When to tell?

So I've started seeing a guy that I really like. It's only been a couple of dates but I really do like him and I'm left with the dilemma of when to tell him about my endo. The doctors told me in February that the sooner I start trying for a baby the better, but they can't guarantee that I'll have any success. How do I tell a guy that without a) him thinking I'm wanting a baby now or b) running for the hills! I'm worried if I don't tell him now that if things go well then I've hidden it from him and then how do I bring it months down the line but I'm scared that if I tell him now he'll think I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm 23 and endo might be the hardest part of dating!!

8 Replies

  • I wouldn't tell him now..too soon to share something so personal with someone you have been dating on a few occasions. Unless you started out as friends and he knows you become unwell. I'm not saying there is a shame in having endo, but its hugely personal. And you'll probably end up telling him too much, about the children thing, and that would freak alot of young guys out who are in their 20s.

    Date him for longer, have a proper relationship for a while then you can share everything if all goes well. If he is a decent guy it won't change how he views you, not when he knows you properly. But you cant know someone properly after only a few dates and I doubt he will want to know about your gynaecological status. And no, you aren't hiding things, you are just being private about something very personal. In my view anyway. Goodluck. And re fertility, try not to panic. I am 39, have had stage 4 endo for years, damage to ovaries and just has my first IVF and I responded far better than expected and produced 9 very good eggs, so there is always hope and there is good treatment out there.

    What you need to do to preserve your future fertility is so have good excision surgery as and when you are ready. I have not even had that, had a few surgeries and only 1 ovary responded, but its not game over for me yet for childbearing so it certainly won't be for you. So please try not to worry. All the best.

  • Hi,

    I just want to wish you good luck, not sure when it can be taken as a good time to even tell him about this.

    It is very hard, for you in the situation you are , and for him, especially that you are both at the beginning and probably have not been thinking this far in future.

    I think you will for sure find out what type of person he is. He can be scared and disseapear, maybe panic and then return, not willing to take the hassle?

    Take care.

  • Hey hunni I wouldn't tell him yet even thou it's hard to hide I was diagnosed at 15 am now 28 and endo ruined a few relationships coz they thought I only wanted children. The partner who I'm with now still doesn't really know what's wrong with me but knows I've had surgery and suffer terrible I am too scared to tell him xx

  • Hey I can kindof relate, I'm 22 and have been diagnosed with stage 5 endo. I'm currently on zoladex so on a false menopause ATM, pretty crazy stuff. Being in a similar situation as yourself I think something as personal and big as a conversation your thinking of throwing out there will happen naturally if he's the right one. I wouldn't force that kind of conversation to happen though, if it happens it happens. You'll know when he's ready and looking at that sort of commitment. It's hard because you just want to be upfront from the get go and have no nonsense, filter out the weak and move on to the next. Unfortunately it won't be that easy. I'm not sure if that helped but I'm sure you'll work it out :) x

  • It's so hard because I don't want to not tell him and get 6 months down the road and feel like I should have but then I don't want to scare him away. I think I want to tell him but I'm so scared to do. I don't want to waste time and feelings on someone that this could be a deal breaker for. It's all so complicated!! Thank you all for your words of support. No one gets its like someone else suffering it!

  • I know how you feel but u will know when the time is right chick but just see where it's going first, see how he reacts when ur in pain and how understanding he is x ive had Exs ask me in the past is it catchable!!! Xx

  • I agree with Gem - see where its going first. I commented earlier but forgot to mention that alot of men are a bit crap with such things, even a few old colleagues who I considered good friends (worked with them for over 12 years) they have backed off from me since i told them. They just either viewed me differently or couldn't handle it - it was so weird. I just stopped hearing from them. They knew I was in a long term relationship and were friends with my now husband, so it was never anything related to sex, it wasn't ever like that - but they somehow stopped wanting to talk to me after my surgeries - and these were really decent guys. Luckily a few of them have been great, but it's a gamble. One guy I was particularly shocked at, we shared so much and he just dropped me. I wouldn't have told them, but had to because I had to explain why I was off work. Given a choice i wouldn't have shared it. Utterly bizarre - so be very careful at how quickly you approach this, even decent guys can balk at such information...

  • Hey, I think it's best to tell them when you're ready. You haven't got to tell them everything at once!

    I was diagnosed in march with stage 4 and awaiting more surgery. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now but I've only told him bits at a time.

    Be careful what you tell people though, I've had horrible comments from him saying how I can't get pregnant and how he wishes I would be normal.

    Good luck! Go with your gut instinct, you'll find out their true colours sooner or later!xx

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