Other people having a problem when you get that BFP

Do you feel differently when someone who you know has struggled to get pregnant finally manages it? I see plenty of posts here about people finding it hard when yet another person is having a baby and they aren’t, but then there’s sometimes lots of BFPs here (not enough though, obviously) and everyone is so pleased and supportive. Is that different because of how hard we have all tried?

I so wish everyone here could get what they want, and even before I got my BFP that's how I felt.

I ask because one of my best friends has told me how hurt she is that I’m pregnant. After 10 years of TTC, multiple IUIs and a go of ICSI it upsets me that anyone would be hurt by things finally working out (though as there’s a chance baby will be very ill when born, I’m not sure I’d even say things have worked out fine for us yet!). I’m not really sure how to handle it.

30 Replies

  • Awww. I think that's just a bit of anger built up and they probably need a hug. I've a friend who reacted very strangely to another friend falling pregnant through IVF. They just seemed to react as if that friend no longer knew what fertility problems were. It's been very difficult but they're much better now. There was another reason they were taking the anger out. Congrats btw! x

  • Hi, sorry to hear . .I agree but your friend should be happy for you . .is it due to the fact they are having fertility problems? Maybe have a chat with your friend to find out what the actual problem is. If anything she should be supporting you, knowing everything you have been through. I know its harsh but you don't need negative people in your life after going through so much to get this far. The only exception is if they are going through fertility problems themselves . .look after your self x

  • Yes I should have said, they have fertility issues as well. They started trying maybe 4/5 years ago, but decided to embrace a childfree life when tests revealed a male factor. Then when I got pregnant it made them change their mind and they realised they really did want a child and I think now they are stressing because they want things to happen right away and it takes time. I understand it must be hard when the person who you talked to about everything then goes and gets pregnant, but it doesn't change what I've been through before.

  • No it doesn't, if anything they should understand even more about what you're going through. I don't think anyone who hasn't gone through the issue can understand fully what we go through. I think your friend envy's you as you are pregnant. Give her time to realise she's being very harsh with you. I know she's your friend, but maybe take a little break and concentrate on your pregnancy. She will contact you when she's ready to accept you are pregnant and she isn't. Maybe talk to her and explain what you've been through, she might just need a little reminder and support her with her on going issue x

  • It's horrible that your friend should share that feeling with you. It's not her fault that she feels that way though, she can't control that. There are days when I can't look at this site because of the BFP's. When a friend tells me they're pregnant I want to cry....... but I don't I smile and pretend I feel all the normal feelings that they'd want me to feel because it's the right thing to do because that's the reaction I'd want.

  • I just feel that in the years since they have been trying, there have been a number of children born in their families and she has never mentioned an issue with any of these pregnancies. She went out of her way to help when the people were pregnant and she has a great relationship with the kids. It seems this hurt is only reserved for me, despite the fact they the other people fell pregnant either accidentally or very quickly after starting TTC.

    I suppose I'm being a little stupid in feeling I should be exempt from any jealousy because of what we went through to get to this stage!

    I suppose it's the wording as well. If she'd said she was struggling a bit because while she was happy for me, it just reminded her of what she really wanted and doesn't have I'd have understood. It's the that my happiness hurts her that upsets me.

    I'm sorry you struggle. I hope that BFP comes along really soon and you don't have to pretend to feel something you're not.

  • In "real life" I've always been consumed with jealousy but not on here; on here every bfp gave me hope that it could happen for me 😊

  • It's kind of how I feel. And while I would never wish infertility on anyone I can't help feeling that the people here really really deserve that BFP, probably more than someone who conceives 'accidentally' for the 3rd time. However I would feel exactly the same about someone in 'real life' who I knew had really struggled.

  • Ditto 😊

  • Couldn't have said it better SnottyCow! Thankfully I am at an age where all my friends/family have stopped having babies and so I don't have to worry about announcements too much (except from work colleagues!). However I agree with the above. No matter how broken one is feeling (and we all have felt that way) it is not your friend's right to selfishly steal your joy and make you feel down about something that you have every right to shout from the rooftops. If she was in your shoes, she'd cherish a warm and congratulatory response from you. "Do unto others..."

    Really sorry to read this and I hope she comes round. Thinking of you xx

  • I think no matter what anyone else's situation, inside you still so desperately want it for yourself!!! That you are hurt, and I' am sure when it was you in the position no matter how pleased for people who were pregnant, Even if you knew them or even family.. you were hurting a little inside that it wasn't you.

    Don't take it personally, ps enjoy your pregnancy great news! Xx

  • Thanks. I think I am maybe reading too much into the wording, as the message said she was hurt I'm pregnant, not that she's hurt that she isn't. I see the two as very different things, one of which is completely understandable and the other I can't help taking a little more personally. Though it's perfectly possible the hormones are making me a little more sensitive than I would usually be.

    I hope the 2WW isn't being too bad to you. Fingers crossed that BFP is imminent (try not to test too early though!)

  • I get what you mean, but yeah try not to say to much especially with all the hormones.

    The 2ww has been torture I am day 8!! Had an awful day yesterday bloated, felt sick couldn't eat.

    When did you test?

    What's your thoughts on testing day 9?

    So pleased it worked out for you, hope I can join you x

  • I tested on day 15. I'm not sure if you're still taking a lot of the drugs but I was and everything that could have been early pregnancy related could also have been due to the drugs! My clinic makes you wait 16 days usually, I did it the day earlier.

    I got an obvious positive but it wasn't that strong even at day 15. I really think if I'd tested at day 9 I'd have got a negative despite it having worked. So if you can, wait as long as possible to avoid that situation. i'll keep my fingers crossed for you x

  • Congratulations!! Im the opposite, I love seeing the BFP's on here though I do put that down to the fact that we are all struggling with fertility and seeing someone else have a happy ending makes me think all of this punishing regime is worth it! However I did get upset recently when a travel buddy to work announced she was 13 weeks pregnant even although Im happy for her. I put on a brave face but burst into tears when I got into my office. Ive never done that before and it was the first time Ive felt resentful of nice news! Im not sure if it was PMT or just because I knew she had only just started trying. I did feel better a few days later and that inital jealousy has gone. Perhaps she just needs a bit of time.xx

  • The thing is, she has known about my pregnancy for over 7 months now and only recently made that comment. If it was an initial reaction I would have understood a lot more but if this isn't enough time I'm not sure any amount will be.

  • Oh I didn't realise she had known for a while! Gosh what a hard one, I couldn't possibly imagine what has upset her to make her behave like that to you! I guess you could maybe ask what would make things easier for her but then I kind of feel like you have enough on your plate and maybe she'll come round in her own time again!xx

  • Maybe she's regretting saying that. Mouth engaging before brain switching on? I know I suffer from this when I am stressed.

    I'm happy for anyone to get a bfp especially on here as it gives me hope this crazy process does, can and will work. Otherwise we would feel so isolated as we don't know anyone going through ivf (that we know of).

    Seems everyone handles it a bit differently though. X

  • Maybe you need a bit of space from each other... perhaps she is finding it hard seeing your bump grow? And I would be finding her attitude very hard if I were you... In all honesty I think she is being selfish. My friend who struggled to get pregnant with her first two children just announced her third pregnancy (she was trying for her second when we started trying... this is the first pregnancy she's had that's come easy) and of course I'm a bit jealous but I'm also pleased for her that she's finally fallen pregnant easily and I definitely won't be telling her I'm a bit jealous (though I'm sure she knows!). In fact her pregnancy gives me hope that you never know what's around the next corner.

    I hope you and your friend can get back on an even keel x

  • Ps is she doing ivf? If so, maybe it's just the drugs talking?

  • Thank you. She isn't doing ivf yet but she has been having other problems. They only decided they were going to start trying again when I said I was pregnant and as there was an operation needed they haven't started any treatment yet.

    Actually... I haven't seen her since I've been pregnant. I was supposed to visit but I've been so ill with my pregnancy I haven't been able to face such a long journey (they live a long way away as we moved fairly recently). Hubby went alone and she said to him she was glad I hadn't gone as she wouldnt have wanted to see my bump :-(

  • I think she definitely needs space then. I'd probably let her make the next move if it were me. 😔

  • Hi Cyantist

    Congratulations on your pregnancy from what I understand your now very close to meeting your little one?

    Everyone deals with things differently, I love seeing bfp on here because after going through so much it just means another person has been able to full fill there dream and become a mum and makes me hopeful that I will me my turn one day.

    I also know that there will always be a tad bit of jealousy run through me because I wish that it was me and I'm sure everyone else feels the same.

    The worst thing that I have learnt is that messages can always be read and taken in a way that it's not meant to be.

    I think you should have a face to face chat with your friend to understand both how you are feeling because this is a happy time and she should be by your side not causing you stress.

    My best friend had ivf and she was extremely lucky because it worked first time for her no problems at all where as in my case since I've started all I've faced is problems so it's been harder and she will admit and say she can't feel how I do because she hasn't been there and there are times where she will talk about being a mum in a way that sometimes hurts me as it feels like she rubs it in my face but she doesn't realise she is doing it.

    Lots of things go on and I'm sure she will be right by your side you just need to open up to her and let her know how it makes you feel. Sorry for the essay xxxx

  • Thank you! Yes not long at all now. I know things like waiting for tests and the 2ww drag and drag but once you get your bfp everything goes so quickly! I read some stories here about people who have tried for so long and it works out and I cry, but in a happy way as it is amazing and I just so hope everyone here does fulfill their dream and get to be a mum. I'm sorry your friend says things that upset you and that ivf hasn't been plain sailing for you. I was really lucky that it worked first time, though it feels strange calling any of us lucky when we are having to go through this in the first place! I guess we all say things that can upset someone and with messages especially you're right that you can take them the wrong way and what upsets one person won't upset another which doesn't help! Before I was lucky enough to get that elusive BFP I had someone tell me they knew exactly what I was going through because before they were ttc they had a few contraceptive 'accidents' and didn't get pregnant, so thought they were probably infertile. And this is the same as ttc for 10 years and having failed treatments obviously! Some people just don't think!

    I hope things do get better because once she is going through treatment she will need support and as I've been through it it would be a shame if I can't help her with everything

  • Could your friend be feeling as if has lost her support network .?. You understand how would be feeling and feels alone again now? Xx

  • Gosh I think this is really hard. When I read bfp on here I'm just so happy because I know the struggle and the heartache that gone to achieve the bpf and it gives hope to us all.

    maybe your friend feels hurt because you were both in the same boat and now things have changed for you which is truly amazing, maybe she.feels.that she has lost someone to talk to . I think you just need to bear in mind that fertility stirs some pretty serious emotions in us to the point that we become unresonable at times. hopefully she just needs some time.to digest to the new situation.

    I hope you are managing to enjoy your pregnancy It can't be nice for you having to deal with this as well, wishing you all the best with your pregnancy xxxx

  • Romaluna and nmill - I did think this might be the case. Hubby and I were always quite open about the fact we weren't ever going to give up the idea of having a family but I imagine she probably thought that after 10 years it wasn't going to happen for us and at least she could rely on us to remain childless with her.

    Now she doesn't have that anymore, and she has said that is why they have now changed their mind regarding treatment.

    I'm sure she does need time but I'm worried it will now be awkward. I'm trying to enjoy my pregnancy but things aren't going so well and there's a chance baby will be born seriously ill so it's certainly not been easy.

  • People who have gone through ivf are the only people I'm ever happy for getting pregnant! (I know that's awful really 😂) ...I deleted Facebook because I couldn't bare watching everyone get pregnant so easily but I actually come on this network to see success stories because it gives me hope! Xxxxxx

  • It's not awful, it's understandable when you try so hard not to feel a little resentful of people for who it happens so easily.

    But I've realised you never actually know what people are really going through, especially when you just go by what you see on facebook. I have friends who regularly post about how they don't want kids, or how they are too young for kids, hate them etc and I know they've been trying for years and have had several failed treatment cycles. They tell me because they know I've been through the same thing but put on this front for everyone else.

    And a friend who recently got pregnant went round telling everyone how surprised she was to be pregnant, then confided in me that the reason she was surprised is cos they had been trying for years and were told it was likely to never happen. But everyone else assumes it was a complete accident!

  • Firstly congratulations on your bfp. Sorry to hear u have concerns about babies health-I hope all will be ok. And Sorry to hear u experienced this with ur friend.i know exactly what u mean, I'm always really happy for BFPs on here. Yes I'm sad for me but if anything others good news gives hope. I hope u manage to work things out with her xxx

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