3 MCs, scared to try again

Hello girls! Need to hear your thoughts. I had 3 miscarriages in past 8 years. Doctors don’t know the reason why I can’t carry a baby. I’m scared to try again. It’s unbearable to loose children. I’m not sure I’ll cope with another loss. I think the best option for me is if surrogate mother carries our baby. Surrogacy is illegal in my country. That means we have to find solutions abroad. First question is how and where to find surrogate mother? I know there are many agencies but their fees are so high. Maybe there is other ways to find surrogate mother. Will it be ok to look for her in the internet? I saw many girls who propose services of surrogate mother. Do we need a lawyer? I have no idea how to make everything in the right way. Second question is what are prices? How much should we pay and who states the price. What will we have to pay for? Any info will be great! Thanks in advance!

12 Replies

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  • Hi sorry to hear of your losses, I can empathise with with as I've also had two miscarriages. Have you had any investigations done such as blood tests, to see if anything is wrong? With my second loss I had the fetus removed and tested, which highlighted blood clotting to the placenta and a rare chromosomal disorder trisomy 2. I was advised to take a high dose of folic acid and 75mg of asprin with any future pregnancies. This combination worked for me. Sorry I can't comment on surrogacy as I have had no experience of this but good luck 🍀

  • Thank you for the answer! I'm happy for you! It's so nice you found solution which worked for you. We made so many tests and checks. We tried so many medications and methods. Nothing gave result unfortunately. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I feel like one more MC will break me completely... I'm on edge... Sorry I'm telling all these stuff. I'm just so tired...

  • A friend of ours is just going into hospital to be induced for her second baby. Her first baby is now two years old. Before these babies she'd suffered 5 miscarriages. Every pregnancy she's had has been natural conception however she has a problem carrying them. This time and last time she was on medication to support the pregnancies. I'm not entirely sure of everything she took but I know progesterone pessaries are one because she gave me her spares (I probably won't use them because I don't believe in using other people's prescriptions). I just wanted to share her story and tell you there is still hope xx

  • Thank you for your reply and support! I appreciate your help and advices you gave. I'll consider this information. We will have some more consultations with our doctor. It seems to me I took analogue of progesterone pessaries... But I'll definitely ask my doctor about it. I understand that surrogacy should be considered as a last thing... We will of course discuss it more with our doctor. But I'm so tired of MCs and have no strength to go through it again(

  • I'm sorry about your losses. I understand why you decided to turn to surrogacy. I think that it's not a problem to go abroad as surrogacy is illegal in your country. Speaking about agencies, you should be very careful. There are many scammers among them. If you decide to turn to this option pay attention to every single detail not to face a fraud. Also remember that agencies take fee for their services. I would advise you not to look for sm in the internet. This idea is not good at all. I understand you want to save some money, but choosing this way you may only lost your money. There are dozens of stories about women who pretend to be sm, but they just take money and disappear. You may scroll this forum and you'll see how many girls regret their decision to find sm by their own. Sometimes even lawyers can't help much in such situations.

    First of all pay attention to surrogacy lows. Some countries allow surrogacy, but surrogate mothers are considered as biological mothers of babies they carry (e.g. UK, Sweden, Russia). So you'll have to pass through adoption process. There is small risk that sm may decide to leave a baby. We considered Russia, but the fact, that they have a law, which says that surrogate mother is an actual mother, put us on guard. Who wants a stranger to take your baby away from you? Also there was an incident, when surrogate mother left child to herself and blackmailed couple, it was in the news. So be careful! I would advise you to look for a clinic. There are many clinics of reproductive medicine. They control the whole process and they will find sm for you. There are many specific websites where you can find list of such clinics, their location, success rates, reviews, etc. Our main criteria were affordable price and high success rates.

    USA has the highest price for surrogacy. It was hard for us to save money too. When you get salary you need so much to buy. Taxes are also not cheap. Still it's great chance that we can go to clinic abroad and pay $40 000 but not $150 000. First time we paid approximately $40 000. We are currently in our second surrogacy process. We are about to pay $50 000. We work with the same clinic but we chose another package of services.

    Well I hope this information will be helpful for you. Good luck!

  • I appreciate you answered so fast! Thank you so so much for support. I really need it at this period of time. I thought no one will reply. I'm so happy I can talk to you now! May I ask you, what was the reason you decided to use surrogate mother? I'm sorry this question is probably rude. Please don't take me wrong. I have no intention to offence you or make you feel bad. My inability to carry a baby is a very hard topic to discuss for me. It's painful even to think about this. I will understand if you don't want to talk about your infertility story. I just hope to talk to someone who understands. I don't know... It would be nice to talk to someone with pretty same problem. Maybe to feel that you're not the only one who has to go through this.

    Thanks for all advices. I will consider all of them. Thanks for preventions about agencies and searching of surrogate mothers. I know about high fees which agencies take for services they propose. Some of them have too high prices, not reasonable at all. But I couldn't even think there are so many fake agencies and liars. There are a lot of them everywhere. But using our problem to get money is so unfair. I can't get it how people can be so evil. You are right. My desire to save money this way may be disastrous. I've never heard about these lows so thank you for telling. That's so weird that surrogate mother can leave my baby. How it can be so? Baby isn't hers genetically so how can she do that? Sure you can go to court to "fix" this but who wants to start parenting with court. Also I think adoption process can take plenty of time. I didn't know that clinics do search of surrogate mothers. I thought you should do it by yourself or through agency and then went to a clinic with surrogate mother. It's great to know about that. I'm starting to feel more confident at this topic) The only thing is I think that it takes less time for an agency to find surrogate mother than for a clinic. Maybe that's why they have so high fees. Maybe you could advise some websites which you used personally? I will be very grateful.

    We are not able to have surrogacy in America. We were thinking about a loan but rejected this idea. I think it will be very hard for us in future when we will have a baby. We will have to care about child and buy a lot of things. I think it will be very hard to pay to a bank at the same time. May I ask you where do you have surrogacy? Why did you choose different packages? Was there something bad which made you to do so? I hope you will share some more details with me. It will help us in our search. Actually you've already helped a lot! Thank you so so much! I wish you good luck with your second journey! I will wait for your reply)

  • You're welcome dear! I'm really happy to help. You can ask me whatever you need! So don't be shy and give me your questions) It's okay for me to talk about my infertility now. My dh and I passed through a lot. When I was in my 30s, I started to feel lower abdominal pain. I’ve lost 17 pounds for very short period of time. I felt exhausted. I was getting tired very fast. One night I woke up because of sharp pain in abdomen and found out that I was bleeding. I was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus. All reproductive organs were removed. I try not to think about that period of time. I felt myself miserable. I had no will to live. Despite the fact that I fought the cancer, I couldn't stop thinking about new problem – my inability to have kids. All the time I was hearing that stupid and painful question from relatives and people, who were not aware about my diagnosis, ‘Why don’t you have kids?’ I really tried my best not to be rude and not to scream ‘It’s none of your business!’ in their faces. It was so hard. I can’t remember this without tears in my eyes. But now everything behind and all I hear is how wonderful my son is. My husband and I have gone through surrogacy and we never regret it. It’s the best thing, which happened in our lives. Now we are in our second journey and we are really happy with our life and how it goes. To be honest I couldn't talk about it when everything happened and we knew we won't be able to have children. But when we became parents I've just let it go.

    Speaking about that lows and going to court. I've read about cases when even court was powerless. The thing is that only biological mother can give permission to do a DNA test. As sm is considered a biological mother she can simply refuse to make that test. As you can see risks may be too high. Speaking about websites I was just googling "list of clinics of reproductive medicine and their prices". There are many websites, where you can find not only prices and services, but also rates of successful treatments and reviews of their patients. For example this statistics which is based on personal opinion of people who communicate on forums kiev-hotel.net/medical-info... Very helpful thing I should say. Also after looking through such websites, I was choosing the most suitable clinics and making a list of them. Then I was looking for official websites of those clinics. There is much information which can help you to make a final choice. For example, you can find terms and conditions of contracts there. Also list of services, prices, photos, direct contacts, etc.

  • We are from USA. Unfortunately, surrogacy is very expensive and we couldn't afford to have it here. We began to look for clinics in other countries. We wanted to find the best doctors and, at the same time, affordable price. It turned out that this procedure is legal in Ukraine and there are a lot of clinics. Of course there are a lot of cheaters among them. We’ve found a lot of good reviews about our clinic in the Internet. Also my colleague at work told me, that her friends visited clinic in Ukraine a couple of years ago and surrogate mother carried a baby for them. So I asked her to give me their phone number to talk with them about this clinic. They told me about BioTexCom. They were very satisfied with the process and the result. So after our conversation my husband and I contacted manager of the clinic by mail. We thought that it will take long time to get the response. But in a couple of days we received a letter from the clinic with the questions to clarify the required info about my medical history. Also they needed our marriage certificate. After they got all required info we appointed date of our meeting with the doctor.

    There were actually a couple of factors which made us to choose another package. It's called 'vip' by the way. It costs €49 900. The package we chose previous time was called 'standard' and costed €39 900. There is also 'economy' package for €29 900. You can look for all services by yourself on their website and choose the package, which suits the most. Both times the payment was divided into 5 rates. We didn't have to pay all sum at once which was and is great. It seemed to us 'vip' is more convenient. Needed blood tests are performed by the coming nurse domiciliary. We don't have to stay in lines and wait. Last time we were exhausted. There were a lot of people and we were waiting with hungry stomachs for a couple of hours(because you should eat nothing before blood tests). There are 20-30 couples in each turn. I should say that was not easy to stand in lines for hours. Yeah, we were talking with some of them and I can't say it was horrible. But anyway it was exhausting and we decided not to torture ourselves this time) Also the clinic provides all stuff for new born baby. Last time we carried all things with us. There were so many suitcases and bags. It will be more comfortable to have it already in Ukraine. Also parents are provided with the 24/7 phone consultation of a leading English-speaking pediatrician. If needed the leading pediatrician visits a baby upon request. We were so nervous and we didn't know what to do. Our son was crying. We didn't want to hurt him or do something wrong. So this service is very important in such situation! Also there is such service in vip package as babysitter from 9 AM till 6 PM. In standard package, babysitter comes for only 4 hours/day. We needed to do all arrangements with documents, payments, tickets and so on, so 4 hours was not enough for us. Also the clinic finds surrogate mother, who has already had a positive surrogacy experience. All these services made us to choose vip package this time. I can't say there is huge difference between packages. It's just a couple more services which will make our second journey a bit smoother)

  • I'm really grateful you explained me all the stuff! I'm so sorry you had to waste your time answering all my questions. But I want you to know that this info is very helpful for us. I'm so sorry about your situation! You've gone through a lot! I'm happy to know your story has a good ending, which is a great beginning of wonderful life! That's so true when people ask you those questions and you just want to scream and shout! It's so painful when they so simply rise a question about the most hardest thing in life. My mom has a friend. To be honest I hate that woman... She always tells me than "It's time for kids, what are you waiting for?" I understand she doesn't know about my problems and that's why she's curious. But she also thinks that it's her mission to teach me life and to give some advices how to be a good wife and mother. It drives me crazy!!! Thank you for sharing your story with me. It’s much easier to open to person who is open with you.

    I'm actually shocked with that stuff about laws. It's so hard to prove baby is yours in such situation! It seems almost impossible. You can prove nothing without dna test(You're right those websites are really helpful. I found a couple more and there is not only general info, but also pictures, reviews and the smallest details!

    Price looks very reasonable. I think we'll also look more into this vip package. I told all info to my husband. He's not really against the idea of going to Ukraine but he has doubts. We don't know the language, is it ok? I told him we could hire a translator, but he thinks it will be expensive. We'll have to pay not only for services of translating but also for flight, apartment, food, etc. Also I wanted to where did you stay? Were there some problems with finding the clinic? I'll wait for your reply! I hope you'll share some thoughts with me)

  • I'm happy I could help! I understand your feelings. Such people as your mother's friend know nothing about privacy and they think they know everything about life. So they believe it's their life purpose to teach everyone how to live.

    All packages include necessary services. So you pay single price and no more. The service was good enough. The clinic provided us with a taxi and taxi driver met us in the airport. So the taxi was carrying us to the clinic and other places we needed. Also they provided us with accommodation and food. All these were included into our package, so there was no need to pay extra money. We were afraid of language barrier too, but the clinic provided us with a manager, who spoke English fluently. So you have no reasons to worry about that! Their manager will always be with you and if you have questions, you may ask and you’ll receive clear answers. We really liked, that there was no intrusion from the manager’s side. She was standing a few steps away from us and when we needed her, she was coming to us.

  • I'm so sorry it took me so long to reply. I should say I had some kind of depression(?). On Wednesday our friends invited us at the small home party. As it turned out they asked us to come to tell us some great news. And... They are pregnant. They've been together for 2 years. Actually my husband introduced them. I'm happy for them! I really am! But this news made me so sad... That's why I spent a couple of days just lying in my bad and thinking about my life. It's so unfair that everyone around us is getting pregnant. And we just can't... I'm so sorry for telling you this... I feel like only you can understand.

    But now I'm back here! My husband supports me and I'm so grateful. He told me that we still have chance to become parents and we have to use it. I decided that now it's not a right time to be sad. We need to continue what we've started. As we are thinking about going to Europe we'll "pretend" my pregnancy. I don't want rumors about our surrogacy. It will be the best variant for us to make everything seem natural. I have a couple more questions for you. I hope you don't mind)

    My husband and I talked a lot about Ukraine. We discussed all information you shared with me. Also we've found some details in the internet. We've looked through official websites of a couple of Ukrainian clinics. We think to visit not only biotex but also isida and nadiya. I wanted to ask you how did you choose surrogate mother? Does the clinic have some kind of database? And for how long did you wait to start the procedure? Thank you for help!

  • I'm glad you're back! Your husband made a great job) It's time for you to keep going! I know how it feels when all of your friends become parents so easily and you have to go through a lot of stuff to have kids. Anyway I'm happy we still have this option! So concentrate on your goal and very soon your dream came true) It may sound fishy but it works I promise)

    Clients cannot choose a surrogate mother. Her appearance is not important here. Only her health and ability to bear a child matter. That's why the doctor chose sm for us. But don't worry! The clinic selects sm very carefully. The clinic provided us with all info about our sm and our son at least once per month. So we were completely informed! It is hard to be far away from your child and the clinic did everything for us to be sure that our baby is safe. It took the clinic 2 months to find sm for us. We actually thought it will take longer. So it was a real surprise! I wish you all the best hun! Don't be sad) Hope to see good news from you)

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