Rock bottom

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for writing this.

I have a long, long history of depression and anxiety. Early this year I had come out of CBT and I was feeling OK. Not better, but OK. Now I'm a bad way again and I don't see how I will get out.

I don't trust my GP to help me. I've had to put in a formal complaint because I went to them try and get screening for a certain condition I thought could be contributing to my problems, I was told 'We've never heard of it', told I was just depressed, and they tried to put me back on anti depressants. I pushed and they promised to refer me to the correct people. It never happened. I have to go in next week to discuss it and I'm terrified. I've had several people offer to go in with me but I don't trust anyone. It's going to go horribly.

I'm really scared. I've fought for a long time to try and get better but neither medication or talking therapies have worked. If they won't what on earth else can I do? I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to punish myself for being so monumentally useless. I've admitted to self harm in the past before, but now I'm throwing myself into walls and punching myself in the head daily without even meaning too. I know I'm probably doing myself serious damage, but I'm too embarrassed to get help. If I tell my GP they'll never take me seriously again.

I'm lost. I don't know what to do any more.

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7 Replies

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  • hi, I'm sorry that things have come to this. Please don't punish yourself you are not in any way useless. You have a condition called depression and anxiety - as did Winston Churchill and, like you, me and many others, we find it overwhelming.

    You said that talking therapy helped "not better but ok" this is something to remember at times like these, that something has helped before and may help again.

    Although medications you've had before didn't work, new ones are being developed or old ones tweaked , the next one might help. might be worth another try.

    If you don't trust your GP, ask to see a different one. I tell mine exactly how I am,

    Have you thought of talking to people at MIND, SANE or the Samaritans? I've rang the Samaritans at times [they're not just or suicidal people] and found hat just saying out loud how I feel, or just crying,

    helps.

    I struggled with fibromyalgia for a long time as no-one had heard of it, well done for being strong and persistent!

    be kind to yourself, I know it might give temporary relief, but try not to self-harm.

    we are here for you. we all read at different times/days, but we do care. please keep in touch.

    regards,

    sandra.

  • HI BP,

    It must be awful not to trust your GP, I have a great GP whom has been nothing but helpful. Have you got friends who may recommend another GP who they have found to be good. You do not have to stay in the same practise, you have a right to move, and it is a simple form to fill in.

    We all feel useless when deeply depressed, it is normal, I feel like it myself a lot at the moment too.

    I too self harm. I cut myself several times a week at the moment. It can be hard to talk about this, as people who do not do it find it hard to understand, even my best and most trusted friends struggle when I have tried to talk to them about it. For me cutting is a release, if I have strong feeling of anxiety it calms me, and if I feel numb it makes me feel more alive. It sounds like you have different reasons to self harm, maybe you are punishing yourself?

    Take care

    Jonny

  • hi bp dont be afraid to tell your gp about how you have been feeling. they are there to help you and if they dont i would change my gp. best of luck. sonia

  • I'm changing GP in the new year, once I get my referral through for an ultrasound scan I need. Well, I hope it comes through, I can't exactly trust them to keep their promises. The way they've messed me about (FIVE appointments of 'Oh I don't know what's wrong with you' to get this), I'm going to suffer with this current physical ailment as well as my mental illness all through Christmas. Thanks guys!

    I've had a letter through from the local mental health centre, I had an assessment with them over a month ago (they told me they'd be in touch which me within a week, is it any wonder I don't trust anyone in the NHS?). I phoned them a couple of days ago and they said they were referring me to a women's psychotherapy place. I got the letter today and I found it it's a therapy group!! I know groups probably help a lot of people but I am NOT happy about this, I struggle just to try and sort my head out with one person in the room, a whole group?! No, not happy at all.

    Why will no one just give me the full picture? Can I not be trusted with all the details of my own health?

    The absolute kicker is that the issue I'm putting in the formal complaint about was that I was looking for help accessing screening for dyspraxia and dyscalculia, which I think, if I have them, are seriously contributing towards my mental health problems. I told the woman in the assessment all of this, and in the letter she just says, 'You need to go back to your GP to get the screening'. AM I TALKING TO MYSELF HERE?

    Had enough. i am trying to help myself, but I'm at the end of my rope and all I want to do is curl into a ball and die. Obviously I'm not worth helping.

  • the woman in the assessment may not know about the other conditions, The therapy group might help , you can just sit and not join in, it might help.

    you are worth helping, they might not have come up with what you need yet, but hopefully hey will soon.

    keep in touch,.

    sandra.

  • Hi

    I just left a comment on your blog but suddenly that an educational psychologist (such as my husband but probably not in your area) can assess you for the difficulties dyspraxia and incalcululia. I'm unsure how you get referred to one as an adult without having to go privately which will cost you - some psychologists charge around £350 for an assessment and report while I know of one who will charge you three times that at least for the same information just dressed up in a lengthier report. You can get info from the British Psychological Society of registered psychologists. Your GP may be able to refer you but whether he/she will is another matter, possibly if you are under a psychiatrist then he/she may be willing to refer you. You can get support from the Dyspraxia Foundation.

    Sue

  • Have you tried talking through the sytmoms with NHS direct? Im not sure how much it will help but if you get some more information you may sound more 'educated' in future conversations with your GP. You shouldnt have to do this of course but if it will make them listen it might be worth a shot x

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