Feeling so lost :(

Hi, I hope everyone is feeling ok today :)

Sorry if this ends up being a long post but I am feeling so lost and desperate. I was diagnosed with endo a couple of years ago, although I have been suffering for as long as I can remember.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, living together for the majority of that and I am so worried that we will struggle to have children. My boyfriend has been fobbing me off with not being ready for about 5 years now, constantly moving the goal posts as to why. Every reason he gives me (not enough money, not in secure jobs, not in the right house etc) I have tackled but he then just finds another excuse. I will soon be turning 31 and feel like I am running out of time. I have given him every chance to be open with me about what is stopping him, I have explained to him that if it was because he wasn't sure about us that I would understand so we could both move on in the directions we want to go. He assure me that this isn't the reason and he wants to us have children one day. I have ran out of ways to tell him how important this is to me now though.

I have had one lap, due another very soon. I have done 6 months of Prostap, many years of pain and I just don't understand why I keep having to go through all of this just because he isn't quite ready. I don't understand why he is letting this happen. It is obvious he wants children one day and I am so worried that I won't be able to give him this when he is ready.

We have this conversation about twice a year and we just go around in circles. If we eventually decide that we can't agree, where does that leave me? 31, single and potentially unable to conceive. It has got to the point now where I can feel him rolling his eyes in his head any time I bring it up so I have just stopped mentioning it cos it is so hard to face and he makes me feel like I am just being silly.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with their partner? I have an appointment with my consultant on Wednesday and have told my boyfriend that this time I am going to explain to him the situation and that I need to ask the consultant what my options would be if I were single. This didn't seem to bother him. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

We are the best of friends, he is loving and caring and every other part of our relationship is as close to perfect as can be. I don't want this to end us but I am starting to resent him so badly. It is having such an impact on my mental health - I have never suffered with depression previously, I am a generally happy person but this is driving me into the ground. It's getting to the point where it is all I can think about.

I don't want to get to 35+ to discover that we struggle to conceive - it's just not a risk I am willing to take.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to let it out as I no longer I feel it is something I can discuss with him xx

24 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Eight years is a long time. You need to have a proper heart to heart, but would you be ready to walk away?

  • Neither of us are ready to walk away, that's how we've ended up here. We discuss it and get to the point where the only option we are left with is to split up, so we change the subject and move on. But I resent him more and more every day. I resent him every time he says no with no good reason, I resent him every time someone close to us falls pregnant, or when I see people with babies. I am so frustrated with this whole situation, it's taking over my life.

  • Hi Andi it's george. Just know that so many of us here appreciate what you're going through and we are here to talk to. Hang in there just one more day until your appointment, and hopefully you'll get some answers to those questions you've been thinking about.

    I hear you're really low today hun, have you tried giving these guys a call before 0808 808 2227 or look at their website endometriosis-uk.org/ it might have some info that can answer some of the questions or give you more questions to ask tomorrow.

  • Hi George, thanks for relying. I am trying so hard to get through this, just some days I feel like it's winning. I've been super emotional the last few days, I assume that's the Prostap wearing off?!

    I haven't tried speaking to them but I will give them a call today. I hadn't thought of that before so thank you. And thank you for your continued support ❤️

  • The prostap will most likely be playing some part in how your feeling at the moment, it might be worth mentioning this tomorrow.

  • This could have been written by me! In my opinion (now with the ability to look back a little) my OH was just not ready for the change to his life it was nothing to do with him not wanting children with me or not caring about my feelings he honesty dosn't think like that. My oh as much as I love him and he is an amazing person can be quiet selfish in how he thinks, its like he dosn't have the ability to think of more than how something will affect him. I think alot of men are like that (sorry to generalise) I cant tell you exactly what happened to change his mind except he started to see that I was really running out of time (I made him read about it and see my firtility was being affected) I have had 5 laps over 5 years and when I went for the 4th we knew there would be a fith so I told him that was it he had the time between the 4th and 5th to decide if he was ready then after the 5th we would try if he wasn't ready then that was it time up and I would have to look at more drastic measures as I couldn't keep putting my body through this waiting for something that might never happen. it was a scary altermatum for me as it would have meant I would never have children but I decided and had told him I would choose him and no children over children and no him so it was his choice. It could have all blown up in my face and I knew and made piece with that. He came around and after my 5th lap we started trying, had fertility tests both of us and have an ivf appointment for next month as it wasn't happening. Then out of the blue when I had given up all hope I had a positive pregnancy test! I am now 14 weeks pregnant. My OH did not take the news well, (even though he is very aware we were trying we had the tests been to see the docs and were timing BD etc) he has now come around and is starting to except it and I am hopping by the time of the next scan he may even be happy. I will be 33 next month and we have been together since I was 16 so its not a case of he doesn't love me or is not committed I honestly think he is just very scared. But again I think its jut the reality of his whole world changing now! Its scary. I think men don't have the biological clock we have so for them as 20 or 30 they are like whats the rush? We have the rush not them. Sorry to ramble on I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this! I hope he starts to see things from your side soon! xx

  • Congratulations on your baby, that's such good news after everything.

    It's such a shame your partner isn't yet happy and didn't take it well as he knew you were trying though.

  • Aw I'm so happy for you that you're pregnant! Huge congratulations!! I'm sorry you've had to go through so much to get there but hopefully that will all be a distant memory soon.

    It's so frustrating, I am not ready to chose my boyfriend over a baby. I love him so much but I'm not ready to give up on my chance to be a mum.

    I grew up without a mum and with an alcoholic dad, in a huge, otherwise 'perfect' family. I have watched my uncles/aunties with my cousins all my life and dreamt of the day I would have a family like that, one that I fitted into. I've dreamt of doing all the things I wished I'd had from my parents, and never making my children feel like I did. I was born to be a mum, I can feel it. It's just so hard and I am so resentful - I find it hard to be happy for people close to me who are expecting, and that's not like me at all. I just feel like I'm running out of strength to fight this.

    Thank you so much for replying and again, huge congratulations to you. It's so nice to hear a success story and I'm sure your OH with be just as delighted when the baby arrives as you are xx

  • I have read your reply's to others and I feel like if I was you I would say to my OH I get that you are not ready for your reasons I don't understand but I need to be trying after my next lap. So can you please seriously think about us trying from then? Then give him time. Its so easy for me to say this when I was in your situation my OH got to the point he absolutely refused to even let me say that much about it all but you have to say your point and he needs to know you are serious. If he lets you maybe tell him your chances deteriorate the longer after the lap you wait and that you don't want to have to keep going through treatment after treatment as its a big toll on your body and he is decreasing your chances of being a mother which as he knows is the most important thing to you. I really hope he listens and you can try soon hun.

  • This is what I have said to him. I want this to be the last op I have before we start trying and that he needs to have a good think about it. I'm hoping my consultant confirms some of what I've been telling him tomorrow. At my appointment where I was prescribed the Prostap, my consultant told me that I'd be better off trying for a baby now instead of Prostap/coils/pills and that I should seriously consider it if I wanted it to happen. Unfortunately my OH couldn't make that appointment though so he has only heard this from me. I'm going to make sure I get everything I can from tomorrow's appointment though x

  • I hope your OH can hear this for himself and take it in! Let us know how your appointment goes today.

  • What strong women on here! Andie, I'm so sorry to hear your story, you don't deserve to feel any of this but something tells me that you will be a mum - your strength and determination are so clear in how you write :) 31 is young still, although you might not feel like it is and I know that it will be tricky with the endo. I am 41 and afraid I missed my chance at being a mother. I too feel like I was born for it, and gave several years to my ex raising his children as though they were my own. We broke up and.. long story.. but I don't see them any more. He promised me children, but I allowed him to keep putting it off. I was scared to push him too far I guess. I was in my mid-late 30s so should have made a firm decision, and maybe I will now regret this for the rest of my life. Looking back I see he was very selfish. He knew those were perhaps my last chance years to conceive and he knew all along he didn't want more children. In the end I was explicit about it and said I wanted us to have a child together, this was after we'd just moved house and put the kids into new schools, etc. He broke up with me soon after, saying he didn't want any more children. I'm not saying this is the same as your situation - but reading your story, it does sound as though your bf is putting his feelings above your own. Men have the luxury of not having a time device inside them! They seem to be able to compartmentalise and put things off, live for the now without facing reality. My advice would be not to panic, you have time and anything is possible, even with endo. However, you do need to make a decision and it sounds to me as though you already have. You just need to tell this decision to your bf and he will then need to make his. Don't leave it to chance if it's what you want, but also please do not panic as that won't help you make rational choices. I hope it goes well for you, as I said, something tells me you will get what you want xxx

  • Oh I'm so sorry to hear your story, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Have you spoken to your doctor about other options? What an awful thing for your ex to do. Thank you for sharing your experience with me and if you ever want to talk, always feel free to drop me a message ❤️ xx

  • Hi there.

    In all honesty, you want a baby, you're going to have to actually talk about this properly and tell him you want a baby now and demand he tell you why not now, and you need to have this talk soon, as in now. If your mental health is suffering, it's at a serious point.

    You have laid everything out there, and we are being honest here, so forgive me for being blunt (I have aspergers, so can be direct at times).

    But does he really want children, or, is he really just stringing you along? Also, is he a bit controlling? It's just from your post, that's the vibe I'm getting, him refusing to talk to you, rolling his eyes and dismissing your feelings as stupid is a form of putting you into your place. You are both at an crossroads, yet it's always his way. He shuts you down from even discussing your desires and worries.

    Another thing that stood out to me was you saying ' I don't understand why he is letting this happen.'

    It's not just on him, it's not just his decision. You are also letting this happen. If this is what you really and truly want in your life, without question, then you're going to have to really make it known and make a decision and have these discussions and make these decisions. You are both letting this happen, as you are letting him make the decisions.

    It's something to think about, but it may be worth exploring couples counselling, or going to somewhere like relate?

    Also, please go and see your doctor if your mental health is suffering that badly.

    I hope you can find some peace here.

  • Hi, thank you for your reply.

    We have spoken about it properly on numerous occasions but it always ends in a stalemate. My OH isn't controlling at all, if I'm honest I think the reason he is hesitant is because he has this idealistic image in his head about when we have children which we haven't yet achieved. I believe a lot of it is fear. He definitely wants children one day but does not see the importance of doing it now. He is an optimist and believes that when we decide, it will just happen for us. He very much has his head in the sand over it all.

    I think couples counselling would be a good idea, I hadn't thought about it previously but will definitely look into it, thank you for the suggestion.

    I know I am letting this happen, but that's only because I don't know what else to do short of leaving him. I really don't want it to come to that though as we live an otherwise very happy life. It just feels like we have this black cloud over us.

    The reason he shuts me down when I try to talk about it is because we know the outcome every time. I think he feels pressured by me and I feel let down by him. It's a horrible situation for both of us.

  • Hi.

    Sorry to imply he may be controlling, it's just what I read into it when someone dismisses how the other one feels, or won't listen to their desires as they don't see their worth. Sometimes people can have slight control issues, even if they don't manifest in every situation.

    I'm glad you like the idea of therapy though. I think it would really help you as it's a neutral place where you can lay everything out, and you'll be heard and he'll have to respond to it. It may take the pressure off of you to try to get him to talk, it will only be in therapy. He might also be able to share his own thoughts on it, and at least you will know what he's thinking.

    I suppose you may have to consider will you be happy enough with just you two, if you never do have children, will you be okay with that? Is he enough for you without children and will you resent him in the future if you don't get your chance?

    They're difficult questions to ask yourself, but if this is really what you want in life, then I think it's a conversation you'll have to have with yourself.

  • I think I already know the answers to those questions but I feel like I need to give us one last shot, I'm hoping he will realise how serious I am following tomorrow's appointment.

    Thank you for all your advice :) x

  • If you know the answers, then you know the answers.

    Is he going with you to your appointment? Let us know how it all goes.

  • I think you already know what you need to do if you feel this is the right time and he doesn't but I appreciate what a big step it would be. You need to find out whether he's saying no children ever, no children with you, or no children right now. If its no children right now then i can tell you as a parent that there is never a right time. You are never ready, and you never have everything in place. But if you leave it you could find yourself at 35+, childless, with the Endo too far progressed. I have just had a hysterectomy at 39 and all I can say is don't tell yourself you have time, because you really don't. The un other worse case scenario is that you stay together and he then decides at 40 that he's ready and ends the relationship to have them. I think at this point you have to put your cards on the table and tell him it's time and he either commits or you're done and don't let horrible feelings frighten you away from facing it. It is too important for that. X.

    BTW your discussions aren't ending in a stalemate. You ask, he says no. He gets what he wants and you don't. He wins. And while I firmly believe that a man should not be pushed to father a child he doesn't want, if he's just telling you to wait for some unspecified time in the future, he's keeping his options open. I know how it feels when the baby urge bites this hard and how crazy it makes you, but honestly, a man who genuinely wants a family with you will understand that and shift his timeline to fit yours.

  • This is what I was trying to say. There is no stalemate as he is getting what he wants, and Andie, you are not, so your position is losing, not a stalemate.

  • Hiya, thanks for your reply :)

    He is saying no children right now, I know for sure that he doesn't mean ever, and am pretty sure he doesn't mean no children with me. I have given him every chance to walk away from this with no hard feelings but he is adamant that's not what he wants.

    I just wish I could find a way for him to realise how important this is xx

  • How can you be so sure though?

    What he's doing is the definition of stringing you along, dangling the possibility of it down the line, at an unspecified date, and not giving you any reasons for it being a no.

  • Does he go with you to your appointments? Would he go? It might help for him to hear it from a doc.

  • There is never a 'right' time to have children. But somehow, some way, they fit right in to the family like they've always been there. You will never regret having a child, but you may certainly regret the children you don't have. I suggest you and your partner attend some counselling. You may not feel like you need it, but you said that whenever you discuss children you always end in a stalemate. A counsellor or therapist will be able to moderate your discussion, help you work through the stalemate and reach a decision.

    One thing I will tell you, woman to woman, is that you love your partner more than anything right now, but you will love your child more than him. Once you experience the overwhelming, earth shattering love of having a child, you would gladly throw yourself, or your partner, under a bus for your child. To miss out on experiencing children because your partner, after EIGHT years, still doesn't want to commit, isn't worth it. I can tell you're at breaking point now. It's time to get serious and figure it out once and for all.

    Good luck.

You may also like...