Feeling awful

[yllek1982]

It's the early hours of the morning and I've woken up and am bleeding quite a bit now. I had FET and test day is Monday. I started spotting on Wednesday but everything was very light and pink and barely noticeable but I've woken up with cramps and bleeding. I will still do the test Monday but I'm totally gutted- I can't get back to sleep and am so upset. It's our 4th go and I miscarried on the 3rd go so I was really hoping that we were getting somewhere and that this was our chance. I just don't know what to do with myself- the thought of having to go through everything again (we would need a fresh round) and not to mention the cost- I'm literally devastated. 2months after I miscarried my best friend fell pregnant so I will have the constant reminder that ours would have been 2 months older than hers. I was then so determined for this round to work but I think that's not to be. Every time I try to close my eyes to go sleep I can't think of anything else other than all of this. Hate that my husband hasn't got a child because of me it's just awful. I just feel that I'm doing everything that I can and don't know what else to do. I've kind of had enough tonight that's for sure.

[joulles]

Sorry to hear it. Hugs to you.

[yllek1982 in reply to joulles]

Thank you x

[vonny27]

I'm so sorry yllek1982 I'm in a similar situation I've been bleeding on and off since last Sunday it's horrendous what we go through. I hope you find comfort soon and be able to get through this. X

[yllek1982 in reply to vonny27]

Thank you- I'm so sorry your going through it too, it's just horrible. Hope you get positive news xxxx

[Jaky76]

Oh you poor love...I'm so so sorry and so understand how completely earth shattering it is...I'm on my forth round and miscarried on rounds 2 and 3...I never thought each time I would carry on and somehow you do....I have to say the journey changes you....I think also Christmas is an even harder time, but what with your friend being pregnant that so much emotionally for you to deal with...I'm sending you big hugs...pray tomorrow brings a BFP and bleeding something else..are you on medication like progesterone etc? Xx

[yllek1982 in reply to Jaky76]

Oh goodness I'm so sorry to hear it's happened to you twice- it's just so cruel! Really hope your 4th time goes well. I totally agree that Christmas is a difficult time of year- it's a big thing in my family and to have a little one to share in the magic would be amazing. I also teach a baby group so seeing all the parents so happy with their little ones is tricky. I am on progesterone. I am taking 4 prognova tablets in the morning and crinone gels just before bed. Thank you so much for your kind words- it's so appreciated xxx

[Daisy-Mae]

Oh darling you are doing everything you possibly can and none of this is your fault. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I have no idea why life is so unfair sometimes but please do not blame yourself.

Give yourself some time grieve and think about what you both want next. Sending you so much love and support xxx

[yllek1982 in reply to Daisy-Mae]

Thank you so much for your kind words-so lovely of you. It's so hard not to blame me as I have all the issues and my husband was told he had 'super sperm' way above average apparently (we did giggle about that). I just feel gutted for him. I'm trying to be positive and I know the next time means starting the whole process again but that's probably what we shall have to do. Thanks again for your message xxx

[NDE1987]

Hey Hun I'm so sorry to be reading this. This happend to me on Friday so I know exactly how you feel. My test date was also meant to be tomorrow. I have actually started my period fully but the clinic still want me to test tomorrow. I think it's torture tbh! I had high hopes for this cycle to work to and don't know why it didn't. Like you I also blame myself and feel for my husband. My husband and I have planned a few things for next year now to get some happiness back in our lives. Although there is a big hole that we want to fill. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, take time out aand rest and enjoy Christmas. Sending you hugs x

[yllek1982 in reply to NDE1987]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you too. It's just so cruel- we put ourselves through so much and then it's not the outcome that we hoped for. I'm actually scared of needles and having to go through all of that again just makes me feel sick. That's a great idea planning some fun stuff together-I may put this to my husband too. Thanks so much for your message I really appreciate it xxxx

[NDE1987 in reply to yllek1982]

Awww I'm sorry hun. I hate needles to but this overcame my fear. I still couldn't look at the needle going in but I survived lol. Over the last few days iv just done alot of thinking and my husband and I agreed that we stopped living this year in that we were so focused on our fertility journey that our life's were put on hold. So today r joined the gym and are looking forward to playing tennis, and using the sauna etc. Iv also decided I'm going to leave acupuncture and go to the yoga and Pilate's classes instead. I feel like I done everything possible this cycle and next cycle I just want to go into it being me. I really hope it works out for all of us. Look after yourself xx

[yllek1982 in reply to NDE1987]

That sounds like a good plan xx wishing you all the best xxx

[Rocksteady101]

Hi hun, first of all I'm so sorry to reading that you're going through this. The sadness and helplessness you're feeling is completely understandable. Seeing your friend pregnant can not be easy. My advice as someone who can relate is, don't lose hope... go in for your test and take it from there. It's not easy I know but please try to relax and not stress yourself out too much. If you feel able, read a book, watch a programme you love or go outside for some air. Don't lose hope. This forum is full of women who are all energetically behind you no matter what the immediate future holds for you. All the very best to you x

[yllek1982 in reply to Rocksteady101]

What a lovely message-thank you so much!! I must say I'm so lucky to have this outlet to talk to people who really understand. I'm hoping that the husband and I can put up the Xmas decs today and try and have a festive day and take it easy and try to put my mind off it all. I will do the test tomorrow and as you say go from there. Hopefully 2017 will be a better year for us all. Thanks again for your message xxx

[yllek1982]

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to write me such lovely messages-you honestly do not know what it means to me. To have the chance to chat with women who actually know exactly what I'm going through is so unbelievably brilliant and so helpful and incredibly supportive. My aim today is to just get through it for the test day tomorrow-I honestly am not holding out much hope for a positive now but I feel a little bit more equipped to deal with it somehow. I shall keep you all posted with the outcome and thanks again for just being brilliant xxxx

[Sarahmanc]

Oh darling I'm sorry to hear that. We're in the 2ww at the mo and my husband has spent a fortune on Xmas lights to put up around the house to cheer me up and take my mind off it. We have a full on winter wonderland going on in our garden 😝 It's the small things that help eh? Xx

[yllek1982 in reply to Sarahmanc]

Thanks for your message! I'm hoping that he's going to be in the mood to get down the decs today-he hasn't spoken since we've got up so I'm not sure. It's all very difficult. The decorations and walking the dog would help me cheer up a little today that's for sure xxx

[Sarahmanc in reply to yllek1982]

Ah yes dogs are awesome for absorbing stress - we normally take it in turns to walk ours but I've volunteered pretty much every time this past week- she keeps me sane! Xx

[Ems_D1982]

I'm really sorry things haven't worked out. It's so difficult. You will get through this as hard as it seems now. Thoughts with you x

[yllek1982]

Thank you x

[yllek1982]

I can't believe I am writing this but I've tested this morning and it was positive!!! I am so shocked!! I am still bleeding quite a lot so I've a feeling it may still be game over. I've had a blood test at the clinic and am waiting to hear. She's talked through hcg levels and what would happen based on those-she said she didn't want to give me false hope so I'm kinda thinking it's probably still a negative but I wanted to let you all know-it feels like it's still playing with my mind. I have the worse back ache and do feel sick and sore boobs but this constant bleeding is really throwing me. Praying and praying that the bleeding stops! Xx

[Hidden]

Finger crossed xxxx