infertility and surrogacy

Hi girls!I really need some advice, help and support.I was diagnosed with chronic glomerulonephritis when I was 15. Now I’m 32, so I live with this disease for almost 17 years. I’ve been treated for long time, which was very stressful and excruciating for me. Droppers, hormones, dozens of pills, those who have same diagnose know what it is and how it feels. The protein content in urinalysis was up to 6.6 g. Then there was a long remission. Of course I still had to do some medical tests. Then I met my husband. First 2 years of our relationships we didn't think about children and everything was fine. On 3rd year we decided it’s time for us to become parents. We moved from his parents to new big house. We’ve been always dreaming to have 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl. In a couple of months after moving to new house I’ve got pregnant! We were in seventh heaven! But doctors exclaimed in one voice, that I need to do an abortion immediately. They said I'm crazy if I decide to leave a baby and my pregnancy may cause huge problems not only to my health, but to baby's too. But I made a decision that I will carry my baby. So I signed some documents, where I refused to do an abortion. Then I went for treatment in a hospitals, again medications and tests… I cried a lot, I was nervous all the time, I couldn't sleep. All these influenced my health too and my pressure suddenly started to increase. I went to the hospital(one of the best in our city) and doctors first refused to take me, they didn't want to be responsible if something go wrong. But my husband talked to them and I stayed there. At 26th week of pregnancy my pressure raised to 180 and the doctors decided to do an emergency caesarean section. They said there is a chance that baby will survive. But after the surgery my girl had lived for only a couple of minutes. I was in intensive care for a long time. I don't even remember that time, I was becoming insane.I couldn't accept my loss. I felt her in my stomach, I talked to her, I chose name for her…The doctors made blood transfusion to save me, but I didn't want them to. This is my lamentable story, which still gives me lots of pain and sorrow. It's been already 3 years, but I can't forget and never will. My husband supports me all the time and he hints to try again. But I'm sure I won't survive next time, neither physically nor mentally. I want have children and I want to create family I was dreaming about. But I want to stay alive and I want to have health to care about them. After some research and consultation with my doctor I think about surrogacy. Maybe you can advice clinics and tell more about the procedure itself? I'll appreciate any help.

17 Replies

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  • I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position hun. You should have been advised against pregnancy a long time ago. If your egg quality would be good, then surrogacy would be an option. If not then you would need donor eggs. Bear in mind you will have to go through the whole ivf process if using your own eggs and believe me it is tough, physically and mentally. You would need to speak with a specialist embryologist, who is familiar with renal problems. I'm sure there are others on here who can help with better answers. Don't give up on motherhood, just be prepared to think outside the box xx

  • I cant help but just wanted to say how sorry I am for your heart breaking journey so far. Life is so cruel, good luck for the future xxx

  • Hi rachelGR. So sorry to hear of your loss, as I too suffered such a loss many years ago. I feel that for the moment your health is most important, as you will realise that a diagnosis of glomerulonephritis can be an ongoing condition needing regular checkups. In view of the real possibility of your blood pressure rising throughout any ovarian stimulation, then as "Madcatlady55" says perhaps the donor egg option would be best, or using the surrogate's eggs. Lots to understand and think about, but obviously I do wish you both well with whatever is eventually decided. Thinking of you. Diane

  • I have no experience with the condition you have, however just wanted to say you must be a remarkable lady to go through what you've been through, heartbreaking to read you story. Tbh I know I would have made the same decision myself if I had been in your shoes. I hope that everything works out for you. Huge hugs xx

  • Girls, thank you so much for your support! Your kind words warm my heart. I really needed to talk with somebody about my feelings. I want to be strong. I show everyone I'm fine, I can go through all this. But sometimes I just want to cry our everything, which tears me up inside. Thank you for 'listening' to my story! I wish all of you all the best!

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is to loose baby. It’s very good you decided not to give up and look for solutions. I was diagnosed with glomerulonephritis after the birth of my first child. The entire pregnancy I had preeclampsia and hematuria, but not a single gynecologist didn't consider to send me to a nephrologist. When my son was 2 years old I’ve got pregnant again. I thought if I could carry my baby once, I can do this again. I was very careful, I tried to nervous less, I quitted my job. I had a diet, nothing spicy and no salt, only healthy food. At the beginning of pregnancy the protein was 0.33 and the pressure was 120/80. Everything seemed to be fine. At 25th week of pregnancy the situation changed completely. The protein was 6-7 and the pressure 230/100. I felt that the child almost didn't move. Doctors told to do an abortion. A cesarean section was urgently made. My second son was born with a weight of 540 grams and had lived for only 2 days. I’ve almost lost my mind, it was hard to keep on living. After another round of treatment and medical tests we decided to try again. Doctors constantly repeated it’s a mistake and it will ruin my health completely. But an idea to have one more child never left me and I tried to convince myself I will make it this time. The first trimester went perfectly. Of course it was early to relax, but I hoped for the best. Unfortunately my hope wasn't enough. Same story again, 26th week, protein 6, high pressure, cesarean section. It was a boy, he lived for only 3 hours. This loss broke me completely. This time I had not only physical treatment, but mental too. For almost 2 years I visited psychologist. It’s been 5 years already, but pain still tears me up. I think maybe I should have listened to all those doctors, who told me it’s dangerous. But if you never try, you never know for sure. My husband and I decided to try surrogacy. But when we saw prices, we were in shock! We really didn’t know where to go. I was in search 24/7 during a couple of months. It was really hard to find a reliable clinic with affordable price. After some discussions with ladies on different forums we went to Ukraine. The clinic provided us with everything needed, so we felt absolutely comfortable in foreign country. The whole process was under their control. They found surrogate mother for us in 2,5 months. Our son was born on October 2015. We paid approximately 40 000 euros for everything. Though there were so many people and lines were very long, but I think the result worth it) I don't know what else to add... If you have questions, please don't be shy to ask)

  • Thank you so much for your answer and support! I'm sorry for your loss. I can't hold back my tears reading your story. You survived a lot of bad times. I'm glad now you have a happy family. I hope I will also have a good final very soon. I dream to start new life and forget about all difficulties and troubles. I want to live and enjoy every moment. You're right, prices for surrogacy are huge. We're spending so much money on treatment and medications. We were thinking about a loan. But if you say it may cost us €40 000, then I think we could afford it. Did you pay the whole amount at once? I'm a little afraid to give all money right away... Who knows what will happen tomorrow. The clinic found sm for you really fast. I thought it can't take less then a year or even more. I've read an article about UK surrogacy. The process of searching sm may take up to 2 years there. That's really long... But honestly I'm ready to wait! The most important is the result and healthy baby. You say that this clinic provided you with everything, what do you mean? And how much did you pay for this 'providing'? May I ask you how this clinic is called? And were there some hidden fees? Sometimes the headline price for treatment seems good. But once you deep into the process further you find that certain tests are excluded or essential procedures are extra. I've read that some clinics may not include embryo freezing in their price for treatment. Were there something you didn't like? I'm not trying to find falls, just want to know all sides)

  • You're welcome honey! I'm glad I can help. Speaking about the price, we paid 39 900 euros for standard package. But the clinic also has economy package for 29 900 euros and vip for 49 900 euros. You can read about all services on their website if you want. The clinic is called biotexcom by the way. We didn't pay all sum at once! I completely agree with you. It's pretty risky to do so. The payment was divided into 5 rates. We paid 8000 euros during the first visit. Then we paid 7900 euros during our second visit. Third payment 8000 euros was paid on twelve weeks of the gestation of the surrogate mother. 8000 euros we paid after the birth of our son. And the last 5th payment 8000 euros we paid after receiving of the child’s birth certificate and passport for our son to leave the country. We also didn't expect that the clinic will found surrogate mother for such short period of time. It was a great surprise! We were met by taxi driver. Then taxi was carrying us across the city. We didn't have to find the clinic by ourselves! I'm sure we would be lost. Especially considering the fact that neither I nor my husband know the language. The taxi brought us to the clinic. It's a very modern building I must say. We also had a translator so there were no misunderstandings at all. That girl translated everything for us and also answered all our questions. We stayed at nice apartment with all needed facilities and even more) We had no problems with food supply or communication. Thanks to smartphones with Ukrainian numbers we could easily talk to our program coordinator. All these services were already included into our package. There were no hidden fees or extra charges. We paid only that single price. I can't say there was something I didn't like. I was so deep into the procedure I didn't notice) Maybe there were some shortcomings, but they were not so significant.

  • Everything sounds good. It seems the clinic considered each detail so their foreign patients feel comfortable in another country. I've googled Ukraine and biotexcom clinic. There are many reviews, mostly positive. But one fact puts on guard. There are a lot of reports and articles, that Ukraine has war now. I've found many horrible videos. I'm not sure now is a good time to go there. I don't want to wait until situation there will be normalized. I'll probably continue my search. I’ve already set my mind on Ukraine and this clinic…Prices, services and conditions there suit us perfectly. What a bummer! But anyway thanks for all your advices. I'll concider everything you've said in my search.

  • Honey don't worry about war! This situation doesn't influence the clinic's work. We were in Kiev in October 2015 last time. We were nervous too! We didn't know what picture we’ll see after we leave our plane. Especially after watching some videos our panic was huge! I understand your concerns. It's impossible not to pay attention on this fact. But I assure you it’s one of the most peaceful and friendly cities in the world. It's absolutely safe in Kiev. The hostilities take place in east part of Ukraine. So you have nothing to worry about. The only thing you should think about is your future baby. Or babies, who knows, maybe it will be twins)) We had no discomfort at all.

  • I'm so relieved to hear that! Thank you for shedding light on this situation. I'm really glad to know it's safe there. This clinic seems to me the most suitable for us and our financial abilities. I've already shared some info with my husband. He told me that it's dangerous to go to Ukraine now and we should continue our search. Now I can tell him this great news! That's a weight off my mind! I hope you'll help us to clarify some more questions) Is there a possibility to choose surrogate mother by yourself? Where did she live during the program? Did she live with you? It's obvious that surrogate mothers have their own families. I think this is wrong to make them live at your home in another country for almost a year. Did you come to visit her or something like that?

  • You're right, all of surrogate mothers have their families. I think it would be very hard and stressful for her to live apart from them for almost a year. That's why our sm lived with her husband and kids in familiar environment. She felt comfortable and didn't worry about her loved ones. Our program coordinator was informing us about state of our baby and sm at least one per month. Yes, that was hard to be miles away from my girl. I also had so many thoughts in my head. But it's only 9 months of waiting! And then you'll be happy for the whole life with your child by your side. We didn't choose a surrogate mother by ourselves. Her appearance doesn't matter. The most important are her health and ability to bear a child. So our doctor chose sm for us. We were coming for ultrasound checks. Also the clinic provided us with all details about condition of sm and our baby at least once per month.

  • It's hard to be thousands miles away from your baby during 9 months. But we should also think about those women, who help us to become parents. They care about our baby, they carry it for us. They make a great thing! So we should consider their needs and desires too. They will nervous less and be more calm surrounded by relatives in their native home. Was there problems with documents for your child? I have absolutely no idea how to arrange all this in Ukraine. I guess some documents for child to leave the country will be needed. How to make everything right? I'm scared that police will take my baby away from me in the airport. And it will be my fault, because I'll make something wrong. I know I'm thinking up new problems) I really can do nothing about this, sorry) I hope for your advices! Thank you for your patience)

  • You're welcome honey! If I can help somehow I'll do it with pleasure) Speaking about documents you have nothing to worry about. The clinic helped us with them too. I also had no idea where to go and how to organize everything right. They provided us with assistance in the Ukrainian civil registry office. We've got the child’s birth certificate there. And of course they helped us in getting a travel pass for our son.

  • Thank you so much for all this info! It's really hard to find good clinic nowadays. There are so many clinics, but not all of them have professional doctors. I've read so many reviews about failed surrogacy procedures. And there was negligence of doctors almost in all caces! Also the fact that there are so much scammers makes the search even harder. Their amount grows with each year. You never know for sure whom you speak with. There are so much cases when people try to find sm by themselves. Usually such 'experiments' end with total failure. I'm happy I found this forum. Now I know what to concider and where to move. I have a strong feeling this time I'll make it. So much nerves and efforts were spent. I appreciate your help! I wish all of us all the best. I hope we'll have new member in our family very soon.

  • You're welcome honey, I'm happy I could help) I remember myself in the beginning of my journey. Thanks to all kind ladies I made my choice. Thanks to all those reviews, both positive and negative. After reading them I knew which place is better to go. I know from my own experience, it's hard to move further without support. Especially when there is no one who can really understand. I like your mood and attitude! Our thoughts mean so much in successful result. We should always send positive vibrations to the Universe. They say it gives joy in our life. I don't know if it 100% true. But there are so many examples, which show that our thoughts are half of success! I'll be waiting for updates from you! I'm sure you'll bring baby to your home very soon)

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how painful it feels. It's nice you decided to move on. I will tell you about my surrogacy process, maybe it will help you. I also faced the problem of infertility. My husband and I have got married when we were 26 (now we are 40). We decided to set aside kids issue for a couple of years and to take up our careers. But unpredictable happened. I started to feel pain in the abdomen. I’ve lost 17 pounds for very short period of time. I felt exhausted and I was getting tired very fast. One night I woke up because of sharp pain in abdomen and it was hurt unbearable. I was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus, after which the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries were removed. It was critical period for our family. My husband wanted a son very much, but I knew that I couldn't fulfill his wish. I was afraid that my husband will leave me for another woman, who will be able to bear a child for him. And I began to look for solutions. I wanted to do everything to save us from split. After a long search, conversations with friends, reading of articles and reviews in the Internet, we decided to focus on surrogacy. But in our country it is, unfortunately, very expensive and we couldn't afford it. So we began to look for clinics in other countries. We wanted to find the best doctors and, at the same time, affordable price. It turned out that this procedure is legal in Ukraine and there are a lot of clinics. So we took this chance. Now we have a wonderful healthy boy! My husband and I are very happy and grateful. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! It's better to talk with someone, who went through this, who knows everything for sure. I hope my story will help your family! I wish you good luck and I hope your dream of having a baby will come true!

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