I'm new, but my infertility isn't

[Wishing4ARainbow]

I'm not sure why I have joined this forum tonight. Perhaps after years of travelling this journey in silence, I'm hoping that keyboard punching my sadness and frustration out into the infinite space that is the internet, I might feel some relief. At this point, I'll try anything to make me feel less...um.. well, just less. Because that is where I am right now, I'm fed up of feeling. The sadness, the disappointment, the anger... but most of all I am fed up of the hope. You'd think our minds would finally let go and allow us to breathe in the deep relief of total acceptance that this isn't going to happen, but infertility isn't like that. It messes with your brain. It teases you with every twinge. It weasles its way into every aspect of your life until your drowning in a dream that may never become a reality. I didn't know it was possible for your heart to physically hurt and feel hollow at the same time, for grief to be so strong it takes your breath away and paralyses you. And for what? Nothing. For nothing has actually happened, but that nothing has become your everything and that in itself is the hardest part. So, for anyone else who's really had enough, but giving up isn't an option, I just want to say that you're not alone, I'm here swaying on the edge of this shit mountain too. Wishing and hoping, and sick of wishing and hoping. x

[bec_83]

Just wanted to say you're not alone either. This post is so poetic - your writing is beautiful and describes exactly how I feel, much better than I ever could. Thank you for sharing, we're all with you xxx

[Wishing4ARainbow in reply to bec_83]

Thank you so much, writing feels very therapeutic right now. It's so wonderful to be joining a community that know exactly how I feel, however I wish none of us had to be here. xxx

[Pinky_123]

I can totally identify with this - the feeling of wanting to shut off the feelings - just to get some relief. I've had enough but can't give up either - where are you up to at the moment, are you waiting for some treatment or having a break? We are preparing to do a donor cycle - we have discussed that this will be our last attempt but whether that's true is anyone's guess....xxx

[Sjt82]

Welcome!!! I find it helps to come on here and read others are going through the same mess as me! You put it so well, that is exactly how I feel everyday! I'm coming up to my 2nd fresh ec and I should be excited at the thought of it working, but if I'm honest all I have learnt is it's maybe best to expect the worse (the shame of writing that). It is so tiring too, not just the drugs, but mentally too, you just want to 'finish' but if you don't keep going you are ending your dreams. You will find great comfort and support on here, and please talk to your hubby, he knows you best and will probably be glad he knows how you feel rather than guessing - easier said than done i know! Xx

[Lamorna80 in reply to Sjt82]

I was fed up with hearing from everyone else about being positive and having hope. When I did this, I felt that it just made the disappointment far more difficult to deal with. It's truly crushing

[Bibble-2016]

Your words have put it so perfectly it made me well up. It's like you walk through your life carrying this bucket of grief with you, every single day. I never could have imagined how much it consumes of your life. I think it would be so hard for anyone to understand who's not faced it. Wishing you well xx

[-noodles-]

as the other ladies have said, you sum up this cruel journey so beautifully.

we're grieving for something we never had, and our grief seems invisible to the world.

wishing you luck & happiness x

[Wishing4ARainbow in reply to -noodles-]

Thank you so much. Wishing you luck and happiness too xx

[Hampshiregal]

Thank you for your post. As others have commented, you've put it better than I ever could. My life after failed attempts.... I don't feel like the same person - I don't ever remember feeling so bitter about life (the unfairness of it all) or so jealous of others. I've cried so much. I've put on weight and I don't feel attractive/sexy anymore. I can't remember the last time I laughed. I live in limbo, starting and ending treatments. Who am I anymore - I thought I used to know? I remember being deeply in love, now I walk on eggshells.

These forums are so helpful, otherwise I really would believe it was happening just to me.

[Wishing4ARainbow in reply to Hampshiregal]

Thank you for your reply. I can completely relate to not feeling like the same person. I've gained weight, acne, stretch marks and let's not forget the puffy, swollen cried-out eyes. Just yesterday I stood in a changing room and just stared at my changed body and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I don't think anyone could ever imagine the enormity of what we go through, physically, mentally, emotionally unless they've walked this path themselves. We give everything we have, and yet we're expected to continue our lives as if we aren't screaming on the inside every second of every day. x

[beth_brown]

Thank you for those lovely words. I think you have captured our feelings quite well. I think this forum is a good place where you will be understood well! Good luck for the future.

[Hidden]

The nothing really becomes our everything. Thank you for the post and welcome to the forum.

[Daxi16]

Welcome Rainbow 🌈 xx

[Lamorna80]

Wow, you just managed to write so well my feelings during my first IVF cycle.

To me it felt like everyone elses lives were full of things to look forward to yet I felt in complete limbo with no idea when it was all going to end.

I used to volunteer abroad and need to give at least 3 months notice for any time off with work. I found that I couldn't make any plans to go away due to risks associated with countries I may be visiting, not being able to take anti malarials etc, not knowing when my next IVF cycle may be and then daring to hope that by that point, I may be pregnant (so cruel). It felt like everything I enjoyed was put on hold and my life was just passing me by until I could get pregnant.

I used to love fitness and high intensity stuff and was getting in to running during my first cycle.....the advice.....stop everything except walking and very low impact exercise. Great. And trying to explain why to people I don't want to confide in, it's like one huge secret.

It's such an emotional rollercoaster and first time round I was clueless to its impact. The 2weekwait is truly the most turbulent time ever, where spontaneous crying whilst walking down the street was common as the realisation set in that it possibly wasn't working. Thank god it was sunny and I could wear shades!

Keep posting your feelings, there is comfort in knowing that you're not alone in this

xxx