Fighting a loosing battle

[Flukeyk]

The last time I suffered from depression was back in 2007, but I have never been right since. It has always affected me. I believe that my depression was the cause of my anxiety.

I've always found it difficult facing hard tasks, being late or feeling that I have offended someone and worried about it for days. Trying to cope with these tasks led to panic attacks, crying and just being snappy with people.

What sparked my depression in 2007 was a relationship breakdown.

Since 2012 I have been in a 5 year relationship, which has come to an end. For the past year I spoke to my partner and tried to express I wasn't feeling myself, but she didn't believe me. This is probabaly because I am great at covering it up with my "happy and humourous" attitude.

Low libido has meant we have had no sex life for over a year and for her this has always been important. She was not afraid to tell me this and I felt like I had a lot of pressure on me. This only made me feel more nervous and anxious about having sex.

I knew things were in a rocky road when she wouldn't let me hold her hand, or touch her like I used to. She didn't want me anymore. This didn't help with the pressure of wanting to have sex.

I know I love her, but I don't feel it. I know I am happy, but I also feel numb to everything.

I would love to say that she would want to work on things, but she no longer loves me and I would be fighting a battle that has already been lost.

She has left me in our flat while she stays with her friend and in a mad rage I packed all my stuff away. Now I feel stupid, because it just says to her "it's over" and I don't want it to be.

I feel as though she has felt like leaving me for a long time. We havnt been in a relationship, we havnt been engaged, we have just been friends living with each other.

She said she still loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore.

I havnt told her about my depression or anxiety. I don't want to use this as an excuse or a reason for why another one of my relationships have ended.

It is today I have been to the doctors, and been given Setraline to take and given me a number for a councillor. I've been signed off work, as we have a big project and I just can't face it at the moment.

Think it's time I don't hide anymore and start to talk about my issues.

It's hard to admit that my relationship has ended, in my heart I hope not, but in my head I know. I feel broken and lost,

[Flukeyk]

That's the problem, I don't want another fish.

[Flukeyk]

Thank you.

[Flukeyk]

Update: officially over and moving in with my mum on Monday after 5 years.

I asked my partner (should be called something else now but feels too real if I do) if she could not forget about us and consider us again in the future.

At least she has been honest and said she can't say that because that is what I will be waiting for.

I am always hopeful, however my aim is to get myself better and avoid contact with her as much as possible. She might miss me, she might not? Time heals all wounds and I need time for mine to heal and find myself again.

Since I was 18 I have never not been in a relationship, albeit a few months in between. I have always been enjoying my "single freedom" when someone has stole my heart.

The road is going to be hard, but when is anything ever easy?