Depression. Maybe BPD

Hi. I've never posted on a forum like this before so I'm not sure how it works. I want to share my experiences.

I was diagnosed with depression last year after a few failed suicide attempts. I didn't want to feel that way anymore and I hadn't been able to end it so I saught help. I took part in CBT for about a year before being dismissed for the children's clinic because I turned 18. At the time I thought I would be fine because I was feeling much better.

However, recently I've been feeling the same way again. I've tried the tactics I learnt but they seem more like a distraction than an actual help. The only reason I don't kill myself I'd because I fear I'm the only thing stopping my mum get back with my abusive farther.

I am interested in psychology so was looking into BPD. I noticed it had similar symptoms to depression but a few other things that I identify quite strongly with. For example feelings that are almost like hallucinations. I sometimes feel almost as though I am being stabbed in the throat (but I don't feel pain) I am also quite emotionally static and have poor judgement when it comes to trust. This leads to relationship problems. For example when I met my ex within two weeks I told him about my self harm and suicidal feelings. I was scared but I felt I should trust him. He ended up being quite abusive and using this against me. I think this is because I overwhelmed him by telling him everything I felt. Even if it was something negative about him. On the other hand, I have been dating my current boyfriend for 8 months and he has been nothing but kind and lovely and trustworthy. But I still can't bring myself to tell him anything. He prompts me to talk to him if I need help (he guessed before we were dating I had depression) but he never pushes me to tell him anything I feel uncomfortable with. I know it makes him sad that he doesn't know what's wrong so can't help but I just can't trust him. I fear he doesn't really like me or that he will cheat on me even though I have no reason to think that. I think I am managing to keep the relationship by not telling him these things. If I told him he'dbe upset I didn't trust him and break up with me.

All these feelings are getting too much for me and I'm wondering wether to try and get a referral to therapy again but in the adult section. Although I'm scared how they might diagnose me. Or that they might try and prescribe me medication (I really don't want to become dependant on it) and I'm also scared because I'll have to do it by myself this time as I'm an adult whereas last time my mum supported me the whole way through. My first diagnoses also upset her. I don't want to upset her again.

10 Replies

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  • hi, you're not alone we are all here to support each other, tell you're mother just because you are 18 doesn't mean she won't support you, my son his 19 we support him and would take him any where for help, as for medication if you need it to help you get better than why not, go and see the gp see what he say, remember the online test are not 100% and a lot of mental illness overlap each other. Take care.

  • Thank you ^-^

  • Hi.

    I have recently been diagnosed with EUPD(BPD) and my psychiatrist has said that there are no proven medications that help. Alltho I am on antidepressants as I had previously been prescribed these by the doctors for my depression. He feels strongly that therapies such as CBT, DBT and courses in coping with emotions have much more evidence in helping to deal with this disorder than medicine so I would say that if you don't want medication there is no reason any doctors should make you feel pressured into taking them. I did lots of research into BPD and do agree that I have it but I feel that so many mental health problems could be something else that we will probably never be sure and that we don't need a label to get the help. My CPN has been fantastic and so patient as I do not tell the truth about my feelings easily as I don't want other people to worry or to push them away but I have learnt to realise she is there to help me not to be my friend! I would try to speak to your partner, it sounds like he will be supportive and just wants to be able to help you. Maybe just tell him small bits at a time then you can judge his reaction as to whether you feel comfortable telling him more or not. I hope you get the help and support you need, don't be afraid to ask and just remember you are in charge not the doctors.

    L x

  • Thank you ^-^ it is so encouraging to get advice from someone with experience. I will try and be brave enough to do these things. Haha

  • It's not easy!! I try to just take baby steps...

    L x

  • I just thought I should let you know I'm headed in the right direction. I spoke to my partner and he was so wonderful and supportive. I am feeling less scared now. Thank you so much for your encouragement

  • Yay. Well done!! I bet you feel so relieved, at least now you know you got his support. He can back you up and help you with things in the future now :) such a massive step to take. I'm here if you need a chat.

    L x

  • If you ever want to pm I'm here. Thinking of you. You must look after your health :)

  • Thank you so much ^-^

  • I'm alone and will never trust anyone that's coming from a guy who has never been in a relationship I do hope you get the affection you deserve and so sorry that you have had to endure the worst side of humanity god bless you

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