Post hysterectomy and dating...when to me... - Endometriosis UK

Endometriosis UK
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Post hysterectomy and dating...when to mention that Ive had this done and why.

NH88
NH88

Hi Everyone.

Firstly let me just say that I had the total hysterectomy and oopherectomy done over a year ago privately and so I am not suggesting that I wasnt aware of the possibility that it could cause some questions about my actions.

I am happy I chose this way. I do not refret my decision and now at 29 having had this done just after turning 28 I feel my life has become so much better. It was a personal decision based on my individual medical history, family history and personal circumstances.

I am aware of the shock my decision could give others as well as the fact that as I have no children and have had the oopherectomy I will be in no position to have biological children of my own. For many i am sure my decision would be a great disappointment regarding this matter alone.

I am however blessed with a wonderful family and good close friends. I am surrounded by children in both my nieces and my best friends children. Although it may sound harsh to others (it is not ment to be) a child being biologically my own has never been of great importance. If i decide to have children, fostering and/or adoption is available.

What I am asking is this....If I were to start dating someone at what point should this subject be broached?

It would be rather offputting to throw this at someone the first time you go on a date i would imagine....with the other believing that I was some insane woman trying to dig my claws in before anything had started.

However i dont believe in not telling someone something this important if they had ideas for a future i couldnt give them.

So what do you think?

Your advise or thoughts please.

This is more of a musing as I am not currently looking to date atm.

Xx

23 Replies
oldestnewest

I would probably tell then when you really trust them and been going for a while etc. Xx

NH88
NH88 in reply to princessk09

Thank you for responding.

I agree with the when you trust them part....but what im a little concerned about is the time period part...I would hate to date someone with this knowledge of myself, knowing they know nothing about it and them possibly having thoughts of having family etc and me not knowing this.

I dont want to waste someones time. As time is precious.

princessk09
princessk09 in reply to NH88

It’s kinda hard because timing can be difficult especially when dating. Like when is it too soon to mention things. Maybe after a few dates, if you think things are going well then just ask their views on kids and you decide whether to tell them what’s happened or not xx

NH88
NH88 in reply to princessk09

This was kinda what i was thinking...I guess Im just worried about what reaction I would get...I would hate to get a

"why didnt you tell me this at the very beginning. you've been wasting my time!"

I would feel awkward enough having to try to explain in the 1st instance.

Your body. Your choice. If the topic of children comes up on the 1st date - tell them.

Otherwise - around the 4th or 5th date - when you get to the stage of properly fancying them. That'd be my suggestion as if it's a deal breaker for them then you'd probably rather want to know before you become more serious 😊

NH88
NH88 in reply to SMCG03

Thank you.

This is all very true. Ive not really dated before so am unsure of the "rules" and i guess i feel that my decision (not regret) has possibly made this a bit more of a maneuvering challenge.

I dont even think I can get my head around the possibility of sex....that seems like a minefield. 😕😓

(Lets just say I have to be in a relationship for a while beforehand and ive only been in 3 and only been close to 1 enough for this...and it was not successful. 🙁 I will not bore you with what happened....lets just leave it with me feeling trepidation for another relationship and that was before the whole hysterectomy.)

SMCG03
SMCG03 in reply to NH88

You don't need to tell them everything but maybe tell them something small and subtle to get the main point accross before you let yourself fall for them. If they're ok with the snippet of info then carry on dating and tell them the rest when you're more serious. If they are not ok with the subtle hint - then theyre not the one and you stop dating before serious feelings are involved.

Dating is the best part of finding a relationship. You can be whoever you want and if they don't like it then tough!

I am an open book with most* things so I would be telling them early on. Theres no issue you telling them later on - I would just suggest before sex and before it gets serious so that you don't get hurt should they have an issue which in this day and age - why would anyone? You had your reasons, its your body and there are plenty of children out there without a home, or there is surrogacy, should you decide on children - tell anyone who is offended by your decision to politely get lost xx

NH88
NH88 in reply to SMCG03

Thank you. I feel little easier knowing that my decision isnt being judged negatively.

I would prefer to be open at the start...its just that sometimes people think that this kinda infomation is a bit much at the beginning.

I would never not tell someone before it got too serious. Although i am a modest woman i can safely say my personality is such that i could never consider consealing something so important to make myself happy.

X

SMCG03
SMCG03 in reply to NH88

If they got good vibes then you can say a little without saying a lot at the very beginning! I have always made my partner know from the beginning that I've got woman related health issues - because if it scared him away then he was never going to be right for me. Like you say - you can't conceal. X

NH88
NH88 in reply to SMCG03

I agree. Consealing something like this is not good for either yourself or the other person.

Thankyou for your honesty and encouragement.

x

Tough question. It requires to be decided on the basis of situation and the person who you date. Each individual is unique so its not a one size fits all in such matters. I would just drop few hints in initial days, especially if sex is involved it is very possible. Can also be mentioned in an obtuse manner by linking with a certain behaviour. For example, since I lost my ovaries am unable to handle soya intake. Its simply packaging. Love yourself. Be happy with your decision, if the person loves you it won't matter. If it does you are better off without them.

NH88
NH88 in reply to PCollind

I never thought about dropping hints...as a way of them having control to ask future. Its an interesting point.

I totally agree with you that everyone is individual and so there isnt a set way of going about this conversation...I guess thats one of the reasons im asking you all what you all think and how you would go about it. The more opinions and suggestions there are the easier it is to understand how someone would react and how i should proceed.

Thabk you so much x

Your decision was entirely yours to make so be proud that you are in a better state of existence now than pre op! I have just had that surgery done too and I am delighted as my pathology showed a rare finding which can manifest as an even more rare form of cancer.

Anyone who is interested in YOU will love you firstly, children will be secondary to the love you share together. I don't thibk you need to mention it until a relationship takes a serious turn. Indeed if he brings the subject up you can explain to him.

If you getting serious and the subject has not arisen then you can plan to tell him in your own words.

I feel that if you are getting serious you do need to mention it to him as to some people Conti using their genetics on and having a blood line is very important to them. I was like you and was not of that thinking, then I met my husband and it was him who asked me was I open to considering having his children. It's was more important to him than I.

Good luck.

Helly.

NH88
NH88 in reply to HellyLlewelly

Wow so the op not only helped one thing but showed up something that could have been missed and cause you very big problems. You are a brave lady!

I am proud that i made the decision myself and sort the strength to see it through despite the road blocks placed infront of me. I had thought about it often through the years and so as an option it wasnt scary...infact it was a slight relief.

I would always hope that someone would love me for myself and not what i can "bring to the table". Im not a very confident woman in this area though in others I am. I have often been told that in work I am different than in personal social situations. I guess in work it is structured....there are rules and so its easy to follow. Personal social functions feel uneasy...i am worried i will do or say the wrong thing. Hence how i was wondering how bringing up something like this would be done...so as it wouldnt seem weird.

I am always looking to ensure that any partner i have is comfortable and happy in a relationship with me...but i wouldnt want them to be under a faulsehood or feel beholden. I want someone who will be honest with me.

I guess as it I have been bombarded by suggestions (not through my family or close friends) that being in a relationship means wanting children i find myself unsure as to if I could find someone who is not bothered if they couldnt have any.

I feel encouraged by you and others here that my question is a valid one.

Thank you x

Hello, this is a really good question. I am in a similar situation, just waiting for my hysterectomy op now. Doesn't endo etc put us in some difficult situations?

I agree with the other replies on here and just wante to say all the very best xxxx

NH88
NH88 in reply to Curly22

Thank you.

I posted this on here as i couldnt gind anything similar, and i thought that (although I am a bit strange lol) i cant be the only person who has gone through this as a single lady and isnt sure how to go about dating afterwards.

Dating seems like a minefield as it is without the complicated added endo factor.

Good luck with your op. If you wana talk bout any of it feel free to message me. No matter at what stage.

Curly22
Curly22 in reply to NH88

Thank you very much. I'm sure we're not the only ones as I'm single too. Can I ask you something? Over the last 2 years I've had terrible migraines, once fainted in a shop & had to be taken to a &e! I just wondered whether you experienced similar symptoms & whether these sorts of things settled once you'd had the hysterectomy too? I did ask my consultant but was told migraines aren't gynaecological even though it only happens on my period?!!

NH88
NH88 in reply to Curly22

I did suffer from migraines and they were around that very time period although my gp didnt see the connection.

I would feel very sick with them and even had a mild aversion to daylight. I would have o go into a dark room and or sleep it off.

Migraines were one of the more easier side effects from my periods. But none the less they did happen. Wheither it was from the tension and stress the body was under both physically and mentally i couldnt say but it prob aided in them.

I have had some after the op but none in regularity and it is more the fact that as im on a computer screen all day in work and under bright lighting...if i dont wear my glasses (there is no perscription in them btw they have a special blue protect coating which aids in screen use and bright lights...white appears creamier so less glare) i regret it.

It may be worth going to the opticians aswell. Are you taking any hormone medication....like contraception pills? I was tri cycling microgynam 30 and it caused some issues.

Opticians can actually see more about you than just your eyesight. Id have a word with one, especially if it makes you pass out. In wales they have a WECS scheme which is a medical check for eyes at registered opticians so its free to have it checked out.

I can happily say that for me having the op has made me so much happier. I have no need to worry about the effects endo had on me every month.

However i would ike o note that although i no longer have endo that i was an endo sufferer and as such although i no longer have the condition I will never be completely free of it in terms of thought.

Hugs to you.

Keep your head up.

Contact me at any time for anything. Whenever you like.

Xx

Hi I’m in the same position as you, I’ve not been on a date since my op but have thought about this question a lot. Everyone is different but for me I’m going to tell them at the beginning then I can totally be myself and if he does a runner then he’s not for me but if he does stick around then he’ll like me for who I really am. I couldn’t let someone build a picture of our future in their head if they don’t know what they’re getting if that makes sense, but like I say everyone’s different. X

NH88
NH88 in reply to Annointed1

Thats exactly how I feel! I too couldn't allow someone to build up any picture of a future with me that i would be unable to give.

Thats why I feel that although I would just like to "put it out there" Im not sure it would be appropriate...as I couldn't see what the other is thinking and so could be seen as "jumping the gun".

I wouldnt want someone to think thats all im thinking of...but equally I dont want them not having enough information to decide on what should happen next...

I wouldnt want to waste their time if it was a deal breaker...or my time if I like them but it wouldnt go anywhere.

*sigh* If only i was a telephath lol....then again maybe thats a bad idea im not sure id want to know everything someone was thinking. 😆😅

Thank you for making me feel im not alone in my thoughts. X

Hiya

I worried about the same thing when to tell a potential partner about my endo and other gynae issues. A few years back it was my ex who said my stomach didn't feel right and insisted I go to the Drs to get it checked out that was back in 2013 with massive cysts and endo. I told my recent ex back in the summer as were were getting intimate and told him I was worried it would hurt because I had bad period pain all the time, luckily he was understanding and did research on it. Told him more about it and even gave him the option to end things..! We didn't then but then that was before he turned into a prat end of last year.

I'm now ready to date again if I can find someone decent so many freaks out there online! But seriously I wondered the same and have decided if I meet someone special when it feels right I'll tell him, if he runs for the hills then not meant to be if he wants children I'll explain I can't conceive naturally and take it from there. On my dating profile I've out undecided/open in regards to children.

You made the best decision for you, talk about it when you're ready.

All the best to you you made thirst decision for you, don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. And just take a deep breath in social situations, never know who you might meet!

NH88
NH88 in reply to Cheetara79

Thank you.

Its so encouraging to meet people like you on here that are open to telling me about their experiences.

Your ex has missed out. I hope you find a loverly man next time that will love you like you deserve.

I do find social situations unnerving. I get super nervous going out anywhere...and meeting new people can make me feel rather sick with nerves. But i will take that breathyou suggested. Although im not looking atm it would be nice to be able to be less of a social scaredy cat. The hysterectomy has made it so i have a quality of life i have never experienced before...maybe bit by bit it will set me free in more ways than it has already.

Thank you for your support. X

Lou_EndoUk
Lou_EndoUkModerator

I very much wanted to have children. I was married to a long term partner and was trying for children when I was diagnosed. My relationship with my husband fell apart due to the pressure of the severity of my sickness. I was a shell tbh. He was very unsupportive and when I was better I couldn't forgive it. My marriage just fell apart.

I am in a new relationship now, he already has a child and I got chatting to him on social media. I was very open with him about the fact that I had been very sick, I had the operation and am a lot better now. Still some remanents like fatigue and mind fog.

He is very supportive and at the start we talked a lot about not having children and how he felt about it. I think it all depends on the person and the type of relationship you have, it's all about trust and openness in a new relationship. I think you have to do what is right for you and the person you are with rather than a hard and fast rule of when to discuss it.

Lx

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