Someone tell me what to do !

I haven't left my house in nearly a year i do go to my hospital appointments but that's it . On the 5th of may it was a year since my mum past way and I keep replaying​ the morning she died . I got up with my son at 6 am for school I said bye at 7 and instead of going in to my mum I could hear she was still breathing through the door I went back to bed I was so tired I got up at 8 mum had past away I wasn't with her she was on her own I will never forgive myself . When the nurse came I made myself help her to get mum washed and change​d , the last time my mum needed me I was asleep I let her down . I would give anything to spend those last moments . I miss her so much , yes I have bpd and ms and I'm in pain most of the time , I think it would be easier to give up I've no fight left in me . We have been through so much the past year and I still can't see a light at the end of the tunnel .

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  • I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost ny partner sixteen days ago. I heard your loved ones often wait until you leave the room or are not there to pass away. She knew you loved her. I know it's hard. Pm me anytime.

  • mysmugcat: Yes, from what I have experienced, they do. Many people I have spoken with have said that they left for an hour to shower, change, and eat. It was at that time their loved one passed. My father waited as well. My mother and I held vigil at his bedside for 6-8 hours. The nursing staff came in to wash him and change his sheets. We took that opportunity to go downstairs and get a couple of sandwiches as we hadn't eaten. We were gone for 15 minutes. He passed at that time. The nursing staff said it happened about 5 minutes after we left.

    Prior: For a long time I blamed myself. My father passed on a Tuesday. That Monday we got a call that he was awake and coherent. My mother went to visit him but I was so exhausted from all the trips to the hospital that I didn't listen to my gut and go see him. I justified it as he was getting better, he'd pull through it like all the other times. The next day we got a call that he had taken a turn for the worse and then he passed once we stepped out of the room.

    I still have times where I regret not going, but my mother has told me that he was awake, but incoherent. I believe he knew I was there at the end because just before we stepped out of the room, I had kissed him and told him that it was okay for him to go, that I would be alright (I was 17 at the time). He knew I loved him and I believe he purposely waited until I was out of the room.

    It sounds like your mother was sleeping when she passed, which seems like an incredibly peaceful way to pass. She knew you loved her and that you would be okay. Please forgive yourself, as your mother would want you to. Take solace in the fact that you were there for her in her last days.

  • Have you tried phoning Cruse Bereavement Care if in the UK they are good.

  • Forgive yourself. Stop blaming urself, all this negative will bring your health down. You have to take care of urself for your son.what is done is done. If you knew your mom was about to die, you wouldn't just curl into bed and sleep. You didn't know. Focus on your health and cherish your positive memories with your mother.

  • how is your son taking all this ? is he old enough to look after himself ? it must be very hard for him losing his grandma and then in a way losing his mother.. is there any other family living with you that is helping.

  • Hello Prior, you seem to me to be torturing yourself unnecessarily. What exactly do you think you did the morning that your Mum died that was unreasonable ? Whether or not you could hear your Mum breathing if she had needed you she would almost certainly have called out and woken you. It sounds as if its almost certain your Mum passed away peacefully in her sleep which is the way we would all like to go.

    I'm sorry you have bpd and ms but you have the reward of a useful life raising your son and should not be thinking that your Mum needed you and you were asleep.

    Olderal

  • Hi I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear mum. I have to agree with the others though that you are beating yourself up unnecessarily. You are not a mind reader and had no idea that she was going to pass when she did. She could have gone anytime as you couldn't have been there 24/7. Instead of blaming yourself praise yourself for being there for her and realise what a loving caring daughter you were. You mum knew how much you loved her - honestly.

    Now you have got to start moving on with your life and putting your son first. He needs a mother who is there for him not one who is bogged down in guilt. This is not fair on him. Start going out again but do it slowly maybe just to the end of the road or something to start with. Before you know it you will able to take your son out and about again.

  • i went to see my mum in hospital the day she died and i was early and i didnt want the nurses complaining if i went in to early so i went to the cafe and when i went in at visiting time she had passed away just a few minutes earlier.( The nurse's were cleaning up ,the smell, just like my mum to leave a message for me.) I was glad that i hadnt actually seen my mum pass away as i dont know if i would ever have recovered from that and i do believe whats meant to be will be. `I know im making a joke of that situation but my mum would want me to do that.

  • I was with my mother when she passed, and it was the worst experience of my life. She had various seizures and tried to call out just before she died. Obviously, even if I had known it was going to be like this I would still have been with her - but it has damaged me, and I know that is the last thing mum would have wanted. You didn't have to go through this, and I am sure that's what your mum would have wanted so take comfort in that. I doubt your mother suffered, as you would have heard her if she had. But you won't go through your life burdened with the tragic memories of you mother's last few moments, and no parent would want that for their daughter. She'd have been happy just to know you were nearby. My experience has left me in no doubt that If I had children, I wouldn't want them with me at the end.

  • My Mother passed last year as well, I was with her for her last few hours I swear I saw her last breath. Mum didnt even know my Brother and two of my Sisters +myself were there tbh. On the 16th of November last year I was speaking to my father(he ran away with the babysitter when I was a year old) on the phone and he was talking rubbish like he usually did when he had had a drink! Then the phone went dead I kept trying to call him back but it went to voicemail.The next evening two Police officers arrived at my home I knew why they were there and said before they did "I take it my Dads dead" they said sorry yes. I know I was with my Mum when She passed I blamed myself that my Dad was alone but at his funeral I realised he died how he lived with a glass of Vodka by his side his tv on and a ciggarette in the ashtray hands clasped behind his head! He passed peacefully knowing I had forgiven him so I now am glad I had taken the time and effort to know him and though I regret not being there I know he knew I was there for him if you understand what I mean Im not good at explaining

  • Hi. I'm sorry about your mother. I still have my mom. But I have lost people I loved and I understand. A very dear friend of mine that had become more a grandfather to my children and part of my family became very sick w cancer. I took care of him for so long. When the end came his daughters moved him far away and I was so sad. I thought I'd be there with him at the end. A few weeks later I got a call. He wanted to see me. He was medicated and calling my name. It took almost two days by bus. But I spent two days by his side. I groomed him . The daughters had not shaved him or cut his nails. I was sickened by the lack of care. He had not been fed and couldn't have eaten as his mustache was so long it covered his mouth . While I was there. Even under very strong medicine he begged me to take him away from there and tried to climb out of his bed. I had to leave. My children were being watched by their father and I had to get home to them. They were still young and couldn't be alone. The guilt was overwhelming. I got a call three days later that he passed. He begged me to remove him from that home. It still gets to me. But I ask you this. What would you tell me in my situation ? How would you advice me ? I left him and went home to take care of my children that he had grown to love n nurture. I wonder if you can find the answer to your breakthrough in your response to my pain. Would you condemn me? Or would you tell me to set myself free from the guilt. ? Love always. Love everyone. Love your kids. Love yourself. Love your mom. Smile. You will see her again someday. 🙏🏼❤️

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