Secondary infertility tears

First of all I know how incredibly lucky I am to have the miracle that I still my 4 year old DD. She came relatively easily so you can only imagine the shock when we found out we have secondary infertility. 2.5years of trying numerous fertility drugs cocktails and treatments and a failed IVF, I was starting to accept that I was ok to wait a little before trying again.

That is until the recent family pregnancy announcement, this will be her second pregnancy since I started trying for my second. I never get upset to this point but I had tears. She went on about how it wasn't not how she had planned etc but it worked out with work and maternity pay etc to have another.

My dh and I are desperately trying to come to terms with miscarriage and failed IVF and the emotional turmoil associated with infertility be it first time around or secondary it's still hard.

Guilty for feeling so upset. If there's a God, what have I done so bad? Why is it so hard. When do I give up.

13 Replies

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  • Hi huni it's hard to know what to say as secondary infertility is an awful thing. I'm currently in the same boat as you. I have a daughter who is 9 (previous relationship) been trying for 3 years. My OH count isn't great but apparently normal for NHS standards. We are not progressing with IVF private if we have no miracle this month. I know you must feel alone and like everyone else around you in pregnant I know I do!! Both sisters having their second currently. Just realise your not on your own and it's totally normal to feel upset and even angry! Everyone on here is in the same boat one way or another and I'm amazed at some of their stories really makes me humble and sometimes brings me back down to earth! You will get there in the end and just imagine how special that will feel when the fight was so long. If you need to talk feel free to msg me xx

  • And never give up xx

  • Sorry that was meant to say we are progressing with IVF x

  • Thank you and so kind of you to reply! I feel like my friends (although so sweet) just don't get it.

    It's heartbreaking every month. I felt like "oh come on seriously" when she told me she was expecting again. Which I know is rubbish of me. But she knows how hard it has been for me and it is a bit like salt in the wounds.

    What are you doing now? Medicated or natural? My dh last count was low and completely unexpected. We are trying letrozole one more go and then IVF again. This time will be with icsi. Just so scary. As i think that may have to be the last one. Can't keep finding thousands to throw away if it doesn't work.

  • Hi, in a similar situation - have been TTC for 4½ years for our second. We are just about to embark on our first IVF /ICSI.

    I'm so sorry for your miscarriage & failed attempt, it must be so heartbreaking 💔 Pregnancy announcements are always so hard no matter who they come from. Don't feel guilty about your emotions, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Just do what you need to do to protect yourself as much as possible.

    The financial side of things is so hard but try not to think about it at the moment - try to focus on your next cycle. Don't give up...

    Feel free to message​ me xxx

  • Hi pumpkin just wondering if you are still on here? We have been trying over 18 months for our second after having a daughter so easily 3yrs ago & finding it pretty tough as each month passes. Be good to hear how things are for you now? x

  • Hi! Yep, still here. I've just been through my first cycle of IVF/ICSI & had a bfp. Really trying to keep my feet on the ground - have a scan in a few weeks to see if all ok.

    I'm sorry you're going through a tough time - we've been there. Have you been to your GP? Xx

  • Hi pumpkin

    That is fantastic! Congratulations. Gives me hope! We have had all tests done including HyCosy, bloods, SA and all normal results but 18months later & af just keeps appearing! Got first IVF appointment 12th July. Hoping they can get me in for my consent appointment quickly after as I am feeling ready to go! This appointment has given me a bit of hope but until now I've been feeling a bit useless, guilty, sad yet enormously grateful for my wonderful daughter. What a roller coaster. Any tips for IVF? Did you get switched to icsi?

    Good luck for scan xxx

  • I can really relate to this post- I had my son really easily by a previous relationship(in fact he wasn't planned but I wouldn't change him for the world and like you when hubby and I started TTC I didn't think it would ever be this hard-sure I was turning 30 that year ( my son was ,13) but I honestly believed it would happen within 6 months- well here I am at 5 years and 11 months still no baby. We had unexplained infertility which was the most frustrating diagnosis ever- for years we couldn't understand what we were doing wrong-its awful how we blame ourselves. Luckily for us we finally after 5 years and 10 months got a proper diagnosis- I had a laparoscopy for the severe pain I was in and for fertility investigations which consultant found and removed endometriosis from my pouch of Douglas. We were relieved to know the cause and feel much better now and more hopeful of having our longed for baby. My cousin had her first child with her husband easily and struggled for 18 months with her second one( she had polycystic ovaries and she fell twice on clomid- first time she miscarried at 6 weeks). My sister also had her first child easily like me my lovely nephew wasn't exactly planned but came to them wanting baby number 2 and it was a struggle- she tried for just over a year and fell with my niece ( they didn't get to the point of fertility investigations-dont know what the issue was and they were both only late 20s). It seems quite common-at least in my family it is! But it is such a shock- nearly 6 years later I'm still shocked by it. I think regardless of how many other children you have infertility will still hurt.

    Pregnancy announcements god how I dread them. Its not that I am not happy for them ( I would hate to hear others having struggling) but I always wonder why not me? And it brings all this into such focus- you feel all the hurt all over again. Then we both feel angry- my husband" asks what the hell must we do to have a baby," it feels so unfair. As for a coping strategy I don't really have one- I accept that if I hear someone's pregnant I will always go for the wheel of emotions but I also try to tell myself and husband that we are on a journey and we will get there and to remind us just how much more it will mean to us. It's such a kick in the teeth when others announce its not planned- oh we just did a few times carelessly and voila I fell!! Oh great!!!! My husband's best friend told us how and his girlfriend accidentally fell- it was awful,- I faked a congratulations and pretended that I had to walk my dog- my dog couldn't believe his luck I at having 2 walks it was like Christmas had come early!!!!

    I'm really sorry about the miscarriage. Would counseling help you both come to terms with such a huge loss?

    I've realized in this journey there are good and bad days and I treasure the good days. Bad days don't last forever and tomorrow is always a new day.

    All the best with it all. xoxo

  • After what felt like an endless battle and multiple treatments we finally got our second miracle and I'm finally pregnant again. It will happen Hun don't give up. Just when I was ready to give up it happened and naturally go figure! Our bodies are very strange things and I guess it ain't happening til it is meant to happen. Please don't give up x

  • Congratulations! Hoping you have a healthy pregnancy xx

  • Oh that's wonderful- I'm so happy for you. Congratulations.🎉🎉🎉

    I am in a much better place now- I have endometriosis which took 5 years 10 months to get diagnosed. My consultant removed endometriosis from my pouch of Douglas and he is pretty sure the endometriosis caused the infertility so we now feel like we stand a chance! We had a break due to chronic abdominal pain I was suffering till I had my laparoscopy. We can start again as my period arrived today -I wanted to give my body a chance to heal after op ( I was actually pleased to see it!) Definitely won't give up! Thanks for the kind words.

    All the best with your pregnancy. xoxo

  • Oh wow natural after all that. How amazing!! We are going to try IVF soon but I must remember if it doesn't work natural is still possible! We got pregnant straight away last time but this time is soo different. Not a sniff of a pregnancy in 18 months & just got another af this month. All tests are normal but feel there must be something up. Were you also unexplained? How far along are you now? It's great to hear I am so not ready to give up! My wee 3yo girl would be such a lovely big sister too, I feel bad for her if I can't give her that although she's not mentioned it yet. I have avoided bringing her to visit new babies lately as dreading the question that will inevitably come. She has been talking about babies in tummies a lot though. If only.. How far are you on? What happened during the IVF? I am thinking if all is normal like they say then we should have a fair chance but guess the implanting bit is just luck. How far on are you? Enjoy every minute you deserve it after this long wait! X

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