Just moaning with no point, really

[moxyfilms]

I had a fairly radical robotic lap a year ago (hysterectomy, excision and dissection of scar tissue) which has been miraculous (I had to get myself to the States to get it done, that's a long story). I've had 2 laparotomies before this successful lap which were a disaster, but after the surgery a year ago I have been pain free for the first time in my life.

Last couple of days I've been feeling hints of the old chronic pain creeping back into my right upper abdomen where I had a constant pulling sensation on the inside so severe that I stopped working for 5 months. It's been hinting, and this morning I feel like my uterus has suddenly returned, the pain and pulling in my right side is back, and my lower abdomen is on fire, and the pain is radiating down my right leg. I have literally been fine until the day before yesterday, cycling, running, having a life.

I'm loathe to take tramadol to ease it as I went through horrible withdrawls coming cold turkey off Lyrica and Tramadol last year post-surgery... I'm afraid to take anything strong enough to stop the pain properly. I may have to get over that.

But worse is the fear. I can't do this again. I can't do it to my partner or my mother, or anyone I work with. I can't disappear again into this goddam condition. I can't deal with the doctors not listening anymore. I can't do more surgery.

Last night I didn't sleep, listening to him breathing beside me, wondering how I can hide it if this starts again so that I don't weigh on him. I wondered how I carry on if this starts again. And the thought that worries me the most is I don't want to carry on if this starts again. I really don't. I can't live on this couch or in my bed again until I get help. I can't face the strain again on my relationship. I can't go to the states again for help with the specialist I had over there. I'm so afraid of what this pain means. I don't want to do this again.

I don't know where else to share my fear, so I thought this would be the best place.

Thanks for letting me moan. x

[brizzlebird]

So sorry to hear you are experiencing pain again after getting your life back! You should talk with your loved ones and tell them how you feel, anyone would be scared in your shoes. What would you want if you were them and your partner was in pain and needing you? As Endo sufferers we absorb so much so we don't put upon others and we have to dig so deep just to function on a basic level. The people that love us do so unconditionally with or without pain.

I hope this is just a blip for you. Sending you a big hug x