for my ectopic. And obviously every assumes things some months later... waiting for me to announce something. People are just insensitive and too interested in other people's business. Like others have said, I don't waste my time on negative energy anymore. Look after yourself Hun ❤️

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I'm so sorry you've been treated so badly too. I feel really let down by people I work so hard for. I don't want to go back on Monday. x

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Absolutely disgusting, how dare she even comment! Some people really are complete ass holes. Try not to let it get you down, I know its hard though :( Sending hugs xxx

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Thank you. X

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This is outrageous, how rude of her! Glad you said what you did but really feel for you having to be in that position. Enjoy your weekend and try not to let her get you down xx

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Thank you. X

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What a cheeky cow!

Everyone is different shapes and sizes and that’s just how life is. It’s completely unacceptable and I feel sorry for her that she is so small minded that she thinks it’s acceptable to make uninvited comments about someone she barely knows😡.

Don’t give her a second thought, I’m sure your 10 times the woman she is x

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Thank you x

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Think I would have slapped her so well done you for keeping your cool.

People can be so thoughtless at times. Keep your gorgeous chin up and bollox to the stupid people who think it acceptable to say the most ridiculous and hurtful things. Xx

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Completely unacceptable on her part and well done you for giving her an answer that stopped her in her tracks - it is all too easy to think teachers always have to be polite to parents as teachers. I’ve read your comments on here and you are one of the most compassionate people. It’s a shame that isn’t always reciprocated. Don’t change anything about yourself because if this woman’s ignorant comments xxx

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Thanks. I did tell my head how I responded which I don't think was impolite but it wasn't pussyfooting around it. She said she doubts she'll complain about my response. It was honest and I asked her to leave as it was not an appropriate conversation given I was dismissing 6 year old children to their parents. x

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A good idea to report the conversation to your head and great that you have the kind of relationship with her that you can. I didn’t mean to say your comment was impolite, more that hers was. Xxx

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No no I know. Not to worry Hun. Yeah I thought my Head should know because regardless of my infertility, it is unacceptable what she did anyway. If I had been pregnant, what would I have said? It always is announced via the newsletter and obviously no announcement has been made so it was still putting me in a difficult position. I'm the light of a day, I am now panicking that our infertility is going to be spread round through gossip. My husband's parents don't even know. I hate that she has made me into a nervous wreck. Work used to be a sanctuary for me but not any more. I'm going to look for a new job. x

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Every school has its playground gossip. I found out after leaving one school that it was widely believed I was in a relationship with the sports coach - which I wasn’t. I know that doesn’t come close to what you are suggesting they are gossiping about but really, these people don’t matter and if they are gossiping about teachers’ private lives it just shows how boring their own lives are. Move schools if that’s what you would like to do but don’t move because of this. Hope you can put this out if your head and enjoy your weekend xxx

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This is totally outrageous! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. As the others have said, never change who you are. Her comments are more of a reflection on who she is as a person and you dealt with it in a dignified way, however you should never have been put in that position. I am also in teaching and have faced some awkward questions and statements from parents. A classic being 'I think it's important for a teacher to be a mother because then their mothering instincts take over in the classroom and it's reassuring as a parent.' That was not long after returning to school following a loss. I would like to think I am extremely nurturing towards all children despite not being a mother. Keep your chin up and don't let anyone ever make you doubt yourself because you sound bloody fabulous. Xx

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Thank you. Yeah I've had that one too. I'm so sorry you've had it just after a loss though. That must have been so dreadfully upsetting. x

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I hate that one. It's so hurtful and also untrue.

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Please don't let that ignorant woman knock your confidence. She's probably "one of those" who got pregnant without any struggle and therefore has no idea just how hard it can be for some people. This journey makes you far more compassionate and I'd rather be like that than that dreadful woman. I'm glad you made her uncomfortable by saying what you said; perhaps she will think before she speaks in the future.

As others have said, please don't change. There's no need whatsoever. You seem very lovely from your posts, so kind and genuine. That's more important than anything. Take care xx

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Thank you. That's very kind. x

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Oh sweet, I am so sorry to hear about how this woman dared to body shame you like that....to humiliate you like that is totally disgusting! It might do your self esteem some good if you write a letter to the parent, co signed by the head about how insensitive, and cold her attitude towards you was. Clearly this woman needs to be sent back to the school of mindfullness, compassion and diplomacy if nothing else. Don't let this one woman ruin your confidence.

Sending you love and respect

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Thank you x

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Seriously...that is despicable! How dare that mouth be so pass remarkable! How nasty and disrespectful. I feel so angry and also hurt on your behalf. Some people have a quare neck on them to be so downright rude. You handled the situation extremely well and I hope that the cheeky cow is battling with a weighty conscience right now after her insensitive words. Sounds like the type of person who is a real mouth and probably speaks out of turn to other poor people. Try to enjoy your weekend and remember you are a great person and a very dedicated teacher. One day I was in my local library last year and a librarian asked me if I was pregnant. (My husband and I have suffered secondary infertility) I denied it and told her I obviously was just fat. Inside though I was really hurt. The ironic thing is this person is obese. I should've said to her perhaps she was as she is huge. Who are these people?! Need put in their place. Please try not to upset yourself any more by this horrible person. Xo

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Thank you. Yeah I just feel awfully let down. x

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P.s I am not fat at all. Have had ovarian cysts and suspected though undiagnosed endo and have a bit of a bloated gut as a result.

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I'm so sorry to hear this. It's really hard to struggle with body hang ups when they are a result of medical things. It's even harder when others point them out. xxx

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Ahhhh Mrs C xx I'm so sorry this happened to you but glad you actually said something to hopefully make her feel like the stupid thoughtless cow she is. (Not that you should have to). I work in HR and, in the past, have had to deal with a lot of people going on mat leave. One of them was complaining about perceived unfairness by her line manager in respect of time off to look after her other two children. I tried to give my view (which was that he wasn't actually being unfair) to which she said 'do you have kids?' Of course I replied no. Then the dagger - 'well you wouldn't understand'. We had just had our second failed cycle and I felt a mixture of wanting to punch her in the face and wanting to crumple on the floor. Apparently it's not the done thing to punch pregnant women, and somehow I said 'no, I guess not'. I've had lots more comments and stupid questions, and while not about looking pregnant, I do feel sometimes very worthless. I just wanted to sympathise as I think it's extra hard when you're at work and have to 'maintain face' - I have no idea how you work with kids all day, I couldn't, but sending you hugs xxx

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What a stupid, stupid thing to say for so many reasons. This is clearly someone with very low emotional intelligence, and though it would be wonderful if you could put her comments down to stupidity it's so very hard to brush off hurtful words.

Good for you for retaliating in the way you did. I know I would have got flustered and not known how to respond, only to come up with a zippy reply days later!

I do hope you can limit the damage of this horrible experience. Try not to listen to the few horrible voices out there and focus on the thousands of good ones. And if you work out how, please tell me ;-) xxxx

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Isn't it annoying when you come up with the perfect comeback when the moment has past!

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this is one of the worst things I've heard happen as a fellow teacher. How dare the parent do that to you! your head has a responsibility for your well being and i think you should make sure the parent is pulled in and spoken to by them. If they aren't, speak to the union for support. No one has the right to make you feel like this. Spoil yourself this weekend and try not to worry too much x

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Thanks. Yes I'm upset but also frustrated that parents think they can treat people like that. x

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Oh I'm so sorry Mrs C. Sending you big hugs. I too was asked when I was expecting after my laparoscopy and the woman was insistent I was and wouldn't let it drop. It's very hard to take when all we really want is to be pregnant. People just don't think and are very insensitive. I hope today is a better day for you.

Lots of love

xxx

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Thank you. I'm so sorry you were treated so badly as well. That's so awful! x

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Oh my days, I don't even know what to say! Absolutely appalled at that wee witch of a woman!😠 Good for you for putting her in your place, might make her think twice next time for commenting on anything like this. I had this comment many years ago (eek almost 20) when I was only around 20 years old and it's so hurtful and being in this fertility scene muat make it 100 times worse! Sending you hugs xx

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So sorry to hear I work in school as a teacher too. People can be so insenstive. I am petite but people can be so cruel. You are you beautiful , I know people say you should have a thick skin but I am sorry we are all human. How would she like it if someone said something hurtful to her. We are teachers but people also with feelings love yourself she is not worth it.

Look at increasing your confidence love yourself. I am sending you love

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There are so many rude and annoying people in this world! I work in complaints for healthcare. You just need to rise about it (I know easier said than done) sometimes people say nasty things because they have insecurities and it makes them feel better! Please try and ignore it and believe it is just someone being horrible not a true fact, just because someone says it doesn't mean it's true! Big hugs, stay strong 💪🏻

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Parents sometimes don't remember that we teachers are also ordinary human women with feelings. They're a bit like the kids who think we sleep in our cupboards... they just don't realise we are people. And so they speak to us thoughtlessly.

She was incredibly thoughtless, it's never ok to ask someone if they are pregnant, it's their own choice when they want to go public if they are. I hope she doesn't have any younger children so you don't have to talk to her again.

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She doesn't but luckily as we're 2 form entry I could arrange that I didn't teach them again even if I go up Year groups. Yeah! I think it's just that they feel like they own us at times. I can't imagine they'd walk into the bank or the solicitors and say it. x

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You're right, some of them really do think they own us and that they have a right to know what's going on in our lives if it might affect their kids. They think they know us well enough to ask personal questions without ever considering us as more than two dimensional characters in the theatre of "school".

I can't imagine she will be spreading anything around school about your infertility, I would hope she would be too ashamed of herself after your put down, to admit to her parent posse that she had made such a boo-boo.

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I hope so. The problem is that she did it on front of others so they may have heard my response. I was just so taken

aback as she actually came into my room. xxx

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She was so out of order it's unreal! I bet the other parents are actually talking about her and what an idiot she is!

And frankly, even if they are talking about you, it's none of their business. They can think what they like, you just keep knowing that you are doing an excellent job teaching their children. That's why you go to school and your pupils will love you no matter what you look like. On Monday morning, just keep thinking about those little six year olds, not their parents. They're the ones that will get you out of bed and in to work.

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that's bloody rude Only go on a diet for you because its something you really want for you not because of someone else's rudeness.

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Thanks. I just can't bear risking someone else saying it. I'm a size 12 which isn't huge but I am a bit bigger round the tummy at the mo. I'd rather lose the weight and try to get a flatter tum so others don't gossip about me and ask questions. I'm also going to look for a new job. I'm fed up of the middle class Surrey bubble. Perhaps if I worked somewhere else, the parents would value other things rather than what their child's teacher looks like or whether they are procreating. x

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i bloody hate stupid shallow people who value looks above everything else and its them with the problem not you. Who exactly is so perfect that they have a right to criticise someone else?

I bloody hate the middle class bubbles myself and a lot of these parents are just sad losers who live their own unfulfilled dreams through their children and they probably put their children down as well behind closed doors and I feel sorry for the poor children of these horrid people.

Good luck with the job hunting!

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Sorry you have gone through this at the hands of a thoughtless big mouthed insensitive cow bag! Try not to let her get to you. She is not worth your care. Sending hugs xxx

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I'm so sorry mrs c to hear you have had such a rude parent in your domain speak to you like this - how bloody dare she! You handled it very well, I'm proud of you for your strong comeback. I wouldn't have been so strong or quick on my feet. I'm a size 10 but have always had a bloated sticky out stomach that I'm so self conscious off as it feels like I've always looked pregnant but just can't get pregnant - so not fair! Every day I cover it up, breathe in when I'm standing, and I'd be mortified if someone asked me if I was pregnant - it's not happened yet but I'm surprised it hasn't. As I work in health visiting I get asked about 3x a week if I have children, why not, do I want them, has working with them put me off, etc etc. People are only making conversation as the conversation is about their child but they have no idea how all these questions make me feel. It's so hard isn't it. But we mustn't let insensitive people win. Chin up Monday, get back to doing your totally amazing job with pride!!!! All teachers are amazing. Respect yourself, respect your children in your class, and forget those stupid ignorant rude immature parents xxx

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It was rude and uncalled for. I really felt so annoyed that someone would do such a thing to you especially a parent. Where were her manners? What kind of an example was she showing the children or other people around her. It is her mistake and i think she needs to see a psychiatrist. I am really sorry that you had to get through that. Sometimes, we need to be more understanding of others but enough is enough. I wish you more happiness and i praise you for your composure. At least you were gentle with her. If it were I , "beast mode activate" lol... God bless you dear. .. take care xxx

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Totally totally inappropriate. She should never have even commented on your physical appearance pregnant or otherwise. How would she like it if you judged her based on how old she looked or how well dressed or any of other multitude of ways people judge each other.

You are fine as you are my dear. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise xx

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Nasty bit** clearly has issues to behave in that way and who cares what somebody like that thinks anyway!? Shame on her xx

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Hello MrsC I hope you are feeling a little better since you posted 3 months ago. Whatever the intention of that parent you and your self care are all that matter.Hope next time someone seems cruel you feel supported and this helps in the moment.

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Thank you. I do feel better. I joined the gym and am taking back control of my body. All of the drugs just wrecked it last year. I still feel cross that she body shamed me but I think that’s because it drives me nuts anyway. I can’t bear all the focus on body image in the media. Anyway thanks for checking in. It’s very kind of you. xxx

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It's hard to just ignore I know, I've had people in the past just bluntly tell me how fat I was. It's unacceptable but some people just don't have any tact or thought there. Hugs to you ❤️

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I happened on this looking for a group.Im so sorry you went thru this but ty for sharing.I was in resale shop i frequented when i could.A new employee came to me immediately(male) and said, congrats, when is your baby due?!.(just to say me and husband tried for 9 years with a 5 month miscarriage and no baby.)....The owner came quickly and yanked him away to a corner for a "what not".....Crushed isn't even close to how i felt.Some people are idiots some are ignorant and some are mean.Here is an opposite..I went to visit a friend.I am partially deaf so since little read lips.I went into my dear friends home sat down started chatting.She stopped the conversation....stating...YOU haven't said a word, am i just so fat you didn't notice i was pregnant?Honestly, I went for love of friendship and look people in the eye to listen.All i could do was apologize and explain the hearing thing but as you may tell, I'm upset with me!Speaking up is the only way one can communicate truly, I'm glad my friend didn't carry it in her heart silent and you also. People not just woman need to be taught manners if they don't get it and TTC has it beautifully...best wishes

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I am sorry you had to deal with such a rude person. She is a parent of an otherwise normal child? Let's hope it doesn't rub off. And a complaint should go in about her. She would complain about you quick enough.

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I have two sons and as they ggrrw to understand different things in life one lesson I taught them was to never assume anything. One of those lessons was people come in all shapes and sizes. Never assume a woman is pregnant because of her body shape. This sounds like the other woman’s problem not yours. Try to look at it that way! It’s so hurtful I understand but this is definitely her issue not yours. I’m sure it was set up to look like a misunderstanding only to hurt you. I’m so sorry it did! Be strong! You are an individual and special! I know this might sound a little crazy but you almost have to feel sorry for people that mean. Can you imagine how miserable they must be to inflict pain on another human to feel better about themselves? You sound like a strong person, stay strong my friend. Always remember, another lesson I taught my sons our bodies are only shells that pass in time it’s whats inside that matters! Keep talking it out! It’s healthy! If someone makes you feel bad in life cut the string you don’t need them in your life another lesson to my sons! I’m sure you’re a wonderful person! Know that! Feel sorry for people that mean, I do!

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That is disgraceful. Hope she learned to keep her loud opinions to herself.

I have had acne for years and it crippled my self-esteem. Didn't stop people from saying in various forms 'whats wrong with your face'!!! 😅

People are so thoughtless!

Sorry you had to deal with that.

Xxx

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