What'd going on in my head?

I'm new here, so I feel like I should share a little bit of backstory. Since I was 11 years old, I received support from CAMHS to help tackle the issues I had with anxiety so i've always had a bit of a bumpy road with mental health. These days I have very, very few issues with anxiety, I'm a pretty confident person, a job and I also study science at University. Despite having a great life at the moment, I enter phases of depression which seem impossible to get out of, at the minute I am not seeking help for this as the depression seems to come in waves rather than being a constant problem.

Ive developed a low self esteem that's seemingly came out of nowhere, I'm not a shy person and ive always been pretty confident in myself, but recently I've been really stuggling with my self image and when I have bad days I have suicidal thoughts such as 'nothings ever going to change so why should I keep trying' & ' Everything in my life is a failure and I'm never going to be successful'. I know these thoughts aren't normal or rational but they can be over whelming.

Ive always been very up and down and when I spiral into a depressive period, it can take several months for me to get a grip of things again. At the moment I don't feel as depressed as I have been in the past and I am functioning as normal. Normally when I do get depressed I struggle to maintain self care and my social life etc, so its feels unusual to have such strong thoughts when overall I feel okay?

I know I should probably visit my doctor and explain what's going on in my head but I feel that because I'm not constantly depressed and sometimes these periods only last a few weeks they wont take me seriously as sometimes I'm completely fine. ( I also just want to mention that these periods aren't followed by episodes of extreme happiness or anything like that)

Can anyone say that they've ever been in a situation like this? Or share any advice for how they manage feelings such as these? Its so difficult to describe how I can be okay sometimes and other times I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do or how I can make things better for myself.

1 Reply

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  • Hello Gleigh, yes I think most of us have experienced similar situations. I would write out a brief summary of what you have written here and visit the student health centre at your university and also the university doctor on campus if there is one, if not a ,or preferably your,GP. The point if writing it out is that your GP can read it in a minute but unless you're unusually gifted in concise clear speech it will take far longer to explain it.

    I can assure you that the GP will take it extremely seriously and will probably offer medication, therapy, or both. Whatever happens you will feel better for having discussed it with the student health centre and GP. Human brains/minds do not respond well to helplessness and discussing it means you are taking some action to resolve the problem i.e. being less helpless. There is unfortunately no medication or therapy that totally cures these problems and we all rely on the medication helping to a greater or lesser extent and use our own inner strength to make up the shortfall. It is n't easy.

    For what its worth I personally do not feel from your post this is as serious an issue as most types of depression , and also you have the strength to cope well. Never the less you must do something constructive about it if you wish to improve things for yourself. Finding out as much as you can about it from the web is also a useful thing to do as long as you brace yourself for the surprise that so little is known about the cause and cure of these conditions. There's plenty of literature but when you've suffered depression on and off for as long as many of us you'll realise that in reality little is known or understood. We just refuse to let it affect our lives too much.

    Olderal

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