I hate CHEMICAL IMBALANCES

[DaisyFlowerz]

I AM SEVERELY DEPRESSED...BUT THIS IS THE ONLY THING THATS WRONG WITH MY LIFE. I have two beautiful children, a great career, supportive family members....my mom, sisters, best friend, and a couple of other great friends and relatives. My boss is awesome and my co-workers are great people to work with. My husband fell out of heaven. He is a truly amazing man....a knight in shing armor....the kind of gentleman we all want to take home to our parents to meet...the kind of man wth honor, integrity and respect we all dream of as little girls...the ones we hardly see anymore...and the ones we hope we end up marrying and living happily ever after with. He works for the government, but for security reasons I can't say exactly what he does....but its a high stress level job. He has some really long days and stressful weeks at times...but it never really seem to get to him.

He is however, my second husband and my first chance at true love. He is not perfect, has a slight case of OCD, and doesnt like changes in his routines. Nevertheless, he adores me and supports me in everyway. I have 3 college degrees, two BA's and an AA all with education and criminal justice majors. I love working with children and I adore my girls and my students. I am a teacher an international school and I'm a US Army Veteran. I served at the beginning of the IRAQI FREEDOM FIGHT, but never deployed...so no PTSD. I do miss the military and MY only REGRET is the fact that I was discharge due to my injury and depression. I loved my career and served with pride.

Im not saying my life is perfect....but considering all that I have to be thankful for....and I am...One would think I should be happy every single day...or most days....but Im not. I try my darnest...for myself....MY girls and my husband....but some days I feel as if Im breathing just because air is flowing thru my lungs and nostrils. Sure I have real world problems such as with my credit report, balancing my check book, keeping two teens in line...the girls are 15 and 12...but its not enough for my level of depression. I should not be this depressed and having these episodes of panic attacks and crying spells.... I just don't understand it...and Id do anything for it to go away. Also....My worse episodes comes at night right before bed. Poor guy, when I can't fall asleep and I get sad I keep him up. Sometimes I worry that he will just get sick and tired of me and call it quits....and walk away :"(.

I am tough, strong and persistent. I have depression in my genes...and it is hereditary....but I refuse to give up and let it get the best of me. I will fight until I can't fight any more. I have My entire family and GOD by my side. Is there anyone out there that can relate to me...in a similar situation???

[teajay]

Yes! Keep on keepin on!!!

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to teajay]

Thank you so much.

[Golfer15]

I'm in the same situation. Take one day at a time. I work in school. I have depression so I don't teach. I have a B ed degree. I'm on medication but don't like it and I want to get off it this summer.

Just off to work. I work 9 to 3. Less stress!

I'm also a christian. Prayer helps.

David

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to Golfer15]

Hello David,

I wrote you a lovely response last night....and right before I click the Reply button...my smart phone froze on me...you got to love these smart gadgets these days.

I often pray my self to sleep. I am a Christian as well. By the time I'm around the 10th Our Father I slip into unconsciousness. Those are my better nights. Prayers have accompanied me along side this journey thru the roads of depression.

I regret to hear that you no longer teach. I don't have a choice. I crawl out the bed most mornings feeling like crap. My husband is amazed at the thorough job I do at hiding it. I don't think anyone suspects my depression. My teenager, the 15 year old has inherited this gene as well. I will walk to the ends of the earth for my children and will give up my life in a heart beat for them.

I want to see them both successful and happy. If I give up, stay in the bed and allow depression to beat me....she too will give up. She has no clue of how depressed I am...instead I continuously try to counsel her, motivate her and keep her spirits up, which in turn is therapeutic for me as well. They are the ones that keeps me going...I dread the day she leaves for college....or when they both leave...because I don't want the little one to see me too down and out to even get out the house. However, I will hopefully still have my husband...he has stuck by my side so far.

Getting off meds for me was like fighting a demon from the pits of hell. I'd rather give birth without any pains meds...back to back in one day....a hundred times....versus the pains and trauma from withdrawing from the anti-depressants I was on. It got harder and harder and harder....and finally about 4 months later I was only feeling very few symptoms of withdrawals....Around Mid march was the first time I realized I hadn't had any withdrawals in a few days. The attacks were physical, mental, emotional and every which way you can imagine.

If you don't mind me asking...What kind of meds are you on? I am not trying to scare you or discourage you. I just want to prepare you for the worse scenario possible...because of what I experienced. Thank God I had loved ones around me that supported me and saw me through it. I wasn't able to go to work either, by the way. Believe me when I say I will pray for you....and hope that it will be what is best for you. It can be done!!!!...get stronger in your faith...and make sure its a good time in your life. God will be by your side.

[Golfer15 in reply to DaisyFlowerz]

Hi Daisy

Thanks for this reply. It is good to know I'm not alone. This depression affects anyone whatever their background.

I'm on citalopram and don't know whether to try coming off them.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

David

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to Golfer15]

David,

You will probably see my last blog soon. I explained all I went thru and what is to be expected with calling it quits on your meds. I can only share my experience and make reccommendations or suggestions like you asked. I cant be the one to say if you should or NOT do it. I looked up your med Cilopram....and it is closely related to Effexor...what I weaned off of. So, one would think the withdrawal symptoms would be the samE OR very similar.

However, Im not a doctor and dont even know your tolerance level or anything about you when it comes to pain....So you may have a whole different experience from mine. It maybe a walk in the park for you....and it may not be. It may be way worse than my experience...but I wouldn't wish that even on my worse enemy....so hopefully not.

However, here are my STRONG RECCOMMENDATIONS IF YOU WEAN OFF:

Inform your doctor and your therapist if you are seeing one. If not, start seeing one regularly (therapist).

You have to be under constant supervision...as in WEEKLY

(Atleast one visit per week)

Have a trusted family member or friend who lives with you go to the Initial appointment with you...So they will be aware of the risks...and know what to do in an emergency or know when to interviene.

You Cannot be living alone. Someone has to be with you at all times...or as much as possible.

Make sure its a good, stable time in your life.

Take time off of work... This can be time consuming.

Allow the weaning process to last as long as you need it to. Only you can tell how you really feel.

Have meds availabe if you decide you have to get back on...and notify your doctor of that change as well. You doctor will reccommend the best increase dosage for you.

Keep in mind that weaning off is NOT easy and you may have to start over a couple of times. Take your time. Its not about fast or slow...but about the end result.

VERY IMPORTANT: Any thoughts of harming yourself/ others...notify your doctor immediately. ...Go to the ER.

Foods and drinks that eases the symptoms: Gatorade (purple/ blue), tangy or sour stuff: candy worms, raw lemons, lemonade, hot sauce or snacks like hotwings and sunflower seeds, plenty of fish weekly/ fish oil, relaxing hot tea.

Remind yourself to stay calm in any/all situations daily...and dont forget to breath. Situations appear to be a lot bigger/ worse when you're off meds. Your therapist can help you figure out some coping techniques.

Lastly, Once again: Do NOT Attempt this on your own. Get your support team together first. I will be here if you have any questions. Please let me know if u decide to do it and how its going.

Also...one last thing for you to think about. I got off my meds...but look where Im at. I dealing with severe depression again...and like I said before....my life is not that bad. Its been years since Ive functioned without meds....and Im not doing all that great. Chances are...I may have to get back on them. Just think about it carefully David.

My best to you.

[Jeffju]

Just small steps each day and don't forget to pat yourself on your back when you have acheived something. Sounds as though you are an acheiver, so lots of pats coming. I have a nice family situation too and sgould be very grateful but depression and anxiety seem to take the enjoyment away at times. So back to small steps and time AND be kind to yourself. All the very best. xx

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to Jeffju]

Jeffju,

I guess I never saw myself that way...although I've been told so many times how exemplary my efforts are to continue to better off my life and that of my kids. At first I just wanted to be in college so that my girls would know if mommy did it....so can we. I don't think parents should force the issue of college unless they did it themselves.

Then once enrolled I continue to look at my options....I wanted to be so many things...lol...even as a grown up. Once I took up Sociology as a major and Psychology as a minor I realized that I had an opportunity to learn more about my depression and abuse I endured as a child. At one point I even wanted to major in Psychology and become a Psychologist, but I realize I was not mentally strong or stable enough. So, then I pursued the degree in Social and Criminal Justice so I can work with children who had been abused and are in the system....and then I got the AA as an Educational Paraprofessional to work with special needs kids. I realized that my episodes of depression were less often and less severe when I was actively engaged in school and studying. I am not in school right now...and only working part time...so this may be why my depression has come on so strong. I plan on going back to pursue my masters in education in the Fall.

I guess I should pat myself on the back. I've forgotten to do that because my steady focus is on just making it day to day. Thank you for helping me realize my accomplishments and the need to reward myself. Like you said, "be kind to yourself". This is key to remaining happy and secure with who I am. I will take those small steps and think of you...And my best to you as well.

[Hidden]

Another one here,

Coped with 3 shit marriages then met mr wonderful. We are both well educated. All my family and friends adore him, we live by the sea, a grown up daughter (mine), two grandchildren and two lovely dogs.

We managed to have 3 good years before my depression got out of control then 12 years of absolute crap...everything's right in my life except ME!!!

[Jeffju]

How true that is Lucky. It's us who are the biggest problem . XX

[DaisyFlowerz]

Hi Lucky....we both got lucky then...Glad u met the right one to help u with your struggles with depression. What a coincidence...we live by the Sea as well...and thats the Caribbean Sea. Going down the river or the beaches and visiting the islands are all very therapeutic for me....I secretly wish I was a mermaid and could live in the sea; perhaps I wouldnt be fighting depression.

So I feel like you do....I dont really have anythg wrong in my life except me!

[Gambit62]

Totally get where you are coming from.

Like the joke about the man looking back on his life and the footsteps in the sand as god stand by him. He notices the points at which there are only two footprints rather than the normal four and asks god what was going there and god says - those were the points where you were really low and I thought it might cheer you up if we hopped for a while

That's the sort of god I can relate to ...

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to Gambit62]

Gambit...

Never heard of that one...but its pretty cool. Thanks for sharing...nothing like humor.