First talk with my Mum about endo and babies

Hi everyone i had my first in depth talk with my mum yesterday about my endo i have been diagnosed for nearly 12 years now

it all started with talking about a thyroid appointment i have in the nuclear medicine department and not being around children or pregnant women afterwards, my sister in law is expecting her first baby and lives next door to my mum and dad

We talked about different things doctors have told me since being diagnosed like about 2-3 years after my first op i had problems with bleeding and 2 doctors said my time was running out to have a baby and i should do so soon not exactly the treatment i thought would be suggested, i told my boyfriend what the doctor said and he was less than supportive, he had said out of the blue when we were first together that he probably wouldn't want children

Then about 2 years ago i had another op and the consultant asked questions about whether i had children, why i didn't and did i want them (that seems to happen at all new appointments though) i told her about how my endo affects my life and how much i struggle with just normal day to day things and that i cannot work because of my endo so i didn't think i could cope with a baby and give them the life they deserve and to be honest my boyfriend and i cannot sleep together as it is too painful

After all that she said the hospital could offer help but the way my boyfriend reacts to talking about anything about that subject i didn't say anything

My mum said i should try talking to him again and i did today and he surprised me but not shouting or having a go at me, neither of us know if we want children i feel in limbo and i suppose a bit guilty because my mum would love another grand child but i have never been the sort of person who has always known they want children i don't even understand how i feel now

thank you for taking the time to read this it really helps just to get it all out x

9 Replies

  • Sorry you are feeling down my lovely. You ultimately have to do what's best for you and no one else! Endo is a horrible disease that takes its toll on so many aspects of our lives. I hope your bf is now being supportive because having a supportive partner has really helped me. Maybe if he read a bit about endo he may understand the pain you deal with on a daily basis? Take care and chin up xx

  • Thank you for your reply he is being more supportive now so far, it's just talking to me he seems to have trouble with he says he doesn't know what to say which sometimes is fair enough but sometimes it would be good to hear what he is thinking or to discuss things like he did with my thyroid appointments and when i was waiting for biopsy results x

  • It is scary to have kids. I have known since I was 15-ish that I didn't want kids. I grew up helping raising my younger sisters because my mom had to work many jobs and many hours to support us. I got to deal first hand with what it means to be a mom. But, my middle sister has 4 kids and does ok, my bff has 2 kids and does ok. It is more of the day to day things you have to be able to handle, not the big scary stuff. It is an amazing thing to take a tiny creation and make that creation into a wonderful human being.

    Don't think about if we have enough money, or am I getting too old for this. Think about: Can I deal with this tiny one if I have a bad flare up day? Can I handle 5 days in a row of temper tantrums? Do I have a support group of family and friends that can help me if I need it? Can I give this baby the love and support it needs? If he and I break up, am I ok raising this child on my own? (and I put that one in, because sadly in these times it happens more often then not). Do you deep down feel maternal?

    I know for sure that I really enjoy kids, but not as a mom. I know I am not thrilled at the concept of being pregnant and giving birth. I am not maternal, and I am ok with that. I am a fabulous aunt and "adopted aunt". I get to do all the fun stuff (and sometimes discipline) then leave and go back to my quiet home. But other people I know absolutely LOVE having kids. Each day is something new to learn about your child. Each day you get to look at the world a bit differently because a child asks questions about some of the strangest things you may have never thought of.

    And does it get easier? Most of the time yes. But then every now and again I ponder at my choice. I am 35 years old and just had a complete hysterectomy with one ovary removal 2 months ago. Surprisingly I had serious children thoughts. Like what have I done to myself, now I can't ever give birth freaking out kind of thoughts. But then I realized: 1. I know deep down I still do not want kids, and 2. I still can either adopt or have a surrogate mother because I still have my one ovary left.

  • Hi thank you for your reply if i am really honest i don't think i am maternal i used to think it was because i got sick quite young and the comments my boyfriend made when anything was said about children i felt the choice had been taken away on 2 counts

    but really i have been quite scared of the whole thing too being pregnant giving birth etc

    if anyone i knew had a baby unfortunately one of my fears was being asked if i wanted to hold it, i do hope things are different though when my niece or nephew arrives in september i would love to be a great auntie

    But these things make you think about your own life even though it seems all doctors etc talk about from the moment you are diagnosed too so you have to think about it but neither makes it any easier, not for me anyway, i know it's not something to be done just because of your age or because friends and family are but the pressure is there it's like if you are a woman you should have a baby and i know it's wrong but i feel a bit of a failure or abnormal even though i may not even be able to get pregnant anyway

  • Hi - if you are suffering severe pain because of endo then you shouldn't put yourself or let anyone else put you under any sense of pressure over having children at the moment. Your instincts are telling you that you wouldn't be able to cope. If you did get pregnant you would probably have a great improvement in your symptoms as the oestrogen that drives endo takes a back seat but they would return afterwards and the stress of that and having a baby to look after can be immense.

    The most important thing right now is what is being done about your endo? If you have pain on sex it sounds likely that you have rectovaginal involvement that should be dealt with in a specialist endo centre. Can you click on my name and read my first post on endo and the one on Pouch of Douglas endo and the one on finding a specialist. You need to put yourself first right now and take charge of your endo treatment so you can get yourself to a position that is both best for chances of you conceiving and being able to look after a baby. x

  • Thank you for your help i really appreciate it

    My treatment for my endo is basically the combined pill i take it for 6 weeks at a time to cut down on my periods

    i have had 2 laps to remove endo and after the second one they wanted to put me on injections to simulate the menopause but i researched it as the registrar a saw couldn't explain it to me properly and couldn't give 2 figs about what i was saying anyway

    i didn't think swapping one set of symptoms for another was worth it and with it only being a break for my body i didn't see the point being back to square one and nothing else being offered afterwards

    i read people have heavy bleeding with them and having been through that before i started on the pill as my periods were the wrong way round, i would bleed for 3 weeks and have a week break and then 3 weeks bleeding again it made me quite ill

    I have a tse pain relief machine that i use and i used to take volterol on really bad days until it was banned

    so basically i have to live with it and just get on with i used to have a really good nurse at my gp surgery i could talk to her about anything and she would do anything she could to help me but she has left now x

  • Hi - do you now where you had endo and did you have the laps in general gynaecology in a local hospital? What area of the UK do you live in?

  • Hi i am in kent and first lap i had most of the endo was covering my womb and the second said about ligaments i'm not 100% sure if i have it anywhere else as my follow up appointments after my ops were horrible and i ended up in tears after the second one i was treated so badly and both my ops were done in my local hospital

  • Hi - you really don't have to put up with this treatment. One of the purposes of this site is to ensure that women like you know about the specialist endo centres and how to get a referral. You have one of the best centres in the country in your area. I will pm you later. Have to go out just now. x

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