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The FASD Trust
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My son told his teacher I hit him round the head. I am shocked and devastated.

Hi,

Not sure if writing this for help or a general off load as shocked and tearful.

I legal guardian to a four year old who is incredibly wonderful but incredibly hard work. He has never had an official diagnosis only a suspected fasd as i have been told Dr and p eadiatrics can't diagnose even though he has classic signs and written evidence of his birth mother drinking 140 units a week.

He is in mainstream reception class and this morning his teacher told me he said I had hit him round the head yesterday and she was going to file a report but needed to speak to me first.

I actually laughed in shock but am getting very stressed and worried about it. I did say that he can tell tales as he accused me of pushing him into a nettle bush at the weekend when he tripped up. She questioned if early help had been in touch as the Dr requested it and i advised school of this and the teacher said she woyld obviously need to write a report and pass it on regarding my son's accusations and also suggested she put in a early help notification. She also asked if any problems at home early last week as my son has been playing up at school and bitten a child and kicked another. I advised that this time of year sets his behaviours off and he struggles to cope so we down play Christmas and i got a flippant all children get hyped.

I am at a loss and devastated plus worried what is going to happen.

I know that take telling is a part of fasd but assumed it would start when older and naively thought my child is so honest he wouldn't do this.

Any help as feel at a loss and put of my depth. I do have my own health problemsand waiting for ops so feel less able to cope for anyone out there thinking "your worried about THIS?"

13 Replies
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Hi Val I cannot see your reply could you pls resend it. Thanks x

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Hello,

Please try not to worry too much about this, I recognise this type of behaviour already with FASD and my son is only 3. He has at points said different people have hit him etc when this is clearly not the case. I think it's to do with the confusion and lack of comprehension around agency, who is doing what to whom and sensory needs etc etc. As a community of parents we need to be strong in getting the message across very clearly that this is behaviour resulting from FASD. In a rush now to go to son's nativity - hmm wonder how that will go! / but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

All the best

Anna

Reply

Hello

We would like to reitarate what Anna has already replied . Yes we agree that we all have a duty of care to keep all children safe , but this is were as parents of FASD children this differs, due to the lying.

In our case we were reported to SS due to the fact our adopted son told the school some great whoppers! What we found that although we had gave the school all the necessary information , they hadn't and still haven't engaged with any literature.

We really got engaged with the FASD and our local MP, with a view to educate and raise the awareness of FASD. You can get through this, please remember that education is the most powerful tool in the world. Educate them, join a FASD group locally , please ring the FASD trust and see how else they can support you and your family.

Regards Dave

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Thankyou so much Dave. I have them a booklet regarding FASD from the trust targeted for teachers and have emailed Senco the overlapping behaviour charts and dates of fasd/teetcacher training held by fasd trust. But as you said, how much of it is actually processed and how much is filed in a drawer unread.

I fully understand the duty of care and need to be awareof potential abuse and maybe this is what is scaring me.

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Thank you so much. FASD is sadly not recognised or supported enough in schools. When veiwing schools for my child shockingly a majority hadn't heard of FASD.

Hope your son's nativity goes well 😊

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FAS children often confabulate that is they make up stories to fill in the gaps in their memory. These aren't lies they genuinely believe that what they say is true. My daughter is 8 and will often do this even when I have been with her and know what happened. At times it's like living in a parallel universe. I agree with both previous replies educating teachers, friends any one who will listen about FASD is the only way forward. As a country with high rates of teenage pregnancies coupled with binge drinking we are very ignorant of this wholly preventable disorder.

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Hi,

Understand where you are coming from with this. Our FASD diagnosed daughter (11) has done this many times over the years. Her school is amazing and very supportive of the whole family; problem being that they are obliged to report it. We hit rock bottom when, because of the tales she was telling at school, CPS were called in. I had a text one Thursday from Social Services telling me to pack her a bag as they were going to place her in emergency foster care (because "my dad is hurting me"). Long story short, we refused to let them take her away. Consequence of this was that next day at school she was interviewed by police and social work (who confirmed there was no case to answer as she didn't tell tales to the police). I understand it's devastating but we have learnt to detach ourselves emotionally from situations such as these (spent too many hours crying my eyes out with head teachers). We are good parents, you are a good parent and we need to ensure a greater understanding of what FASD means and the behaviours that can result. I always try (when appropriate) to make sure those working with our daughter understand that she may say such things.

Reply

Hi Sairsroo

Well said ! We are great parents! We are picking up the pieces from what damage birth mum by drinking during her pregnancy.

I have quite a lot of information that we have gathered , and if anybody wants or needs anything that we can help with. Please drop me a private message with your email details.

I can also recommend buying the book parenting a child with FASD a hidden Disability by Juila brown of the FASD trust, we bought a couple and gave one to the senco teacher. It is questionable if she has actually read it though!

Regards Dave

Reply

First of all, as many people have said, lots of folk experience this situation. Be brave, you are not on your own.

Can we suggest you get an appointment to see your GP and talk to them - they can support you as well as your child. Query with the GP why the medics won't give a firm diagnosis, as there is nothing stopping them by the sounds of it, and ask the GP if they can consider referring you to someone else to get a firm diagnosis; you have the right for a second opinion. See what your GP thinks.

When you see your GP, explain to them that the main reason you need a firm diagnosis is that it will help getting your child's needs recognised and appropriate support in school.

Secondly, re school, get an appointment with the Head Teacher and the SENCO (special educational needs co-ordinator) and talk to them about what additional help your child is getting and what extra support they will be putting in place. It might be worthwhile saying to school please can we have a formal meeting in January but you might want to pop your head around the door of the headteacher and have an informal chat.

In school, your child will probably need an EHCP, education health and care plan, and so when you see the head, explain to them that your child is not badly behaved but has disabilities and will need additional help.

Drop an email to Karen at info@fasdineducation.co.uk and give her your name and address and ask her to send you details of the next nearest teacher training day and tell you how to get a copy of the Teacher Guide we have.

If you have a copy of the book by Julia Brown and Dr Mary Mather, take that into school and give it to the class teacher as a gift from you to explain to her your child better! You can order it from here - amazon.co.uk/Foetal-Alcohol...

School and yourself might also find this APP helpful - apps.anspear.com/page/my_na...

And, as everyone said, including yourself - it is that time of year again and loads of our kids don't cope! But do have a lovely Christmas.

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HI My eldest did a very similar thing when he was 5, he was upset at being told off at home so went into school and told them we had hurt him. The school rang social services who took him to the hospital to be checked over, the police were called and my husband arrested. At the hospital he was examined by a doctor and they took pictures of 'marks on his chest', except they weren't marks they were where he had drawn on himself in felt tip, they questioned a suspected burn mark on his leg, which was in fact a birth mark he has always had and in actual fact 3 of his siblings all have the same mark but in different places. It culminated in them trying to prosecute us, mainly on the word of the school who didn't seem to like us. It was a harrowing time for us the only positive was that we received a diagnosis of FASD for him and we decided to not only move schools but area as well and we were lucky enough to find a much better school who were willing to find out as much as they could about FASD and do everything in their power to help him. He's now 15 and just sat his mocks in preparation for his GCSE's in spring. Its been a very hard road and there have been some big up's & downs but it has been worth it. My only recommendation is if the school do file a record and social services do get involved hire a family solicitor to make sure you don't get railroaded by social services. Good luck.

Reply

Hi there,

First of all, don't worry.

Instead take action by going to the GP today and requesting (telling not asking) a FASD assessment for your child. Take along with you the confirmation of pre natal alcohol abuse (you must pursue this as there is no reason for your child not to seek a diagnosis with a confirmed background of pre natal alcohol abuse!) then speak to the SENCO and Head Teacher and tell them politely that if they truly believe this is a case where they need to file a report, then you want attached to that report an overview of your situation (one page) ie that you are the legal guardian for this child who is currently awaiting a diagnosis of FASD, that children with FASD are prone to confabulation (as are 4 yr olds in general!) and that you as the legal guardian are trying to get your child's needs met.

Also state in this overview, that you are formally requesting from the school for an application for an EHCP for your child. Tell the SENCO that you also want attached to the report formal confirmation of the support they have put in place to help your child, who clearly has additional needs. You might find at this point they decide to review the situation, if they don't then you still have all the attachments to the report explaining your position and your child's needs. Also attach FASD Trust leaflets to the report.

State that you want to see a copy of the report before it is sent out, to check that they have included all the information that you asked them too.

Maintain good relations throughout this process, as best to have their support when applying for EHCP.

I hope this helps.

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We had similar when my son was with the childminder. He told her that mummy hit daddy. She was very open with us and stated she had to check it out. We have now decided to share this with the school so we can be as open as possible and do expect a safeguarding alert at some point due to his tall tales. We have told them to be open and raise any alerts. I would rather have an investigation (however distressing) than one day folk dismiss something that he says that is true. I am fortunate that I have a very good and open relationship with social services (post adoption team) so they do have a picture of our situation before any tales are told. The teachers were also very grateful as they also realised that they could also be the topic of the tall tales one day too.

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I have similar problems with my son accusing me of harming him and threatening to tell/report me especially when he is not getting his way or trying to manipulate me. Because we currently have an post adoption SW involved with us I tell her so she can document it so that if he does say something at school or elsewhere it will hopefully help me to get people to understand it is not true. It is scary and upsetting to have a child saying such untrue things about me. I feel very vulnerable as adopted as a single parent so no one else to verify what's being said. The SW recently concluded that I am suffering secondary trauma because of the impact of my sons behaviour etc on me.

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