long ttc, thinking about surrogacy

Hello girls! I never thought I will ask for help in such question as surrogacy. I never thought I’ll face infertility because there was never such problem in my family. All women in our family have many children. My grandmother gave birth to 5 kids. My mom gave birth to 3 kids. Both of my sisters have children.

My husband and I were ttc for 3 years and nothing. I thought that he had some problems with health. I didn’t even think that this is me who have problems with fertility! We tried literally everything. In last 6 years we had 5 cycles of ivf and 3 cycles of de ivf. Nothing gave result. All cycles failed. I’m so tired of all this.

I feel like I’m black sheep of my family. My parents and sisters tell me we are doing something wrong that’s why we don’t have kids. What the hell can be done wrong in this process?! My older sister keeps telling me I should try with another man. She thinks my husband and I are incompatible and that’s why we can’t conceive. But I love my husband! I want to create family with him and nobody else! Her words really hurt me.

Also my family keeps telling me that surrogacy is such a folly. They say it’s dangerous because surrogate mothers are poor women. They all have bad genetic and it influence babies they carry. Also they say that surrogate mothers can leave babies. That they do it only to get as much money as they can and in result we will remain penniless and childless.

I don’t think they’re fully right, because their reasons to declaim surrogacy are so stupid. The only fact that disturbs me is that surrogate mother can leave baby. What if she really did that? What then? It bothers me and because of this I can’t decide if this is a good idea. Girls, please help!

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  • I'm so sorry about your failed cycles. Don't blame yourself. That's not your fault at all. There are processes which aren't under our control. I'm sure you'll get what you want. We should always fight for our dreams and goals no matter what. I also can't carry a baby by myself. I was born without uterus. There is no chance for me to get pregnant and feel my baby pushing into my stomach. Still I'm grateful there are places and people who can help us with our problem.

    To be honest, I don't understand your family. They should support you. But they tell such things instead... What is that supposed to mean "to try with another man"? That's so wrong to tell such things. I hate it when people say that surrogate mothers are poor women. The most stupid thing ever! Who cares why those women become sm? It's their business. Doctors check those women' health in any case. And this fact is the most important in this procedure.

    There is possibility that sm may leave a baby. All depends on legislation of the country and how it regulates surrogacy. For example, we were choosing between Russia and Ukraine to go for surrogacy program. Russian legislation is not very inclined for infertile couples. They have a law which gives all rights for child to surrogate mother. So she can leave a baby if she wants to. I don't know what intended parents should do in such case... I think it's almost impossible to prove that this baby genetically related with you, that it's yours. DNA test should be done, but only mother of a child can permit (or forbid) to do it. Since sm is an actual mother of a baby, only she can give such permission. That's really confusing... We didn't want to risk, so chose Ukraine, which doesn't have this law.

  • Thank you Taylor for support. I love my family, but I also don't understand them. I thought they will support me in such situation. But they just don't understand. You are absolutely right! It's only business of surrogate mothers why they decided to carry babies for other women. I tried to explain this to my family. I tried to explain them that doctors check these women, their health and ability to carry a baby. They don't want to listen(

    I thank you so much for information about legislation of different countries. I'll look more into this. That is really horrible that strange woman have all rights to live a baby which is not genetically related with her. I understand that she carried that baby and pregnancy influence her somehow. But when those women becoming surrogacy they should understand that child they carry is not belong to them and they will have to give baby to intended parents.

    Taylor did you have experience in surrogacy? You know a lot about this procedure. I will be very grateful if you share your experience!

  • You're welcome dear! I'll advise you not to listen to your family members. You don't have to argue with them. At the same time it's your life. They don't understand, because they don't have such problem. I can't get it why they don't put themselves in your shoes and look at your problem from the other side... Anyway, hun, the only thing which matters is your desire to become a mother. So just do what you have to.

    Yes, you're absolutely right. Not only Russia has this law. I'd advise you to google surrogacy laws in different countries so you'll know where and how you can avoid such risk.

    Sure, I'm always ready to help. It makes me happy when I can share my journey and it may be helpful. We decided to concentrate mostly on Europe. We were choosing between Russia and Ukraine. Ultimately we chose Ukrainian clinic. Reviews were mostly positive and this clinic has high success rates. Though we had some doubts about their medicine, we decided to go there and check everything. Our concerns faded away when we talk to our doctor and program coordinator. We saw fashionable design of the clinic and modern equipment. And the most important we saw many couples there! I should say lines were very long. All doctors and staff were busy with work. It took approximately 30 minutes for a doctor to talk with each couple. And there were approximately 30 couples in each line... So yeah, we were exhausted. But I think the result worth it! Our daughter Kristine was born in May last year. So I have neither complaints no regrets)

    The surrogacy process is very exciting, but also emotionally and financially taxing. So just go into it mentally prepared, knowing that it will be tough but worth it. I liked that our clinic had fixed price for the procedure. We chose vip package for €49 900. There were also packages for lower prices. So we paid this only amount for everything. We were never asked to pay more. And also the sum was divided into 5 parts so we didn't have to pay the whole amount at once.

    Yes, the whole process can seem so daunting and overwhelming! What helped me was to start a notebook with my research and next steps. I love checklists! Once you get more familiar with the process, you’ll be able to break it down into more attainable steps. I promise it will all seem so much clear. You’re already doing a great job by getting out there and asking questions to get started. If you have more questions, please feel free to ask)

  • I appreciate your support. You have the point here. I should stop take to heart what my family says. It's their opinion and I can do nothing about that. I should take my own decisions. I should think what’s better for me and my own family. I have serious intention to go through surrogacy with my beloved hubby. I need nobody, but him.

    May I ask which clinic did you used? It seems really popular if it had so long lines. I think waiting is not a big problem. Looking at the 'result' of your procedure I think that's not a big deal to wait for a couple of hours.

    Thank you so much for tips and advices. I'll use them in my search. Could you tell more about this Ukrainian clinic? What services do they offer? Did you have problems with documents for your baby girl? I've read some info on the other forum. There was a comment that even if we have surrogacy abroad, our baby won't be able to get back home with us without some special documents. That lady said that many couples who had surrogacy abroad faced such problem and it caused a lot of troubles. Some of them even had to go to court. That's really scary information...

  • I'm happy I could help! You have the right thoughts. I'm sure together with your dh you'll make it!

    We had surrogacy in Ukrainian clinic biotexcom. It's well-known clinic nowadays. It's becoming popular with each year. This clinic has high rates of successful treatments. That's why people go there from all over the world. I should say that neither our program coordinator, nor our doctor made us to wait for too long. When we contacted the clinic for the first time, response was fast, answers to our questions were clear and we got all info we needed. In 2,5 months after our first visit our program coordinator contacted us and told us that they found surrogate mother for us.

    The service was on a good level. Even some small details were considered. Despite we were in foreign and unknown country, we felt comfortable and didn’t worry that we’ll be lost or couldn’t find what we need. We were met by taxi driver. Then taxi was carrying us across the city. We didn't have to find the clinic by ourselves! We also had a translator so there were no misunderstandings at all. That girl translated everything for us and also answered all our questions. We stayed at nice apartment with all needed facilities. Btw, there are photos of housing, which the clinic proposes on its website. We had no problems with food supply or communication.

    Speaking about documents you have nothing to worry about. The clinic helped us with them too. I also had no idea where to go and how to organize everything right. They provided us with assistance in the Ukrainian civil registry office. We've got the child’s birth certificate there. And of course they helped us in getting a travel passes for our daughter. Idk maybe those couples had troubles only because their agencies/clinics didn't manage all documents in a right way. We had no problems with taking our baby girl home.

  • I have to say I'm surprised! I've never thought that any clinic in the world could find surrogate mother in just 2-3 months. I was fully sure we'll have to wait at least a year or even more. How it's even possible to find woman for surrogacy program for such short period of time? Especially considering the fact that there is more than one couple who crave for surrogate mother. Is there a possibility that this clinic doesn't make medical tests so they accept all women who submit an application? I'm sorry for all these doubting questions... Maybe it's just popular among Ukrainian women to be surrogate mothers.

    How did you find that taxi driver and translator? Is there some kind of websites? I'll be grateful for any info or contact details of those people. I really have no idea how and where can I find "helpers" for easier stay in Ukraine. I thought to use some translating apps on phone. But I think they won't help much... How much did you pay for services of taxi and translator? How much your apartment costed? Don't you think it would be cheaper to stay in hotel e.g. I think the clinic may inflate price a bit.

    I'm relieved to hear that the clinic helps with organizing all paper work. How much did you pay for this help? You probably think I'm crazy about prices and think only about costs. I'm asking not because I want to find the cheapest variants. I'm not trying to save as much money as possible. The only thing I want to do is to count all prices so we'll know how much money we'll need. I hope for your understanding)

  • I understand your astonishment. We were also in great shock when our coordinator informed us that they've found sm for us. I really have no idea why there are so many women in Ukraine who are ready to be sm. I think that's not my business. I believe that there are a lot of girls who want to give happiness to such couples as ours. I'm sure this clinic checks all women before allowing them to participate in such program. Otherwise this clinic doesn't have such high success rates) Actually all requirements to potential surrogate mothers we found on the official page. The clinic makes psychological diagnostic and also medical examination to confirm that woman is physically available for fertilization, pregnancy and delivery of a healthy child.

    Actually the clinic provided us with taxi, translator and apartment. We didn't pay for these services. They've been already included into packages. Food supply and help with documents have been included there as well. The only amount we paid was €49 900. Those services are included in all packages which the clinic has. So whatever variant you choose, you'll have those services.

  • Thank you for help and kind words. I hope we'll make it. I'm afraid to think about future. I don't want to flush out our luck. But I can do nothing with my mind! Thoughts about baby and parenting don't left me even for a second. I imagine my baby, how I hold them and feed them... It scares me to death when thoughts about failure come to my mind! I understand we are not insured from some inconveniences and falls. But I really want to believe the process will go calm and smooth. I want our journey to fly by fast and resulted in creation of happy family we dream about.

    Taylor, thank you so much for details and explanations. What you've told about health of surrogate mothers make sense. You've calmed me down. I'm relieved to know the clinic checks women. You're right! That's not our business why surrogates are surrogates. I don't think that it's bad even if they do what they do for money. The most important is appropriate medical examination of them. Price seems pretty reasonable. I'm glad to know the clinic allows all that services. I was so nervous we will get lost in foreign country and we might have problems. I'm sorry for bothering you. I appreciate you spent your time to explain me everything. You've helped a lot! We've already contacted biotexcom and a couple more Ukrainian clinics. I hope we made the right choice. I will keep updating you with news. We'll go to Ukraine on 7th of December. Seven is my lucky number. Maybe it's a sign haha I'm soooo nervous. I hope I won't spoil our luck by telling such details. I know what you think! I'm too superstitious. My husband tells me this all the time! Sorry I can do nothing with myself. I'm always scared to tell/do something wrong and cause a failure. I should stop be so negative!!! Especially in our situation. I will do my best to stay positive! Thanks again girls! Wish us good luck! I will post as soon as there will be some news!

  • No problem hun) You didn't bother me at all! I'm really happy I could help. I know what you are talking about! Sometimes I'm also superstitious too much. But honey, don't think about failures! You should open up your mind and your heart for good vibes and thoughts. More you think about positive result, less you nervous and torture yourself with bad thoughts.

    Price is not that high like in the other countries. The clinic planned our stay in Ukraine from the very beginning and till the end. That was really comfortable. We could concentrate on our surrogacy. We were not bothered with other staff and nothing was distracting us. So we were satisfied with that. I wish you good luck, hun! I'll be waiting for your updates)

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