I was chatting with my youngest sister yesterday about our childhood and my mums behaviour towards us both. It was very interesting.

My youngest sister (I have 3) was my mothers favourite and she said she worked out that if she was good then mum wouldn't get nasty with her. She said she couldn't understand why we didn't all work that out as well. I said that whether I was good or bad didn't matter - I could have been the best behaved child in the world but she perceived me as bad because she hated my father and I was considered most like him in looks. She also assumed I was like him in temperment too (I'm not and never have been).

My two youngest sisters are not my fathers - my mother had a long term affair with a married man. She stayed with my father and we were all brought up as full sisters. We didn't know we weren't until our teens. This has caused endless problems in our family and my mother always divided us into 2 camps - her husbands children and her lovers. She loved her lovers children but not her husbands. As a result I spent my childhood listening to things like - you 3 (me, my dad and eldest sister) are all alike and have you been up to your tricks again? And you are just like your father, secretive and sly and so on. I had done nothing and wondered why I got blamed for so much. I also said to my sister that I don't think mum ever liked me - she agreed and also agreed with my interpretation of our childhood. I found that very liberating! I told her that although I didn't realise it at the time looking back I was a depressed child - and I'm not surprised. As a result I have always emotionally distanced myself from my mother. I have resolved many issues with life and people throughout my life (I am 59 now) but some of it remains. My recurring depression, my hatred of unfairness, low self esteem, a child's reaction to authority, committments issues and hatred of rows and confrontations.

I am having a new relationship now with my mother which I am finding very strange but not uncomforting because she has got old and very frail and is living in a care home. This is not because she suddently developed self awareness but because I have realised how different I am from her and how much I have changed from my upbringing. I can feel lots of emotions which she never managed - kindness, compassion and mercy. This is what is comforting. And I can feel sorry for her.

I don't really know why i am blogging all this but it all suddently clarified in my mind and to have someone else agree with me was great.

I will finish now - sorry to have raved on so long. Thank you to those who take the trouble to read this epic!

Bev xx

[Suzie40]

Bev that was such an interesting blog. I ended up likening it to one I wrote the other day about my father. I also grew up in a family with lots of siblings. My father was violent towards two of us and like your sister, mine would try to give me tips on ways not to 'wind him up' . We all competed for attention and it was survival of the fittest. It's wonderful that you've been able to talk things through with your sister. It's such an important part of the healing process. For me, that's still a long way off. Your blog has given me some hope though. Thank you do much x

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

I am so glad you found some hope in my blog Suzie. I haven't forgiven or forgotten what my mother did to me but its now irrelevant. My sister and I have talked about our childhood a lot. She consciously raised her child very differently and hes now a lovely man. Unfortunately my sister and I crossed into an area we haven't yet resolved between us regarding our relationship and she got upset and went off in a hump. I think its more a case of what she hasn't yet resolved from her childhood and the feeling that she has to take care of all of us. My other 2 sisters then I would agree there is justification in what she says but she seems to think I am like that as well - i'm definately not! I very rarely ask her for anything and I have been supportive of her as much as I can. She will offer to do things for us ie she has a car and will offer lifts. But she then feels used and abused. I have pointed out to her many times that I lived in London on my own from a young age and managed to take care of and be responsible for my own needs but she doesn't seem to agree. Families are very strange things aren't they? Maybe they should be banned

Bev xx

[Photogeek in reply to Suzie40]

Lucy that talking it out takes distance I mean emotional

Distance and it's something that usually happens after a long

Period. My Mum had six of us and Four of us had terrible experiences,

Being beaten by Mum in one of her mad rages over something

Trivial enough. The two younger siblings saw a different side of

Them and. When we talk about what happened .i.e. " do

You remember when I was six and you were four , we talking in bed, and

Mum charged up stairs pulled both of us out and hit us and locked

Us out in the coal shed". She left us there in mid winter for about an

Hour. I was terrified of a rat we thought was in the shed and my poor

Younger sister was terrified of the dark" I will never forget it. Dad of course wasn't strong enough to stop it.

Lucy the two younger ones who had a different experience , they don't

Really want to talk about it. They knew my Mum was not perfect but

They didn't get beaten or remember being terrified in bed as

We heard Mum having one of her rages downstairs

Ah well sometimes it's good to acknowledge what went on and just

Live your life. In fairness when Mum was well, she taught me to cook'

Knit. Paint. ' write and sew . She just could not cope with six of us, even

Though we were very well spaced out. No coils or pills then in

Catholic Ireland. Lol.

Hope this doesn't come across as poor me. I am feeling much better

Today as Meds are kicking.

[Jeffju]

How sad that your childhood was like that and how kind you can be forgiving and a lovely person even as a result of your Mother's behaviour. It was very interesting to read and I feel sure it would have been enlightening knowing your sister had the same point of view. You sound like a lovely person and I admire for rising above your upbringing and being a warm, loving person. I wish you all the very best and the new way of looking at this helps your depression. xx

[Hidden in reply to Jeffju]

Thank you Jefju I'm not sure I am a lovely person but I do try and be a nice person!

But it has taken me many years and some therapy to change as much as I have but I am very glad I made the effort! My mother has never been happy and has never displayed any self-awareness and tried to understand her behaviour. I learnt early in life that you cannot be responsible for anyone elses behaviour - only your own. If you can't change someone else you have to change your own attitude towards it. OMG thats profound for me...

Many thanks for your lovely comments.

Bev xx

[Photogeek in reply to Hidden]

Yes you are a lovely person because I say so too. Lol

[Jeffju]

How sad that your childhood was like that and how kind you can be forgiving and a lovely person even as a result of your Mother's behaviour. It was very interesting to read and I feel sure it would have been enlightening knowing your sister had the same point of view. You sound like a lovely person and I admire for rising above your upbringing and being a warm, loving person. I wish you all the very best and the new way of looking at this helps your depression. xx

[Lush__x]

Such an interesting read Bev. Its great that youve worked all this ut by your self and able to come out on the other side from it. I had issues with my father when I was growing up and he seemed to pick on me rather than my sister. My mum always stuck up for me and eventually he left. Was the happiest day of my life. Ive realsed I spend my childhood being scared and anxious and I think ive carried that with me through to adulthood. I am still searching for the answers and dont always have the time at the min to consider all this properly due to my studies but I plan to have psychodynamic therapy when I return home to hopefully uncover some of these issues. Well done again I can relate to what your saying even though our stories are different. Thank you xx

[Hidden in reply to Lush__x]

Thank you Lush. I think I am quite a bit older than you so have had a lot more time to deal with issues. Sometimes there are no answers...that is a very hard thing to accept. Good luck with your studies and your therapy.

Bev xx

[coatpin]

In a way I can relate to that , I was the youngest, girl, and the youngest son, or sons were here favorite, you learned skills to survive. Ie my eldest sister learned if you shouted the loudest you got heard. You could sense if the atmospher was bad, youd would just go off and play on and hide in the fields, but either way youd get a thrashing, when you got back. My dad used to just line 9 of us up, and thrash us one by one with a wooden spoon, till it broke then he would use his leather belt. (wether we did anything or not) we could hear,, the pain of the siblings.

I have realised through, counselling and reading (toxic parents by doctor suzanne forward) plus many more to help me recover somewhat.

This was what they learnt in there childhood, how to be parents. ie, children should be seen and not heard. cruelty!in essence. They suffered too.

If they were healthy parents, they wouldnt have hurt you. It was societys conditioning, itwas shamefull to have kids outside marriage, and we were sidled into the kitchen out the way...Imagin how mum must have felt,, loving you lot, but society hated you. you were an embarresment.(my mum and dad married eventually) but we were shamefully kids, and black mark on the familys good name. blar blar blar.

So when the so called professionals say,, kids would show in school if they were being abused,,, thats crap,,, its probably the only place they feel safe, and happy with friends.

I had to go find help how to be a better parent,,, but by the age of 5,, the damage,, is done.

no wonder we feel worthless, lowlifes, cant achieve anything, or be close to anyone, when the persons who were the ones who supposed to love and nurture us,,, didnt. we were abondoned. lost kids...lifetime legacy we hold.

[Hidden in reply to coatpin]

Thats awful coatpin. Thank goodness society is a lot more accepting now.

Bev xx

[coatpin in reply to Hidden]

Is it???? not with depression,,, or taking tablets still, I went to apply for smaritains,, (my depression is seasonal, SAD) and its heriditory. But they turned me down because of their basic lack of knowledge about the subject.

[Hidden in reply to coatpin]

I meant with being born out of wedlock coatpin.

Bev x

[coatpin in reply to Hidden]

The eldest ones were,,, thats why we were shamefull, for showing our faces, and hidden in the kitchen where no one could see us,,, that makes you feel pretty worthless, even though you had not done anything.

[knowles8586]

Hi I no what you mean by favourites, my brother was the favorite and my sister was spoilt cos she was the baby

I was picked on and bullied by my dad because I was very shy and timid

He used the wooden spoon too

[thelwell]

Oh Bev I so identify with you !The depression, low self esteem,a childs reaction to authority and hatred of rows and confrontation.My dad used a stick and I was brought up to believe children should be seen and not heard.My mother was emotionally cold and distant.Because of my depression I know I am distancing myself from people now including my son..and that grieves me.Thank you for putting it across so well...at least I know I am not alone.

[sndkk]

Hi bev

That story has touched my heart, even though my history is unrelated to me. the way you have explained feels like it has lifted a weight off your shoulders.

Do you think this is closure between your bad relationship with your mum now?

[Hidden]

Isn't it fantastic when you can do a blog and have so many people understand exactly what you are saying. Sounds like we all suffered in our families. Thats proof that bad parenting stays with your forever. I think it should be law that all parents should be made to have parenting lessions!

I'm not sure this is closure sndkk - its a new relationship. Will have to think about that one.

Thanks for all your replies.

Bev xx

[Photogeek]

Oh Bev. That is an interesting post. Very sad too. God I'm sure those years

Affected you . If it any consolation most families are alike in that they

Are all dysfunctional. I grew up with a very unstable and sometimes violent mother

, she was an only child and had six of us . She was good in parts and was loving

In her own way, but you could never really disagree with her . Also she was always

Leaving my father who was a great Dad she would pack her case and say she

Was going to throw herself in local river.

Bev. Sorry if I hijacked your post but towards the end of my mothers life

We got much closer and I did feel loved. She was mentally ill and didn't even know it

But in your case with stepsisters it's a bit different, she seemed to transfer her

Dislike and anger at your dad onto you. How terrible to be called sly,

Bev. But on the positive note I came from quite a cold family apart from

Dad. And I am a very warm and caring person. I learned a lot of what not

To do from looking at my family. You always come across as witty and honest

And caring and bright.

Ok Hun sending you a big cyber hug

Hannah x