Had a lap 4 weeks ago ... Too scared to have sex :(

[Flowerpot23]

Hi girlies

I had my 2nd lap 4 weeks ago and had quite a lot done. Sex has always been painful for me and even more so in recent months. I'm in a long term relationship (7 years) and my boyfriend has been with me every step of the way in dealing with endo. He's been so patient with me an hasn't pressured me into having sex since the lap but I can tell he's getting restless and soon enough I'm going to have to pluck up the courage ... I'm so terrified it's going to hurt I just want to avoid it at all costs but I can't put it off for much longer...what to do?

[Impatient]

You don't have to have vaginal penetration to have fun.

Don't avoid intimacy just because one aspect is painful, or you fear the pain. Look in to broadening your horizons. There are other ways to enjoy each others company not just for now while you are still in early stages of recovery from a major surgery but also for the years ahead, because it is very rare to hear that any endo surgery has cured the matter of painful sex. It just doesn't work out that way for the vast majority and you have to adapt what you do in the bedroom (or elsewhere) so that you are not injuring yourself.

I don't wish to be crude about this, but hand jobs, oral even anal , using toys and gadgets, trying different positions etc. There are so many variations on a theme that you can explore together with your partner to find what suits the both of you best without him worrying about hurting you or you worrying about getting hurt.

There's no reason at 4 weeks post op why you cannot be intimate and relieve your partner of some "restlessness", even if you are not yet ready to try the big one.

And even if you do want to try vaginal, then be sure that your partner knows it is a trial and be gentle and stop as soon as you feel the pain is too uncomfy.

Taking pain killers before the deed can help some ladies, but it certainly is not the solution for everyone. You need to communicate with your partner about this, the pain can be severe, and your fears are not unfounded, so before taking the plunge, spend the next few weeks trying out other options, and see how your feel about trying vaginal penetration later on. It isn't something you should feel pressured in to by anyone regardless of your health situation or from feelings of guilt. If your partner is not pressuring you, then don't pressure yourself either.

If he knew how much you were worrying he'd be the 1st to tell you to stop worrying, wouldn't he?

Communication between the two of you over this is essential, if you are struggling how to broach the subject , then book for the two of you to have some counseling to have a 3rd party there to guide the conversation in constructive way without falling in to any arguments.

It need not be a specialist sex therapist, it may just be relationship counselor, because the issue is more about letting each other know how you feel and what each of your can do in the partnership to open up to each other and explore the alternatives.

If you are still far too sore for any bedroom antics (and I wouldn't in the least be surprised if that was the case after just 4 weeks) then say so. The advice is to not go to the gym for 10 weeks after gynae surgery..... to my way of thinking a sex session can be just as demanding as a gym session, therefore be kind to your battered body and give it break if you re not yet up to 'it'.

It took me close to 5 months to be op pain free after my op.

At just 4 weeks you really will not be fully recovered inside, not for some time yet, and that is normal. Don't beat yourself up over this,you cannot help having endo and surgery and ending up with too much pain when you have sex,it happens to so many endo ladies.

Use the search box on the green br at the top of the page and type in sex pain.

It is a topic which is raised every other day at least, so there are hundreds of previous discussions and ladies putting forward their ideas for keeping the intimacy side of things alive, while struggling with pain.

[Flowerpot23 in reply to Impatient]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I'm not very adventurous in the bedroom. I think it because all sex is to me is pain so I think it's just put me off in general, but I understand that there are other options which won't be painful I just need to get my head around the idea! X

[Jaypalf]

For me, sex was always painful, right through from when I lost my virginity to before I was diagnosed with endo. I thought that was just how it was meant to be. Didn't stop me enjoying myself though - you can have fun in so many different ways, just like the other replies have said

That said, after my laparoscopy, when the tenderness in my tummy had gone down and I could walk again, it was just stunning to feel the results of most of the endo having been lasered out. For the first time, I was able to have sex without it hurting and it was so liberating. Just be careful not to overdo it haha

Relax, take it slowly, but hopefully it should feel so much better I'm sure you will get there! It's difficult when it's been so painful for so long and we've all been through so much trauma. I'm sure your bf will understand your needing to take it slowly so just enjoy the process of getting close again as much as you can xx