Am I going mad?

Hello Ladies, this is probably going to sounds nuts and I don't want to be insensitive to anyone. I understand all journeys are individual, but wondered if anyone has experienced similar feelings that I am currently. To cut a long story short, I've stage 4 severe endo with various complications and had several operations. Throughout my history I've constantly been told negative stories ..."you won't get pregnant....if you do you won't carry full term...20wks would be your aim rather than 12wks etc". My hubby and I have ttc for a few years naturally without success. I've never been pregnant. We've recently had our first ivf treatment and have been extremely lucky as I am now pregnant. Almost 11 wks now. Had two scans (7wks when discharged from clinic and another private scan at 10wks to settle nerves as nhs system taking a while to start with midwife) so far everything looks ok. We've not told family and friends apart from my dear sister and a couple of close friends. I'm to scared to use the word pregnant and trying to be positive but I'm nervous and cautious instead. My poor hubby is optimistic and happy. He is trying to support me but I know it is hard for him to see me like this. I also tend to push him away, I don't mean to but in a funny way it's to protect him. I just can't bring myself to relax because of constant 'drilling' I've had over the years. Generally I'm a positive person and support everyone else...yet with this I'm struggling. I went through the treatment in a blur, almost mechanical and didn't think about it - sounds weird I know. Now I'm in denial and frightened as there is nothing I can do to ensure it is successful. I feel so selfish as I know many people haven't been as lucky as us. But I'm also angry as feel robbed of excitement...It's as though if natural you would celebrate from beginning but as its been a long journey each stage is precious and seems riskier as more to loose. I'm frightened to tell people if we get to 12wks as I've never hidden endo and fear rather than a normal response people may ask if we've had ivf. I'm not ashamed but don't want people to know....It's private and let's face it if no hint of issues people would never ask "when did you have sex?"! I also don't feel like celebrating yet as such a long way to go so I wouldn't know how to respond if people are excited with questions etc. I feel so silly and despite everything I'm incredibly grateful for this start but didn't expect wave of crazy thoughts. I just want to enjoy being pregnant but can't. Am I mad? Anyone been through this or feeling the same? I don't expect answers or even advice as I know each journey is personal and people deal with things differently. But it would be nice to know this is part of the journey for some people. Waffle over ..phew! xx

22 Replies

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  • Hiya it's mad reading your post. I don't have endo I just have unexplained infertility which Ive always thought I don't want people knowing. We told a few people about the ivf but only work and a few close friends really. I'm feeling exactly the same as you I will be 11 weeks on Monday and I'm totally struggling. Hubby was dying to tell the world after the 3Rd scan but it was at 8 weeks and now I'm so nervous. We went to a party last night and a few people there knew but I tried avoiding talking to them about it. I'm so worried something will happen I'm scared I'm never going to feel excited. I think we've been through so much to get to this point until the baby is moving we won't relax. We were ttc for 6 years I had 2 miscarriages and then finally got accepted for ivf. We only had 2 eggs and only one made it which they said had a low chance of survival. This is the longest I've been pregnant for now and I want to be excited but I just can't relax at all. I really hope everything is okay for you. Just didn't want you to think you were the only one feeling this way xx

  • Hello thanks so much for your reply. In some ways it is lovely to know I'm not alone but I also wish others like you weren't feeling the same! X I think as some of the ladies have said below it might help to acknowledge some worry and then try to take the rest of each day as a positive little step xx tricky but at least we also have this site as support. Take care and I wish you all the very best with your journey x

  • It is really good to know your not the only one isn't. I was tellingy hubby about your post yesterday and he said you just need to accept it is what it is and if something goes wrong as upsetting as it is its no one's fault and worrying won't help. I'm going to try and be positive and enjoy what is happening. As soon as I've had my 12 weeks scan it feel a million times better. Good luck with your pregnancy and baby xx

  • Hi Jae85, hope that you also find a way to enjoy being pregnant. Best of luck on your journey πŸ€

  • You are not going mad at all,what you're experiencing is a completely normal. I was exactly like you in my story apart from a few whole pregnancy I couldn't quite believe it was happening to me and whenever I didn't feel movement i was convinced that something had happened...I think even while I was in labour I was still just going through the emotions mechanically...don't get me wrong I loved being pregnant etc but I wouldn't let myself become emotionally attached to my baby.....this does not make you a bad person/mother it makes you advice is to just enjoy it and try to relax Iknow that's easier said than done but little miracle is now 20months old and I still can't quite believe it but when she wants you at 2am you soon believe it all lol .....good luck and I'll be sending you all the luck in the world xxx

  • Hello - phew not just me! Congratulations on your lovely miracle πŸ’– the early mornings must be a different challenge I'm sure lol x thank you for your advice. It makes complete sense and is reassuring to hear your view and experience. As you said not feeling movement doesn't help with the nerves either ...but early days so I will try to be kind to myself. Thanks again and enjoy your miracle x

  • I'm reading this and I totally get what your saying x I have the same as you and we also got BFP on our first cycle and now we are 8wk 4 days (i think!!). I'm trying to enjoy it but it's hard because I know it can be taken away just as quick any time. My friends that know are so excited!! I agree with the part that because you can't feel anything you don't know what's going on but I'm sure it's all OK. We have a second scan next week and it seriously can't come sooner lol not had our booking appointment through just yet but hopefully that will come soon. Xx

  • Hello, thanks for your reply x it is funny to read you 'think' you know your stage...I'm the same ..I can't quite work it out as we have been told different things by a couple of days. We've decided to take the stage indicated on our scan! My sister is super excited and I know she is trying to rein it in. I hope once I feel movement I will relax some more. Our booking appointment is the end of next week but we won't have another scan for a week or so. I might ask if an earlier one is possible. Good luck with your second scan next week and all the very best for the rest of your journey x

  • Hi Hun

    Completely different situation to you but I can relate to some of your feelings right now xx we lost our baby boy unexpectedly at 36 weeks due to my placenta failing( an issue I will have again apparently! ) I am now pregnant over 4 months later and terrified!! I can't relax at all at the moment but I am hoping one day I will and I will get to enjoy this pregnancy. I can totally get why u feel this way but after being pregnant with Harrison I know how precious that time is! No matter what happens would u not rather look back with fond memories of being pregnant and fully enjoy the experience? Because if something does go wrong it does not matter how much you protect yourself now by ignoring/not celebrating, not enjoying the pregnancy the hurt will still be the same. Try and take each day as a blessing, today I am pregnant and this is a miracle and therefore today I am going to enjoy this moment. When u start to feel that little baby move it may well change for u.. I am so glad I got to enjoy my pregnancy with Harrison because it really is amazing and a true true gift!

    Try and allow yourself so much time in the day to worry about it and until that time every negative thought that comes in your head just let it go, don't chase it.

    I know I won't stop u from worrying but u r not alone in how u feel, u have lost confidence in being pregnant, u just need to build that confidence back up and pregnancy is so precious therefore u become scared of losing something so precious to you.. But because it is precious it should also be enjoyed and the moments savoured.

    Sorry for rambling on!

    Lou X

  • Hi Lou, thanks for your reply and honesty. I'm so sorry to read about Harrison xx I really admire your strength and courage in terms of your advice. You are right, I do need I build my confidence. Your words are incredibly inspiring and not at all rambling! I know I don't know you but am sending you lots of love and positivity for your pregnancy. I hope you also have lots of support around you. All the very best and take care x

  • I think it's perfectly normal to feel like you do. We have been trying to have a baby for more than 5 years, have had several miscarriages, treatment for endo and fertility issues and eventually had ivf this year. I'm 21 weeks pregnant now. Very few people know about the Ivf - you don't have to tell anyone, it is private. Ive kept our journey very private other than a very few close people. Bottom line is its nobody else's business so who cares what they think, and I'm sure nobody would be rude enough to say those things to you even if they think it. Totally natural to be scared. Ive just taken it one tiny step at a time. Each milestone is a step closer. I thought it would get easier after 12 weeks but it's just as scary now! We didn't tell anyone else until about 15 weeks when we could no longer hide it. I think how you feel is normal in your circumstances. Just try not to push hubby away - you're on the same team and you need each other. Sounds like you're going well so I wish you all the best for a healthy pregnancy! X

  • Hello, thanks for your reply. Its such a tricky and often lengthy journey before you can access treatment isn't it. In many ways I was exhausted before we started ivf! It is so reassuring to read your comments 're nervousness and keeping your journey private. My husband and I are doing the same...I think originally he wanted to be more open but understands more now and feels the same that this is about us and people don't need to be involved. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes really well and send you lots of best wishes too x

  • I can also understand how you feel, I am now 13 weeks, I had my 12 week scan on Thursday and was convinced that there would be no baby there, but everything was fine and watching my little baby jumping all over the place it finally hit me I'm really pregnant, we have now started telling people and today brought our first item of clothing for our little one. Still worry a bit but that's only natural. Hopefully when you have your 12 week scan it will make you feel more positive. Xx

  • Hello, thanks for your reply. It is a lot of comfort to know my feelings are 'normal'. It must have been lovely to see your healthy wriggling baby x Hopefully our scan won't be too long after our booking appointment. Take care of yourself and sending you all the very best for the rest of your journey x

  • Thank you. When is your 12 week scan? xx

  • We don't have a date yet. Our first midwife appt is this week. I've been told that the midwife books scan based on availability of slots....may be after wk12 and closer to 13/14! X

  • Hello HopeNY16, what a dilemma 😨...

    But I will say that I don't think you're crazy at all as I am finding the same trouble accepting my pregnancy.

    We also had our share of failure and losses until we got here and to sum it up the last IVF bfp all was fine and week 9/10 the heart stopped and I had to go to EPAU to remove fetus.

    Now this time I honestly felt that it hadn't worked from implantation (7/8/16) as I had spotting and cramps up till my first scan (7/9/16) . I had even stopped progesterone and booked in for a follow up with consultant.

    But it is bfp and bloods as well as 7wks scan confirm that however I also fail to jump around with excitement. Instead I find myself waiting arroundfor next scan (all feel like the first 2ww following ET) and worrying that something bad will happen 😯.

    Like yours my dear hubby is also very excited and oblivious of my fears (I do my best to hide it) but before the 1st scan I also pushed him away and kept telling that it didn't feel right so I didn't want him to get over excited as I didn't want him to be disappointed.

    I still fear every day however I made a promise to myself, I will enjoy beeing pregnant regardless (even though at this moment there's little enjoyment with sickness, lol...) and if worst comes to worse I will just have to deal with it when the time comes.

    Hope that you find it in yourself to allow you and hubby to enjoy this moment as we don't know if we will ever go through this blessing again and no matter what right now WE ARE PREGNANT πŸ’–.

    Wish you the very best and hopefully in a few months we will be sharing pics of our healthy babiesπŸ€πŸ˜Š

  • Hi JMac2013 seems a lot of us feel this way and it is 'normal' x all about the little steps and mini celebration along the way I think. I'm trying to relax and go with the flow especially after being reassured I'm not the only one feeling this way. I really hope your pregnancy is a happy and healthy one and wish you all the very best x

  • Thank you. God bless x

  • Hi HopeNY16.

    Yes you're being mad!!

    That's amazing news!!! You're pregnant!!!! Be happy!!!! I would literally be on cloud 9 to hear those words. I'm tearing up just thinking about hearing those words one day!!!

    Don't ruin such an amazing time by thinking negative thoughts!! And I know it's hard when most of what you read and hear about Endo is negative stories. But did you also know getting pregnant gets rids of Endometriosis??? This is true. I have been told by many doctors; either go on the pill or get pregnant!

    We have just signed up for IVF yesterday and I'm probably going to be the same as you, mechanical. Get it out the way. But to be pregnant at the end, which is in no way guaranteed is an incredible feeling!!!!

    And imagine some women go through the pain of all the injections and emotionally suffer when it comes back negative!!

    Honestly, you're going to be perfect!

    Congratulations again, great news xxx

  • Hello Annie8888, thanks for you honest reply x I also wish you luck with your cycle. I'm getting there on the will take time but I'm cautious happy πŸ˜‰

  • Good to hear Hun :)

    I hope you let yourself enjoy it more as weeks go by... and maybe even baby clothes shopping πŸ˜†X

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