I don't really think I have anything new to write, but I'm feeling particularly sad and low this week so I thought putting it in to words might help.
I started the week feeling ok but by the end of Monday I felt exhausted and came home and felt really tearful. I forced myself to go to work on Tuesday, I was late but I made it, because I had a meeting in the afternoon. I felt really uncomfortable in a room full of senior people and I didn't even end up contributing anything so I felt useless. I tried to continue the day and even agreed to work to the work Xmas party that evening. I don't stay too long and by the time I got home I just felt overwhelmed by being out with people, most of which I don't know how to talk to, and ended up in tears once more. I had a terrible night sleep and started to worry about work and when I woke up I really couldn't face going to work. I just want to hide away from the world at the moment. I haven't left my flat since Tuesday, although I might be brave this afternoon and go to the post office. I emailed my manager yesterday to try and explain how I was feeling. I didn't get a response so I worried even more and I'm scared that they're going to get rid of me. I do want to be able to do my job and deep down I know I can do it, I've done more difficult jobs before! I just can't seem to find my confidence to write and email or call anyone. It feels so ridiculous.
I did get a reply from my manager today to say if I come in tomorrow we can have a chat to make sure I'm ok. Initially I felt alright about this, but now I'm starting to worry again.
I just want this year to disappear so I can make a new start. But as much as I am looking forward to Xmas and spending time with my family, I'm already worried about whether I can hack the 'January Blues'
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katie2012
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I feel much the same as you do, apart I have been off work for 4 weeks now.
It sounds like you have kept on going for quite some time now, and you are getting to the point where you need more help... remember the old saying depression is not a sign of being weak, it is a sign of having been strong for too long.
We all keep going for too long, way too long, before we ask for help, we wait for a crisis, when in hindsight the signs have been there for a long time. For me my crisis was starting to cut myself in work, but in hindsight I should of sought help a long time before that.
I hope you are able to get help, now is not the time to worry about work, you need to put your well being first.
I have an appointment with my GP on Monday but I've just had a chat with my manager who has informed me that because I've had so much time off (mostly through no fault of my own) they can't sign my 6 month probationary period off and I need to show that I can do they job before they are satisfied that I can continue. So I've to to have another review in 6 months. On the one hand I do understand what they're saying but I feel really angry. They've told me not to worry, but how can I not? I hold them party responsible for destroying my confidence and self esteem. Part of me feels like giving up, and if it wasn't for the fact I need the money I probably would have quit there and then. On the other hand I want to prove them wrong...at least until I have the confidence to find another job.
well , sounds as if your job is there for 6 more months once you are up to going back, too right you felt angry, but does probation mean less stress?
It might not mean they are not satisfied with you, but need to follow protocol.
I think it sounds that they want you to be here and he wanted to put your mind at rest - I maybe wrong, but it sounds positive to me and a good response to your email. I hope so..
Can I ask, in that meeting where you didn't contribute, how many actually did? - not the chunnerers who make right noises; or the nodders. Think about how many were actually sitting quietly, with nothing to add - not useless, but attending as requested. If everyone joined in, meetings would never finish!
You seem exhausted and maybe need a review of your meds and time off. have you ever been offered a phased return? my friend goes in a few hours every other day and, it is helping her adjust after a few months off. she's slowly buiding up her confidence.
try and give work the benefit of the doubt if you can..
Hey thanks for replying, I actually meant 6 weeks so I do feel a bit pressured to get back to 'normal' quickly. And you're right, I am so exhausted. I think that's why my previous comment sounded a bit hysterical. I'm just so fed up of everything and because I still feel angry with my work for how they've treated me in the past part of me can't be bothered with it, but the rational part of me doesn't want them to win so that's what I'm trying to focus on.
The meeting was just me and my manager. In his defence he did ask if there was anything he could do to help but I felt a bit thrown by it all so I just shrugged, I was too tearful to speak. Now I've calmed down I do want to talk to him again to put my feelings across, hopefully without it sounding angry and petulant.
Thanks for everyone's support. I know I have my rants and it all seems a bit irrational but it has helped me to have somewhere I write everything down.
I hope everyone is doing ok x x
Oh Katie I do know how you feel. It does sound like they want to keep you at work if they are offering you another probation period.
Its possible that your manager may understand more than you realise. But he probably has to put down a sickness reason due to company policy.
Do you basically like the job? If so I would say try and put the anger on the back burner. And just do the best you can. No one can do more than their best!
I hated my last job and it brought out terrible stress and depression in me. I struggled on for over 5 years because I needed the money. My employers were a lot less caring then yours sound. I was eventually sacked for taking too much sick leave.
Even though I am not now working and living on benefits I am much happier to be out of that dreadful place. I can't find a job now because of my age and because I was sacked. But I still wouldn't trade that in for going back to the job. My health is more important than work.
I hope this has helped. Let us know how you get on please.
I don't really enjoy the job, so I don't feel any incentive to go to work or try. But I also don't feel like I have the confidence to look for a new job and go through the stress of interviews. Now I've had time to think about things over the weekend I have been able to think about it all a bit more rationally and I know I need to try and stick it out for now. I just find it so hard to get up and face the world on some days. I've had a good weekend though so hopefully that had given me a boost and tomorrow won't be so bad. I've only got a week to go before I go and spend some time with my family for Xmas so I'm just aiming for that to help me get through the week.
Yeah I understand that Katie. But please look for a job in the new year. If you don't like the job your confidence will start to go. And you will then find it difficult to believe in yourself enough to get a new job
Does your employer have an EAP programme? Give them a call and see what they say about the situation. Also go and see your GP so you have a record of 'activly managing' the situation, then if anything goes wrong you can prove you've done all you can. Also perhaps speak to your manager again as 6 weeks is not long enough given the situation. Best of luck xx
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Just trying the app out
I think I have more wrong with me than just depression :/
Not being understood-or am I just actually crazy?
Good Morning Everyone
I have been diagnosed with dysthymia...!
