What a week

[SuzanneAM]

Finally got my appointment through for Miscarriage clinic , 15th October. I’m happy that I’ve finally got an appointment because I know there is up to a 6-8 week wait to get the results back. I’m anxious in case they find something wrong and anxious that I might not be able to try my 3rd attempt of IVF before Christmas which is the goal I have set. But I know that it is good that I have the opportunity to go to this clinic to find out if there is anything abnormal.

It has been 2 months since I miscarried, at the beginning of this week I was really down not knowing why at this point and then one morning I just broke down crying in front of my husband to a point where I could not breathe, and it finally all came out, that I have been blaming myself for the miscarriage, that I must of done something wrong. I found myself apologizing to my husband that the baby didn’t want to stay inside me, that I must have done something wrong and I am sorry that I am costing us money to have a baby because I’m the reason we can’t conceive naturally. After all this was shared I felt a lot better and realized I must have had all this emotion built inside me keeping it to myself and it is finally all out. My husband and I have now came out of this stronger and we know it will happen one day, we just need to be patient, which is difficult to do, especially when there is friends around me having babies and trying to get pregnant. I think what males don’t realize sometimes is that the female also goes through the physical emotions as well, we put our bodies through so much trying to get pregnant and so much if it doesn’t work (medical miscarriage). Staying strong, so first step is the appointment next week xx

[Hopeful1982]

Hello SuzanneAM,

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I think how you've been feeling is perfectly normal. So many women I know blame themselves when they miscarry but it is simply not the case. It will not have been your fault. Although incredibly sad, it's more likely that there was something wrong with the baby's development and that's why you had a miscarriage. Also, just because you've had one doesn't mean the same thing will happen again. So many women who have miscarriages go on to have healthy pregnancies, it's just that most of them didn't have the pain we've all experienced just to get pregnant in the first place!!!

It's true that women go through so much more both physically and emotionally than men. When we were going through treatment my hubby was always delighted when he was asked to produce a sample 😂 I think he always felt like I was the one being poked and prodded and was glad when he could actually do something to help!

I hope your appointment goes well on the 15th. Take care x

[Tlove]

Hi SuzanneAM,

So sorry to hear about your loss. Miscarriage is one of the toughest things to go through, I've had 3 after conceiving naturally and they investigated after the second one. My first was in 2013 and my other 2 were in 2014. In my case they did find that I have anti phospholipid syndrome which can cause blood clots and early miscarriage. I was put on heparin and aspirin for my third pregnancy but sadly it didn't work. In a lot of cases, they will not find the reason for a miscarriage, so you might not get the answers you are looking for. Miscarriages are also incredibly common but people do not talk openly about them. When you start telling people, you find out just how many people have gone through it. Even Mark Zuckerberg's wife has had 3 and she is now successfully pregnant. Instead we hold it in and it bubbles up occasionally like it did for you with your husband. I found counselling helpful and calling the miscarriage association also as this helpline is manned by people who have gone through it. I assume there is a UK equivalent to this organisation (I am in Ireland). Also, it doesn't matter how recently you had the miscarriage, little things can trigger the feelings again even a year or 2 down the road. It's all normal and please don't blame yourself. I questioned everything I did as well but the reality is you have no control over the consequences, unfortunately.

And yes, you will see baby bumps everywhere! You probably wouldn't have noticed or cared before but I also seem to hear announcements on a regular basis, with some of them due in and around when I would have been. And some of them from people that you didn't even expect to want kids. All of a sudden, every magazine you read will have baby announcements too. It all seems so unfair and difficult to try and feel happy for these women.

But life goes on around us and with the help and support of your husband, I promise you will get through it. I'm now in the situation where we are going for our first IVF cycle and I'm a bundle of nerves, knowing my past history with miscarriages. It's taken us almost 4 years of trying at this stage.

I would recommend counselling - both my husband and I went to separate counsellors and it helped to deal with the difficult situation. I'm continuing to go now with the IVF on the way. Just yesterday, I ended up in tears with her over my miscarriages again and this is a year later but it's just good to let it all out! I also went to an annual remembrance service last year that was organised by the hospital for those who lost babies, this was a really nice thing to do. My due date for one of the babies would have been in Jan, so we planted snowdrops as a way to remember. Maybe there is something like this you can do, just as a mark of recognition.

I wish you best of luck and hope you can get some good information from the pregnancy loss clinic. Make sure you write all your questions down before you go in there and ask, ask, ask.