I wish to end it all! I'm tired of life and I want to give up!

Hi. I'm a young female adult in my mid-twenties. I live with my grandma and it's only us two in the house. Just a little of my history, I've been suffering from mental illness for about 8 years now and I can't seem to get my life together. Depression, low self-esteem and abuse has been pulling me down for years. I can't seem to get out of this hole I'm in no matter how hard I try to stay on the right path, I always end back at square one. Here's my issues I'm still getting over my parents divorce which happened about 20 years ago. I don't have a relationship with my real dad and quite frankly I don't care to ever have a bond with him, I don't hate him but I'm disgusted by the way he treats his family and what he did to me and my mom. I do reconized that I have deep rooted resentment towards him that has gotten worse over the years. So basically my real dad is and always has been a piece of shit dispite him now "turning over a leaf" what a load of crap. Anyway he is irrelevant to this, and as for my mom she has been pretty decent support over the years, but as of late our relationship has been rocky due to her attitude and religion. She also suffered from depression due to her and my dad terrible relationship in the past. So my childhood hasn't been too great and as an adult my life had gotten worse. I've cried more as an adult than when I were a kid. Even though I was poor and bullied as a teenager in school I still was tougher than I am now. When I was younger I was shy and quiet and I'm more of an introvert now. It's 2017 and I STILL self harm and I'm ashamed of the fact that I still fight with this. Everyone around me including​ my mom tells me that I know better, but when you're​ sick in your head it's hard battling this for so long. These people just don't understand me and that's why I isolate myself and I don't socialize much anymore. It doesn't matter to me that I'm attractive, smart, nice, kind etc... I still feel like a broken mess inside. All my romantic relationships failed and that's made my depression and self esteem worse! I'm not close with any of my other family members and I've always had issue with my cousins. So basically I have no real love life because I struggle to meet someone who actually cares about me. Everyone seems too carnal for me and that's a turn off, men only use and abuse me I allow it because I feel worthless and lonely feeling like the only way to be loved (even if it is superficial) by a man is to sleep with them, but I feel so horrible afterwards. I work once a week far away because our economy hasn't recovered in years. So I have no money and I'm barely getting by and trying to help my grandma with the bills etc ... I have no help and nobody loves or cares about me except my mom and even she is neglecting​ me because she is going through her problems with losing her job so I don't go by her or call her. I don't take my meds because I smoke weed to cope with how horrible my life is. I think about suicide a lot and I've been admitted to the psych ward a few months back from a mental break down. I have no real close friends or family to cry to. I don't have a car so I stay home in my room sleeping all day and barely eating, avoiding all contact with everyone. At one point I did get my life a little bit on track but I lost the motivation or will to do the things I like and that which betters me as a person on the whole. I feel so empty inside, like something is missing from my life. I feel also like I don't belong here I'm a deep over thinker I'm overly sensitive, with anger issues. On top of mental illness I also have physical health problems. My head hurts every day from stress. Why can't I just die so I could have eternal rest and some peace of mind.

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  • A long list of problems - such is the distortions of depression. But what about the positives - a good relationship with your gran, a roof over your head, a job, a caring mother. If you can write down 3 positives each day it will help. Otherwise talking treatments, ? medication review with your doc

  • Hi you don't have peace of mind when you are dead because you have nothing then. You won't feel or think or anything.

    Are you on any meds and/or doing any counselling? Once you start tackling your issues you can start to feel better about yourself.

    I faced a similar crisis in my mid 20's too. I was very depressed and friendless with no family support at all. I was on my own. I reached a point when I realised I couldn't go on the way I was so my choices were to end it or to do everything in my power to learn to get the things I needed in life. I went to counselling and started to do more things for myself.

    By the time I was 30 I was at university as a mature student, made friends, got 2 kittens, bought my own flat in London, went abroad for the first time, and found a hobby which I am still passionate about. The more I did the more confident I became. Nothing will change unless you make it and if you carry on doing the same old all you will get is more of the same.

    I always kept the first option as a sort of comfort blanket which I could always still do if I wanted to. I am mainly glad I chose the 2nd option though. Life hasn't already been easy since then and I still suffer from depression but it is manageable most of the time now.

    You owe it to yourself to give yourself every chance to have the sort of life you want and deserve. If you are not sure what you want then think about what you don't want.

    I hope this has helped a bit. Take care.

  • oh sweetheart i do feel for you,i have children your age and would be devastated if i thought the way you feel about your parents and your life,that they thought that way of me.you cant be held responsible for there actions,easy to say i know,i had a terrible childhood and early adult life,i carried the guilt with me for a long while because i thought it was my fault and that i was not a good father to my children as i could have been,i like you over analysed everything trying to dig as deep down as i could to work things out from when i was a kid,first off i know you think it helps but you need to come off the wacky bacca ,it makes people so paranoid and makes things seem so much more intense than they actually are,i know smoking a joint makes you forget and puts you in a better place or so you think for a short while ,but ive been there and so have many others on this site but your probs have got a nasty habit of escalating when your back in reality ,im not gonna lecture you but not taking your meds does not help yourself either,why should you be ashamed of yourself only you can change that ,you know yourself that you desperately need some professional help but it will not come to you my love you have to make the first move and seek it as you have by posting on this site,how does your grandmother feel about all this ?does she know how you feel? if not show her this post if you think you cannot approach her,or is it that you do not want her to know what your going through because you dont wnt to worry her about it,i think you might be surprised on how much she does know about you,you are so desperate to be loved that your picking the wrong decisions to find it,sleeping with guys that you think will love you for ever more when they are only after one thing and once they have got it they are off,and where does that leave you???so please hang on in there because there is such a wonderful ,loving soul that wants a better deal of the cards than you have had ,i have commented on your post and shared it hoping that others can help you and the professional people that read this can offer you the help you deserve to move on.i know you want to by reading your post so embrace all the help people offer,but think you need to go back to docs and show him this post and hopefully they can steer you to be on the right path and live this life you so want ,i do hope you find it and best wishes for your future happiness my love

  • Hi RenBlake. I want to start by saying that the way you are feeling is not unusual for someone who is depressed. I also want acknowledge your bravery in expressing it.

    I can only really share things that have helped me and one big thing that helped and still helps me is a form of meditation called mindfulness. You can find out more about my story by clicking on the butterfly picture and going to my profile. I suffered 40+ years of depression, and a lot of it just longing to not be alive any more and I can still get moments like that when I am feeling stressed but now I recognise it as a warning of something else.

    I am not going to tell you that what worked for me will work for you because we are all different individuals and need to find our own paths but starting with understanding ourselves and accepting ourselves is a very good starting point.

    One book I found very useful was 'Mindfulness:A practical guid to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams and Danny Penman - it came with a CD of metidations that I still find useful at times.

  • when you get to my profile click on the 'read more' in the box at the top just under my name.

  • Please try to wean yourself off the cannabis. I used to use it heavily, but one day, it really bit me. I plunged into a paranoid psychosis, which is the most terrifying thing that has ever happened. I gave up the weed, but after that, it still took about three years until I felt normal again. Just think about it anyway. xx

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