The FASD Trust
812 members612 posts

Me again - sorry

As our daughter has grown over the last year, thankfully the frequent tantrums have reduced . I am sure that is age related rather than anything else.

However, what we are now left with is far less frequent but far more explosive tantrums. A good example this week was a neighbour very kindly invited my husband and daughter over so that she could turn out a jigsaw for her. All went well and N was more than happy having a look around the house and chatting to our neighbour. the jigsaw in question was handed over and she said "thank you" so my husband was very proud of her. They were then leaving and then N suddenly said "I don't want it. Give it back" DH explained that you don't do that with a gift (and certainly not in front of neighbour) - he was very embarrassed. That resulted in a real kicking and screaming tantrum out in the street and continued back home. Lots of tears, yelling, door slamming etc. I got in from work to find it calmer but clearly not right. Anyway, long story so apologies but

Is this still likely to be her age rather than condition related? It was in the same week as going back to preschool where her behaviour tends to worsen as she gets used to being back in their routine.

i sat her down and explained why what she did was wrong and made her "write" a thank you card and take it over. But how much of the message got through, I have no idea. She did tell me that "daddy started it"..... funnily enough, I believe it to be the other way round.


5 Replies

Please do not apologise - whole point of this site is to ask questions....

Too much information for your daughter; probably not taken on board what you said afterwards - but no harm in trying. Problem was a "transition" a leaving one activity and going into another setting. These kids also do not understand ownership and she sounds like she is tired and overloaded anyway - all sorts of stuff can trigger them off. Why not call The FASD Trust officce on Tuesday of next week on 01608 811599 and ask for Sue or Julia


Hi, yes please don't apologise ! I am pretty sure this is what many of us encounter quite regularly, at least we do. It can be triggered by so many different things.

last week, we were at our local swimming pool. our son follows a specific routine on way out of pool, walks so far along the poolside with hubbie,then jumps back in to deep end, swims to steps and gets out. I was with him and kept his hand into changing room and shower, then the I added insult to injury by using my shampoo to wash his hair (it is white and he will only use clear). He completely lst control and thumped the shower door, screamed very loudly and hurled abuse at me. Eventually after some safe time out and calming strategies, he recovered. Everyone in the changing area I am sure thought I just had one very naughty spoilt brat.

yesterday and again today for two entirely different reasons we had huge meltdown.

Yesterday I said to my son that, when we went to the shop I would look at pirate bedding(getting room decorated) the same as seen on internet and if he liked it then we would buy it. I explained this well or so i thought. So we went to shop and they didn't have the bedding and he appeared non plussed. At the checkout he suddenly threw an almighty tantrum saying "what about my bed" (he is also getting a pirate bed and it was explained where this was coming from and when. there were beds in the shop but no pirate ones) I added to his meltdown by commenting to himthat he had misunderstood me. It took another hour or so before he remotely calmed down.

Today, we were getting our caravan ready for holiday, which he is excited about. After not getting what he wanted, he once again got into such a rage that he scared himself.

On all occasions, he did not get what he wanted but the meltdowns arrive on the back of other stresses. At the swimming pool ........ transition and sensory issues with a variation from his normal routine. yesterday ............. too much information for a bright child with a language processing difficulty, coupled with stimulation of shop. Today........the anticipation and excitement of holiday and the changes this brings was too much for him to handle. This also contributed to the other two.

He is nearly 7. The difference is it is harder to physically manage as he has got older. detective work and more planning, preparation and creative ways are called for. Knowing this helps but we are only human and its sometimes only after the event upon reflection does the penny drop. it is such a frequent occurrence that I no longer become embarrassed.


Hi. Thanks for your answers. Maclean, you mention your coping strategies, what sort of things work for you? We vary from giving her advance warning on some stuff, but leaving others until last minute depending on what it is. Depends on how much we think it's going to freak her out really. if we catch an episode quickly enough, "red light" will generally stop her before she really loses it. Quite often if we ask her why she got so upset/angry, she will often have no idea and will have forgotten by then. When she realises this, we can generally turn her mood around. Ho hum. Every day is a learning experience.


Hi, like Love2nag, too much advanced warning results in more meltdown but surprises really don't go down well either. Simplicity is definitely helpful. Strict routine, structure and can't stress enough, absolute consistency, I have found essential as he has got older. When things are going extremely well, we have paid the price of relaxing on this. For discipline in general, we use the nurtured heart approach by Howard Glasser. It is more for school age children and up but can be adapted for all ages. We have adapted it to combine it with 123 magic. The visual warnings of putting fingers up works well due to language processing difficulty(not obvious to most). We try hard not to ask why he did or did not do something as he often genuinely does not know. School was an absolute disaster so we now homeschool and life is SO much better for us all. We too are still learning and life is still challenging at times. Our lifes are pretty much dominated by FAS! Overall, we wish we could turn the clock back and not have tried to make our son fit the environment like non fas children and followed our gut instincts rather than being persuaded by well meaning professionals. For a positive read and filled with proven strategies is "Our FAScinating Journey" by Jodee Kulp. This book was of immense help to us. It is through observing your child and the "mistakes" you make that also helps you find what works and doesn't for you and your family. Good luck!


We do not give our daughter much advance warning as the waiting increases the likelihood of a meltdown.also choices are limited to two and I very rarely take her shopping as she gets over stimulated.It is a way of life for the whole family,even meals out are limited to garden pubs whatever the weather.keeping everything as simple as possible works and colour cards relating to moods that she shows to me after school so that I don't bombard her with questions .we are constantly learning .Good luck


You may also like...