Donor Sperm

[Sunshine1001]

I was wondering if anyone who has chosen to use donor sperm could give me their reasons for doing so? It would be much appreciated as I am really struggling with this.

[Helto200]

Myself and my DH are going through IVF using donor sperm. I was always happy to adopt, but my husband Said that every woman should have a chance to be pregnant, easier said than done 😃, and also it means he is part of the whole pregnancy and birth. It took us a while to come to terms with it and my DH has it harder than I do at times, I reckon. I think when eventually we have our bundle of joy then we won't even care where it came from. Any more questions then ask away. Xx

[Sunshine1001 in reply to Helto200]

Thank you! I feel that the pregnancy part is the least important to me but my husband doesn't get that and is for donor.

[ardnek]

I am currently doing the same thing. It was my husband's decision in the end.

When we first went for tests I kept saying that our baby would either be 100% or 0% ours. So we conceived it or we adopted it. At the end of the day tho it was my husband who has abnormal results and wanted to go down this route.

Every time I said I was happy to adopt my husband would reply ' but then they won't have your eyes.' It was the sweetest thing but at the same time heart breaking.

I struggled and still am with this decision. We just found out two weeks ago and I think I'm still in the grieving process. In happy to go through the pregnancy but I can't shake off the fact that it won't be my husband's.

Anytime a 3rd party is involved with a pregnancy like donor sperm or eggs, if you go through a clinic then legally you will get counselling and they should help you as well.

Next step is picking the donor and that has its own problems. We have ours picked, I think, so if you have any questions when you come to that stage ask away.xx

[Sunshine1001 in reply to ardnek]

Not sure if I'll manage to be ok with it. I like you think 100% or 0% but my husband would want to go down the donor route.

[ardnek in reply to Sunshine1001]

It's hard even tho I know DNA does not make you a parent, having not seen my own father in years and my husband didn't even know his until he was an adult. Even after all that it's so hard and while no matter what % the baby is in terms of us, it will be OURS and my husband will love them no differently.

Logically I should be feeling fine but I just want to cry every time I think of it.

[Sunshine1001 in reply to ardnek]

Me too! And I know in practice it won't make any difference. I married my husband and want my husband's child. But I know we will be a family no matter how we get a child. Time is what we need I think. xx

[Jaky76]

I am single and so no partner and am 39 .So it was a decision I made with my family's support 18 months ago. At first I found it hard to get my head round but I am very much settled with my decision now. Different answer to the 2 ladies before me, we all have different stories..best of luck xxx

[bigmac1984]

I am also intrested to know what makes people decide to use donor sperm, I have been diagnosed with severe Oligaspermia (count of less than 1 million) and I am going back for further sa tests in a few weeks to find out if there are any useable sperm. At the moment I am dead against donor sperm but from reading posts on here many people start off that way but then change their mind, I am just interested to understand this more, at the moment there is still a chance that we can use my sperm for ICSI but maybe my mindset will change if I get told we can't. It just all seems so complicated!

[Cinderella5 in reply to bigmac1984]

Hi Chris

This maybe doesnt help with the sperm donor decision but thought I'd share our story as its similar!

My other half was in the same position as you, low sperm count and low motility though we didnt actually know the number as the SA was done in our local hospital instead of our clinic. Our clinic was very clear that we may get to the point of no sperm being produced due to high FSH and low testosterone....testicular failure. Due to this we also had in the back of out heads that we may have had to use donor sperm which is a difficult thought. However our clinic said "you're not at that stage yet". Anyway we had an appointment for freezing sperm last week and spoke to the embryologist and he said that he would let us know if we get any for freezing, wanted around 10 vials to give us a reasonable shot for a few rounds of ICSI. Although the count on the day was less than 1 million we actually got 8 vials from that one sample. They still hope to use fresh on the if possible though.

From our initial two SA results I suggested we might have to consider donor sperm to bring up the conversation. In all honesty I dont think the OH was keen at all and felt very guilty and it was all his fault. He didnt say no but wasnt keen to talk about it. I felt it wasnt my place to force the issue, however once the threat of not having children hit home then and time went by we started discussing the option more. We have friends that had to use donor egg and sperm and they love their baby so much as well as a couple who fostered children and have adopted twins, they are also much wanted and loved which helped though I understand this isnt for everyone.

Good luck on your journey!

[bigmac1984]

Thanks Cindarella5, we are in a very similar situation, only slight difference is that I have normal testosterone but elevated fsh and lh levels. We are waiting for the sa at the clinic and they have suggested freezing if they find enough for it to be worthwhile. How do they measure a vial? Do they aim to have a certain number of sperm in each vial?? Sorry if that's a bit specific it's just something we haven't got to yet so don't know how it works. Chris

[Cinderella5 in reply to bigmac1984]

We didn't have a clue either till we went on the day for freezing but Im a very inquisitive person and asked to speak to the embryologist beforehand which he was more than happy to do. I think my OH was a bit mortified but the way I see it is they do this job everyday! I cant remember the exact figures but each vial holds a certain volume so and for every ml of sperm produced they add an amount of freezing agent. The total volume of everything was split into max amount for each vial so we landed up with 8 which they were happy with. Sorry I cant be more specific. He did say that if he didnt get enough in the first sample to do around 10 vials then he would have my OH back to do another one or two samples so its not like it has to be done all in one go.

[bigmac1984]

Thanks, yes that kind of makes sense, do they know at the time how many sperm are in each vial? I guess the next step is to do a test thaw on a vial or two to see how the sperm survive? What stage are u at with things? Are u going to try IVF/ICSI? I'm getting pretty nervous now as it feels like crunch time, if we have sperm then we will be in a good place as we've already accepted we won't be able to conceive naturally and out only chance is ICSI, if we don't have sperm then we will have to make some tough decisions.

[Cinderella5 in reply to bigmac1984]

We are having ICSI, well on the waiting list looking to start my drugs around May on the NHS. Im not sure if they know exactly how many sperm is in each vial, in the same way that they only give the count per ml of sperm which is multiplied by how many ml of sperm goes into a vial. We got told that 75% of sperm survive defrosting, they are apparently hardy and they then choose the best ones for ICSI. They will try for a fresh sample on my day of egg collection but if the sample is not great then they will go ahead and defrost a vial to use. The worry for us that if the count may be in decline or stay the same but wanted some frozen to be on the safe side.

We were pretty nervous which neither of us spoke about beforehand so the relief afterwards for us both was massive! Its only a small step in the process but definitely great to know we've jumped a major hurdle!

All the best!

[bigmac1984]

That's great news, good luck with the treatment, if we are lucky we will be doing the same things as you. I think the whole process is about small steps, everything takes so long so getting through things one step at a time is the only way to do it!

[Cinderella5 in reply to bigmac1984]

Yeah the waiting is driving me crazy but we're getting there slowly but surely. I see that you were looking for male buddies. I havent seen many guys on here but there is another good site....fertility friends which has a thread specifically to encourage guys....might be worth a look!

[bigmac1984]

Cool, thanks, yes I haven't seen any posts yet from men.... My wife is on fertility friends and we kind of agreed we'd both go on different ones to give each other some space! May sound mad but we are very close and we are going to couples counselling together so we figured we need independent outlets too!

[freemanboats003]

Hi,

Our Daughter was born on Christmas morning 2012 after 7 IVF cycles, the last being the worst response my wife ever had only producing 3 follocile s of which only 2 were viable.

When my Wife and I met 12 years ago she knew from our very first conversation that I couldn't have children (klinefelter's) and if we wanted a family we would have to adopt or use donor sperm. I also have 3 other hereditary diseases, 2 of them rare, ehlers danlos syndrome (severe pain 24x7), Hypersomnia (excessive daytime sleepiness), its related to narcolepsy and famlial hyper cholesterol (body can't clear cholesterol), mainly due to the severe pain we weren't allowed to adopt as I am classed as disabled as I have to manage severe pain, chronic fatigue, daily dislocations and frequent sleep attacks, where I fall asleep without warning for a few secs or minutes. So donor sperm was our only option and by a cruel twist of fate it turned out my Wife's fertility had deteriated so we had to have IVF.

Not once either when deciding to use donor sperm or during the fertility treatment, when my wife was pregnant, when my daughter was born or in the past 3 years have I ever had any doubts or struggled with our decision to use donor sperm, I've never had counselling about my infertility nor do I need any and this is why....

I was adopted and my adoptive parents were the best parents that any child could wish for, I knew my entire life that I was both loved very much and wanted, unfortunately my father died when I was in my late teens and my mum a decade later . From as long as I can remember I knew I was adopted and like most adopted kids I struggled to come to terms with the rejection from my birth family but they supported me throughout and eventually I came to terms with it, they encouraged me to get in contact with my birth parents but until 6 years ago I never felt the need too and it was only when it became a medical necessity that I did and I discovered my birth parents had more children and my birth father also had 2 children from a previous marriage.

I know first hand that it doesn't matter that I'm not biologically related to my daughter and it doesn't make me a better father. In addition to being adopted now I've learnt that I have ehlers danlos, being adopted meant I didn't get a diagnosis until I'd tracked down my birth mother, I wouldn't want to risk passing the horrific pain I have to deal with every day and have done since I was 11 years old so in a way fate has been good to me and these horrible diseases will stop with me.

We started talking to our daughter and reading the donor network UK's book to her 'my story' as I'd really like her to grow up like I did having always known about being a donor and not being told when she was 7yrs old and it becoming some big event, like my parents before me my wife and I are open and honest with friends, family and anyone that asks that she was conceived with donor sperm. The only person that's ever had a problem with it was my Wife's father and it was like his ego couldnt cope with it but then my wife had a terrible childhood, her father was controlling and very negative, she grew up with parents who gave their children conditional love and I've been horrified by some of the things she's told me, it didn't stop once she became an adult and her dad is as controlling as ever. He hates me as I stand up to his bullying and won't let him control me.

Since she was born they haven't been the best grandparents, they expect their grandchildren to entertain them and get bored after 5 mins.

I've looked after our Daughter full time so my wife could go back to work until she started preschool 2 days a week in January this year, I've loved every minute of it and its the most rewarding experience. I really miss her when she's at preschool. I loved her before she was even born and when I saw her for the first time I was overcome with love for this baby, being adopted I'm very reserved with my emotions.

My advice to other people considering using Donor sperm is do it and don't get hung up worrying about being biologically related it doesn't matter, what's important is that you fully support your wife, you love the child unconditionally and above all be honest with your friends, family and the child when they are born, anyone that keeps it a secret, it will affect the child growing up and I've read comments where people have said they never plan on telling the child that they were conceived using donor aperm then when the child does find out and they will at some point they are more likely to reject their parents for lying to them.

I have no doubt that my daughter will tell me I'm not her father at some point during her teenage years but I know that she won't mean it and its just something else to use if she lashes out like all teenagers do at some point. But no matter what happens she will always know that she is loved unconditionally and we will always support her.

I grew up to be an independent, very confident, highly motivated, high achiever because of the unconditional love and support my parents gave me and to me they will always be my real family. In contrast my Wife grew up with her biologically parents who belittled her and her 2 brothers in a very controlling environment where everyone was bullied by her father. My Wife was never once told by either parent that they were proud of her, she was always told she was lazy. All 3 children including my Wife have low self esteem and were suffering from depression by there early teens but weren't allowed to get help for fear that people would know.

Just proves that being a good parent has no relation to whether you are biologically related to your child or not.

I hope this helps anyone deciding whether to use donor sperm or not, I'm happy to talk or communicate with anyone that wants to ask me any questions or.my experience etc.

David

[Cinderella5 in reply to freemanboats003]

Thanks for sharing David, that was really powerful reading. We have had all the genetic testing so are very lucky to know that there is no genetic reason for fertility problems, just have to wait and see how the IVF journey goes now! All the best to you and your family!

[Sunshine1001 in reply to freemanboats003]

I'm really struggling with it but my husband is all for it. I think I would rather adopt than have a child that is only half mine. I want us to have same input to our child. I just don't get how he is ok with it?

[bigmac1984]

Thanks for sharing your story, it certainly sounds like u have been through a lot to have a child and it's great that things have worked out for u in the end.

[freemanboats003]

On a separate issue for the men with low testosterone etc. I have always had a lack of facial hair only needing to shave every few days but its never bothered me, I lack aggression but have always considered it a good thing otherwise I'm a normal man. But in recent years as I've got older I have grown breast tissue which I struggled to deal with until my daughter was born when I needed to get into the pool to take her swimming, prior to that I would always wear a top.

Forgive me if the following is too honest but after years of medical examinations and fertility treatment I doubt there is anything I could get embarrassed about although I did manage to embarrass a group of mums at our not group when I started talking about breast pumps

My testosterone levels have always been very low and almost zero at times although as I've always had a higher than normal libido its never been an issue until recently. I had my last test a few days ago so will know next week how they're doing.

Because I have taken high doses of very strong opiates for pain over the last decade or so and one of the little known side effects are that opiates also cause low testosterone and fertility problems.

I started having HRT in 2007 using gel but it was messy, I couldn't be anywhere near my partner in case it got on her skin and itbwasnt doing much to raise.my levels so in 2010 I started having injections every 8 weeks, since then my testosterone levels have gone up massively and a couple of weeks after an injection my testosterone levels are near the top of the normal range. Down side to this treatment is that I now resemble a werewolf growing hair in places I never thought possible!

I feel like I've gone from one extreme to another and now have to shave at least once a day sometimes twice.

My libido has gone through the roof and although I'm now 48yrs old I now have a libido much higher than most twenty something's which is causing me some real issues and can be quite painful at times eg. Last year I had a permanent erection for over a month and although that was a one off its not uncommon to go for 7-10 days. Whilst some people might think its great believe me its uncomfortable and painful.

I've considered stopping my HRT injections a few times but its beneficial for my fatigue levels.

Having low testosterone can have its drawbacks so its worth talking to your GP about HRT or getting a referral to an endocrinologist.

Due to my LA k if testosterone I was diagnosed with osteoporosis 8 years ago, luckily my diet and doing weight bearing exercise will help but an endocrinologist will arrange DEXA Bone scans and other tests to check bone density.

Male Breast cancer is another risk which is much higher in men with low testosterone so worth asking your partner yo show you how to check yourself.

Hope this helps,

David

[Helto200]

It's really great to hear similar stories to mine and my DH. My DH was diagnosed with low testosterone a few years ago now after having mumps and an operation on an undesended testicle when he was a kid. He started with the gel rub and is now having injections which helps a lot but ultimately means he has no sperm. He was actually only diagnosed because he went to get checked out when we were trying to conceive. So a blessing in disguise there. He really wasn't well and on the outside looked like he was depressed. It's a hard situation to be in but even though the hopeful baby won't be biological my DHs, he will be all the father it needs. My DH has a biological father that wasn't around and a stepdad that raised him, so biology means nothing. Xx

[Georgya]

Hi! We used donors as well. The reason is because my husband doesn't have any sperm. It was very emotional this journey for me. The saddest part it is that  both our Nhs funded Icsi cycles failed. Because I found it very hard to find a donor to have close  characteristics with my husband I change the donor second time. Still didn't work. Even worst result on second cycle. I think it was very hard for my mind to accept the donor  idea even I knew this is the only chance for us. 

Goodluck with all the process! I know it is hard but there myght be a chance! Xx

[Sunshine1001 in reply to Georgya]

Thank you for sharing. I'm struggling with the wait for IVF and feeling the pressure. I'm sorry to hear your cycles did not work. Lots of love xx