Rock bottom

[Soapsuds86]

I think I've hit rock bottom. I just don't know what to do any more. Failed my 4th ivf 4 weeks ago and I still am in the depth of despair stage. When it first happened, I was obviously gutted but didn't really react. I took a week off work to recover and shed a few tears in that time.

Since being at work, its all gone down hill.I work in customer service and its all very much "theatre, the show must go on" type of thing. I've had some horrible customers who shouted at me and tbh I've struggled. Me and my manager agreed if i need to I'd walk away for 5 mins to give me a chance to get myself together. So i followed this and I'm now being sent for disciplinary!! My assistant manager is rubbish at her job and told me all about her abortion too! Plus said stuff like " oh bless that woman she's overdue on her pregnancy theres nothing worse". I saw red and shouted at her, then I'm sent to disciplinary!!

I went to the doctor as i feel my grief is comig out at work and my gp signed me off for 3 weeks, which i thought was a long while. I've booked a counciling appointment but its not until 8th nov!!! Now I'm uncertain if its my grieving or the way I've been treated at work as to why I'm so distraught.

I started to do things yesterday which sounds silly. I set myself a list if things to do to tidy the garden, so i achieved something. My hubby came home and i was annoyed he hadn't even noticed the difference in the garden. Sounds pathetic but today i just have zero motivation to do anything. I'm normallly constantly doing housework etc when not at work and now its a struggle to get dressed.

I've had more tears today and not sure if it's cos af will be due soon so maybe it seems worse. I just don't know! I just don't know what I'm meant to do to get better or how i know I'll be in a better place to be at work etc..

[KittyK]

Sorry to hear this. I too had issues with my work when I had my miscarriage in the summer. My manager was making a horrid situation already worse but I went over his head in the end and went to my director and she was much more supportive and made me feel much better. Can you not go above to someone else? If not there are people you can go to like a tribunal or something if your work are not considering your health. Because that's what this is, a health issue.

I wish I could offer some more supporting words, I can only say I know how you feel and if you can find any one thing that helps then go for it. You may feel better after the counselling and you've been able to let it all out xx

Thoughts with you x

[Soapsuds86 in reply to KittyK]

Thank you KittyK.

I actually called acas yesterday who advised me to put everything into a grievance. ive spoken to an ex area manager who advised to put in grievance as last straw. so I'm going to document everything and then send to hr as well as to my manager.

That way when it comes to disclinary i can say thats my defense as documentrd etc.it actually helps as I'm venting my anger into it😁

Xxx

[obsessedwithmygrlz]

Oh my god! That sounds really horrible! I can't believe that someone could treat a woman who had her failed ivf cycle just recently. Don't they understand what you are going through... Though I will say that maybe it'd be better for you to seek for some professional help, to go to a psychologist just to get calmer and to be more patient in the situations like that? Those people are wrong, but you should take care of yourself..

I am given the last chance to use my own eggs in the treatment, due to my low amh but good us picture, but I have no hopes actually. I think that it'd be a failure as it was too many times before..

[Soapsuds86 in reply to obsessedwithmygrlz]

Thanks obsessedwithmygrlz!!

Everytime i.speak to.someone about the situation, they tell me how wrong it is. I then get annoyed that I've allowed them to make me feel like I'm the problem!

I do want professional help, itsjust getting it. my counsellor is on hol now andi have to wait till 8th november. although i.do need it now.not sure where else to look as online i can't find anyone.

Wish you the very best of luck with your eggs!! Everything crossed for you xxx

[Daisy-Mae]

I am so sorry to hear how you have been treated and how you are feeling. As for work I think maybe try to speak to your manager (who was more supportive?) or take it to HR as they should put things in place to support you. It sounds like your deputy manager is a bully and being deliberately insensitive. Keep a note of everything that has happened and has been said just in case you need it to fight your corner.

I think you have done the right thing for your health taking time off and I too have struggled with anxiety, depression and lack of motivation. Be kind to yourself and be proud of every accomplishment you make, even if it is just popping to the shops or doing the garden. It's good you have a session booked with a councillor but I think you need some support before that. Maybe ask your doctor if there is a helpline you can call to chat to someone while you are waiting.

I'm so sorry you are so low but things will get better. I know it's hard to believe it right now but sometimes in my darkest days, that was the only thought that kept me going.

Here for you if you ever want a friend. Don't struggle on your own xxxx

[Soapsuds86 in reply to Daisy-Mae]

Thanks Daisy-mae!

Had a tear reading your reply!

I really do need to speak to a professional but just don't have access atm. I ideally want it to be with someone specially for ivf treatment as I've spoken to councellors before and they were rubbish tbh as they didn't understand the process.

I just don't recognise myself any more. i don't think my husband does either. I'm so withdrawn and upset. I'm definitely not tge person i was.

I'm going to.document everything on work side and email to hr. let them then run about to try to sort it then, while I'm not there. xxx

[Daisy-Mae in reply to Soapsuds86]

Well just take one day at a time and hopefully you will start to feel more like yourself soon. I hope you are getting some support and gaining strength from here. Here for you if you ever want to chat x

[Daisy14]

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low andfor all you have been through. Try not to make it worse by thinking you need to feel differently. Forcing yourself to jobs etc is not always useful. You've been through so much and have to acknowledge that and let yourself ride out your feelings.

The counselling may help you so it's great too have that booked. Work can sod off, it's a job and you are more important. People often don't get it and don't support in the way we need them to, but you've got lots of us here to listen.

Keep talking to your husband and one thing I heard can be really useful is keeping a journal/diary by the day. It can let you get your feelings down and be cathartic. Some people rave about it and my counsellor also recommended it to me.

Take really good care of yourself physically and emotionally xx

[Soapsuds86 in reply to Daisy14]

Thanks Daisy14!

Yes i know what you mean with the jobs side of things. I just started to do things and feel really good but then by yesterday morning i just didn't want to move- so i didn't. i know my councilor will say things like not to pressure yourself etc.

I may start writing a journal thats a good idea. just to get it out so its not all trapped inside. it comes and goes in waves so guess all i can do is ride it. i did do a scrap book when i miscarried with all pictures of our journey and that helped me before.

I'm not eating properly and drinking like a fish too which i know won't help. Going to slowly eat properly and regularly again and cut out the drink. think I'm having a little rebelious phase 😂 xxx

[Daisy14 in reply to Soapsuds86]

You're allowed a little rebellion! After my miscarriage I practically went through a bottle of gin a week, not to mention a packet of Bourbon biscuits every other day! Give yourself a break and work can bugger off!! X

[M_V_B]

I'm really sorry to hear what has happened to you. I had a similar issue in the summer. I'm glad you've got yourself signed off, it will give you a chance to regroup. In hindsight I wish I'd taken some time off work. People just don't understand how hard this treatment is, and they probably never will unless it happens to them. Just take your time and be kind to yourself. Work can wait.

Hope you start to feel better soon. Sending good thoughts your way. Xx

[Soapsuds86 in reply to M_V_B]

Thank you M_V_B!!

I've said that after each treatment that I haven't taken enough time away. i get fed up at home and then fed up at work but in.a different way. Work exaberates my emotions. Where as at home i tend to hide away.

It's only peoples opinions and luckily i do not know but I've read some women saying you go through the same level of emotions as someone with cancer with ivf. Its only what i have seen online but I'm not well enough educated to agree or disagree but the fact people are comparing the emotional side of ivf would have to suggest its pretty big!?! yet people are still ignorant to it all!! xxx

[Kernishp]

I'm so sorry you've been put through so much by infertility. Not that you have to go through with it but would starting to look for a different job help? It might help you to see what alternative possibilities are out there for you- infertility is life changing but not all those life changes have to be negative. Is your counseling free? If you are paying for it then you could look for a counsellor who provides sessions over Skype as they will probably be able to see you sooner. I did this during and after our treatment, it was great to be able to have counseling from the comfort of my bed and sofa.

I hope things improve soon xxx

[Soapsuds86 in reply to Kernishp]

Thanks Kernishp!!

Well I may be forced to look for a new job soon 😂 in all honesty i don't have the self confidence to be starting a new job. i.barely have the energy to get dressed each day. i just don't want to then start another job and then need so much time off for treatment again, if it happened.

Yeah i do telephone appointments with my counsellor as its about 2 hour drive away. i just can't get access to her now when i need her the most. its included in the cost of ivf so already paid for.

I need to search for an ivf councilor.going to chop out my kidney to pay for it 😂 xx

[Kernishp in reply to Soapsuds86]

If you like I'll send you the details of the one I used, her rates were pretty reasonable.

[Soapsuds86]

I'm going to try speak to another one the clinic has. i saw her before and in all honesty, she wasn't for me but thought I'd give it a go.

Yeah please and I'll have little look. might be worth it until o can get hold of mine xx