When the hubby doesn't understand? :-/

Hey gals,

Due to have a laparotomy next May to remove adenomyoma and endo.

Had 4 laparoscopies over the last five years. Next op been warned may end up having to do hyst when they're in there if things go wrong. Understandably upset about this.

Ttc since May this year, 1 miscarriage, feeling under pressure and like I'm running out of time. Endo had gone bonkers since being off the pill so I'm actually feeling really poorly and sore most of the time too, having difficulty walking etc. Frequent sex making it worse.

Myself and the hubby have been avoiding going out and socialising because a number of close friends are pregnant. I really don't know what to say to anyone about what we're going through and feel like if anyone asks me how I am I'll burst out crying.

I'm feeling incredibly upset and angry. One of the girls kept asking us out places so I said I'd do lunch and now feel stressed that I'll get upset or say the wrong thing. My husband doesn't get how I feel or why I get so stressed or why I would find it hard to be around pregnant people. (it's not just the pregnant bit - the docs can't give me the treatment I need specifically because I don't have children yet, so it's like my failure is a barrier to my own care).

He's called my attitude disgusting because I said I didn't think it was fair for a couple we know to be expecting when they aren't married, the guy has cheated and she drank heavily in early pregnancy.

Why can't my husband see I'm being judgemental and lashing out mainly because I'm frightened and upset myself. And maybe I do feel it's unfair to have to go through all of this too when we have put in so much effort.

I really miss having some sort of a normal life and commonality with other people. I miss going out as a couple and having fun, it's like we're hiding from others to avoid the whole why don't you have kids conversation and endless amounts of baby talk. It honestly feels like we are in an airraid bunker waiting for overhead fire to stop. The emotional aspect and finding things difficult socially on top of physical pain and all the doctor drama is just too much. I really relied on my social network as a way to relax before all the baby stuff started and now it's just intolerable.

How can I find a way through this and how do you keep a marriage strong and find some normality a couple in this situation?

Thanks in advance xx

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8 Replies

  • I can't totally relate to the extent of your endo and adenomyoma as I am awaiting my first lap next month. But I completely understand the effects of having everyone around be pregnant - in day to day as well as on social media. I have a two and a half year old daughter (I believe I hyper ovulated after popping off the pill), but we have tried to get pregnant for at least a year and a half and no luck. It is so depressing as all of my close friends are either pregnant, or have just had babies - and everyone on social media seems to be expecting. I try to be happy for them, but I just cry because all I want is a baby. And hubby doesn't understand - he is of the attitude that it is someone else and has nothing to do with us...but I can't help feeling jealous and having a pity party. And at this stage it is "are you having another baby?" "are you planning on any more kids in future?" etc. Anyways, best of luck to you - I really hope you get your rainbow baby soon. <3

  • Thank you for replying. This is so tough. The miscarriage was two months ago, I am really struggling coping with that and the fear of it happening again/risk of uterine rupture.

    How was your first pregnancy? Were you frightened with adenomyosis, did you get any extra support?

    I tried explaining to my husband I just can't cope with being around pregnant people at the moment even if a family member gets pregnant it would be difficult to not end up upset. His response was if I can't be around them all then I won't be with him.

    I don't think I have ever felt so low

  • I'm so sorry, I can't imagine dealing with a miscarriage - it is one of my greatest fears. I hope that you can find some peace in the future.

    I have not fully been diagnosed until after my lap in Oct but show all symptoms. However, thankfully my pregnancy went pretty well. I did have a lot of cramping - especially increased Braxton hicks (which felt painful when they should only feel tightening) and false labours. But my daughter was born healthy (and overdue!) so that's all that matters. I started horrible cramping shortly after birth though - when I think endo started to worsen.

    That is so hard how unsupportive your husband is. I also think that perhaps he could also be dealing with the miscarriage in his own way and with the whole fertility/your health. Now, it may be a completely unhealthy way to deal with it. But possibly could explain his reactions.

  • Good to hear your pregnancy went well, gives me hope :-)

    I know my hubby is going through this too, he has always had trouble expressing his emotions and maybe that's why he's acting so out of character.

  • Hello,

    I hope you don't mind me saying but I think you would really benefit from talking to someone. If you go to your Doctor and ask for a referral to a counsellor they will be able to arrange it for you. This is an incredibly hard thing you are going through and you shouldn't have to go through it alone.

    You are certainly allowed to be angry, never forget that but you just need to figure out a way to deal with it. Just don't bottle things up, especially with your husband. Try and be honest with him where ever you can. It may lead to some harsh conversations but it will be worth it in the long run. Don't forget, it's not just you that's mourning a loss here.

    I have severe endo with really bad bowel /intestinal adhesions and a few other illnesses. I found out I couldn't have children a few years ago and am still dealing with gyne issues now. I'm really lucky that my husband is very supportive and we came to terms with everything together. But I'm also quite poorly so it's a completely different situation. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I think why me? And that it completely sucks. But then I spend time with my nieces and they cheer me up (and shatter me out!).

    You are young, otherwise healthy? There are other ways for you to become a mother if that is what you really want. Just take everything one step at a time. I'm sure the hysterectomy will be a worst case scenario. If you're unsure, speak to your specialist.

    I really hope your operation goes well and that you manage to find some peace of mind.

    Take care.

  • Hey thanks for replying. My gp wants me to see a health psychologist because of the effect endo has had on my life and the ongoing problems. I am currently seeing a mental health nurse who says it is available and I definitely need the treatment. My gynae consultant has to be the one to refer and he isn't doing it because they are saying the service isn't available... This has been going on for the last year....

    I really just need a constructive way of coping with all of this.

    I am stage 4, 4 laps Inc. partial bowel resection. Concurrent adenomyosis and other health issues. I was told I needed the hyst 3 years ago but they can't put me down for it as I have no kids. We had wanted to try earlier but they kept finding more wrong and bringing me in for surgery.

    I am 30, I know there are other options to take in pursuit of having a family. I am so exhausted with being in pain it's just got to the stage where I'm not coping at all.

    How did you and your husband make peace with infertility, or where was useful for support?

  • Counselling really helped me to deal with my feelings and help me cope with what was happening. I have learnt coping strategies for dealing with this illness and would really recommend you try it. It helped enormously with my relationship with my partner the most important thing is to keep communication going (and for your husband to cut you a little slack when your having a rant).


  • This is so normal in a situation where we have low fertility and then add to that the pain.

    You also had a miscarriage so you are going to be sad from that. As you were so close.

    On the plus you have at least conceived, but struggled to carry.

    Some ppl have never conceived. So you CAN get pregnant which is amazing news.

    Everyone is always pregnant and I now say to hubby if course they are!

    You are only sad cos you want it so bad, but anything worth doing is not easy. As I'm in the sameboat and that's what I tell myself when low.

    I'm struggling at and my best friend of 16 yrs is pregnant with her 3rd child.

    Not without heartache tho, she had a miscarriage.

    men never get it, think it's our maternal instinct.

    With regards to avoiding friends, they might of struggled to a conceive too .

    Try not to isolate yourself as true friends won't mind you opening up.

    Hope my opinion helped xxxx

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