Hi, I'm new here!

Came on this site although its Scottish and I'm in the south of the UK cos I'm not recovering and Scotland is sure a lot closer than South Africa which seemed to be the only other options. Don't get me wrong, I love Scotland, or at least some of it, especially Glasgow to Inverness inland. Had a BF/soul mate in Carrbridge but she died a few years ago.

Have suffered from depression/anxiety diagnosed as 'borderline personality disorder' and 'schizo affective disorder' previously 'bipolar' diagnosis for most of my life. Very outgoing when young but not good with peer groups. First attempted suicide at the age of 12/13 years old with OD of barbiturates. Assessed by psychiatrist 1 as 'normal'.

Didn't rear it's head again until I was in my mid 30's when I had a psychotic breakdown, tried to quit smoking at same time and ended up in A&E after a week of GP visits every day...given antibiotics, beta blockers etc then changed GP after 3 years and referred to psychiatrist 2 who put me on diazepam indefinitely. Wrecked my 3rd marriage, attempted suicide again by trying to drive into brick wall...failed miserably.

Was put on Nefazadone (still on diazepam) and was much improved. Met hubby no.4 and had 3/4 good years but then lost job (redundancy) and caved in again. Put on Melloril to calm me while finding inpatient place - Priory, Southampton. Psychiatrist 3 who added Effexor and Lithium to my ever growing arsenal of drugs.

Moved house (again) and totally lost it due to withdrawal of Nefazadone from UK market, 6 months of crying daily and wanting to cover my head with a plastic bag. Offered myself up to psychiatrist 4 who suggested inpatient treatment. I agreed so wasn't sectioned. Was in Poole psychiatric hospital for 3 months, taken off Effexor and lithium, lots of trials of different meds. Told that I was treatment resistant and offered ECT - anything that might stand a chance! Had 2 full courses (12 sessions) and came home limp, weary and disinterested in everything. Sat in a corner rocking for most days. By now I was taking Effexor again, plus Reboxetine, diazepam (never stopped that) and prochlorperazine.

That was 11 years ago and have been on a roller coaster of dysthymia to dreadfully down for most of the time since. ECT wiped 2 years off my memory which never returned and constant diazepam...now 30mg pd keeps my memory at bay.

Last year was diagnosed with COPD (smokers lung), no please...no more, cigs are all I have left! Don't drink, don't go out - now agoraphobic too.

If there's a god then my purpose is a complete mystery to me, if not I just got a bum deal when the genes were handed out.

Tried to quit smoking two weeks ago cos my wheezing was so bad I couldn't even cross the road, get upstairs...anything. Got to day 10 and BANG - floods of tears,I wanted to die etc.

How much more do I have to take? I'm now 56 and this has ruled/ruined my life. Awaiting 1st appointment with psychiatrist 5.

Yes, had CBT, tried yoga...all sorts...where do I go from here???


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11 Replies

  • An uncommon problem for agoraphobics getting out of breath crossing the road.

    If you're ready to die then go ahead and set your affairs in order and carry on smoking!

    smokers lung diagnosed last year and cigarettes not quit a tough cookie who has seen so much must not crumble now.

    Never give up on giving up!

  • I have to cross a road to get to the chemists for my meds and its right at the back of my house and the chemists is on the other side of it...not so far but as far as I go! I don't know what I want...just not to feel like I do!

  • That's an unfair comment. My Mum is agoraphobic but will manage to get to the shop for cigarettes. Survival instinct is stronger.

  • Thanks Suzie,

    Nice to know that at least some people stick up for each other here.


  • On your side too lucky.

    I'm agoraphobic and leave house to see GP, that's all.

    What was that first comment all about, ???

  • Survival instinct is not strong with cigarettes bringing death.

  • So what you're trying to say is that I'm committing suicide slowly, am I correct?

  • Sorry to hear how you're feeling lucky. Are you from South Africa originally? I have had dysthymia for as long as I can remember. I was born in South Africa and came to UK 12 years ago. The lack of sunshine doesn't help my condition and I feel particularly low all winter...seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I am going to try one of those solar lamps this year.

  • No, I was born in the UK but my Mum is Austrian...don't know if that might make a difference?

  • Hi Lucky

    I've just read your blog & my heart breaks for you. Luckily enough I have only had the pleasure of seeing 3 Physciatrists over a 20 year period. I too have been on the Venlafaxine at 375mg was my top dosage, however I have managed to get off them & now back on 60mg of Prozac. I was once on a drug called Largactil for a Physcotic phase I had. Thank God I have'nt experienced another.

    I am not agoraphobic but dont like leaving my home unless its for Dr, Hospital, Mums, Brothers or my local garage which is like a supermarket & try to go early or late in the day when I hopefully wont see anyone I know.

    I am from Belfast in Northern Ireland.

    I feel so sorry for you. You have & are still having such a hard time.

    I will keep you in my prayers tonight.


    Jackie xxx

  • Hi Jackie

    That's my daughters name too...a very pretty name!

    I read that you had a bad time with Venlafaxine but are OK with Prozac, I'm exactly the opposite but then that's a hefty dose of Venlafaxine...not recommended except for inpatient use, I'm on 225mg (300mg at worst). Prozac gave me a stomach ulcer.

    From what you've said, my psychiatrist would say you are agoraphobic as you're avoiding unknown or crowded places. I too will go to familiar places when it's quiet.

    We've both coped with this for a long time, a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour! lol

    I'm from Manchester originally but my husbands family are from down here in the Bournemouth area and all my family, daughter included are still up in Manchester so it's a bit lonely with just hubby.