Broken

This is the first time I am opening up on here. It is especially hard for me because I feel as if I don't have a major triggering traumatic event or moment to onset this depression and anxiety that I am feeling. On top of that, I am only 26 years old who most would think has a pretty good life (on the outside at least) and I feel like there should be no reason for me to feel this way.

I had a similar episode of depression and anxiety 3 years ago, when I was a senior in College. For months, I did all the things your not supposed to do (isolate yourself, eat poorly, not ask for help) and it was one of the most difficult times of my life. Eventually, I asked for help, reached out to friends and family, found a therapist, and was able to conquer the battle.

Since then, I decided that I wanted to be an advocate for mental health by using my goofy and silly personality to make people smile and be that shoulder to lean on for anyone going through a tough time. I wanted to be the person that I wish I would have had by my side when I was battling depression. For the last 6 months, I was doing just that for my friends, family, and my community and I truly felt as if I had found my purpose. Then, in March, after a vacation nonetheless, the depression and anxiety came back with full force.

Since then, I feel as if I have slowly been disintegrating. My bed traps me in the mornings with dark thoughts ruminating in my head. My self-care habits seem pointless. I lack the motivation to do anything, which makes it especially difficult looking for work. The worst is the constant cloud over my head and inability to concentrate enough to hold conversations with people. This part especially hurts because my vibrant personality and ability to talk with people were my only real skill, without it, I feel like I am a complete idiot. I can't express myself and feel as if I am drawing a complete blank in my head all the time. DOES ANYONE FEEL LIKE THIS TOO?

This episode has caught me so off guard that I can't muster up the energy to do the things I know I need to do. For about a month and a half now, I have been trapping myself in my parent's house escaping by watching TV. I am afraid of everything and am avoiding interactions with anyone. The numbness and blank head space have me feeling like I am mentally and emotionally broken and defeated.

2 Replies

oldestnewest
  • I understand how being ill made you feel isolated, and how you wanted someone to be there for you. I feel the same. However afterwards, you were still recovering, and trying to be all upbeat and supportive must have been a strain. Maybe what you could do though is, when you feel better this time, look for new friends who will be the supportive friend you will appreciate if you go through another depressive episode, or who may even help you avoid another episode. Remember, even therapists have to attend regular therapy sessions in order to remain strong and effective.

    Might also be an idea to ask your doctor about bipolar depression, as the cycle of manic upbeat behaviour with depressive episodes are sending warning signs to me.

  • Hello aladdin, most depression does n't have a triggering event that can be identified. Some depression does ,reactive depression, but this is usually far easier to deal with and the event triggering it probably won't happen again so its far less to worry about. Also getting a spell of depression has very little to do with one's circumstances or success in life, and your reaction to the spell you had in College was pretty typical of reaction to depression. You did well to eventually come through it , most of us do but its not easy.

    The spell you are now having also sounds pretty typical and the depression will be telling you you are performing and functioning much worse than you actually are. The depressed mind ,which you would assume is on our side, actually becomes an enemy and constantly talks us down, which makes us more depressed and it becomes a vicious circle. However, there is good news ,just as you don't know what threw you into this ,its likely that over a few days it will end, and again you'll never know why it ended. When this will happen is unpredictable but most depressive spells end within six months or less.

    Obviously you want to shorten this if possible, so again reach out to friends and family, consult your GP for medication and /or therapy, take exercise ,preferably in the open air, develop healthy eating and sleeping habits, and force yourself to keep in social contact, much more than you describe at the moment. You're not broken and defeated ,you are in literally a battle with a formidable enemy, depression. Its a battle you are going to win.

    Its likely if this is your second spell of depression you will get others so you can't afford to think of yourself as broken and defeated. You're going to win,again, and the skills you 'll develop in fighting this one will stand you in good stead if it does recur. I'm pretty old and have had more of these battles than I like to remember but it is n't going to beat me and I'm sure it won't beat you. As a bonus I've had many very happy and contented spells of happiness, just as you will. Hang in there , without going into detail there are good reasons to think medical science will have this problem beaten in 10-15 years and will probably improve treatment before then. It will be a bit late for we oldies but you'll still be a youngish person.

    Olderal

You may also like...