Hello Ladies, this is probably going to sounds nuts and I don't want to be insensitive to anyone. I understand all journeys are individual, but wondered if anyone has experienced similar feelings that I am currently. To cut a long story short, I've stage 4 severe endo with various complications and had several operations. Throughout my history I've constantly been told negative stories ..."you won't get pregnant....if you do you won't carry full term...20wks would be your aim rather than 12wks etc". My hubby and I have ttc for a few years naturally without success. I've never been pregnant. We've recently had our first ivf treatment and have been extremely lucky as I am now pregnant. Almost 11 wks now. Had two scans (7wks when discharged from clinic and another private scan at 10wks to settle nerves as nhs system taking a while to start with midwife) so far everything looks ok. We've not told family and friends apart from my dear sister and a couple of close friends. I'm to scared to use the word pregnant and trying to be positive but I'm nervous and cautious instead. My poor hubby is optimistic and happy. He is trying to support me but I know it is hard for him to see me like this. I also tend to push him away, I don't mean to but in a funny way it's to protect him. I just can't bring myself to relax because of constant 'drilling' I've had over the years. Generally I'm a positive person and support everyone else...yet with this I'm struggling. I went through the treatment in a blur, almost mechanical and didn't think about it - sounds weird I know. Now I'm in denial and frightened as there is nothing I can do to ensure it is successful. I feel so selfish as I know many people haven't been as lucky as us. But I'm also angry as feel robbed of excitement...It's as though if natural you would celebrate from beginning but as its been a long journey each stage is precious and seems riskier as more to loose. I'm frightened to tell people if we get to 12wks as I've never hidden endo and fear rather than a normal response people may ask if we've had ivf. I'm not ashamed but don't want people to know....It's private and let's face it if no hint of issues people would never ask "when did you have sex?"! I also don't feel like celebrating yet as such a long way to go so I wouldn't know how to respond if people are excited with questions etc. I feel so silly and despite everything I'm incredibly grateful for this start but didn't expect wave of crazy thoughts. I just want to enjoy being pregnant but can't. Am I mad? Anyone been through this or feeling the same? I don't expect answers or even advice as I know each journey is personal and people deal with things differently. But it would be nice to know this is part of the journey for some people. Waffle over ..phew! xx
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