How do I stop holding grudges?

Hi, I've lately been good at managing my anxiety but now I have to deal with a bit of depression. Part of it comes from holding grudges against people who I no longer talk to anymore. I would go into detail about it but I want to keep it private.

How I do I stop holding childish grudges over people (and the things they've said) I no longer interact with? I want to stop soon so I don't further damage my health at a later age.

12 Replies

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  • Hello Marco, really glad you're dealing well with your anxiety and I think you're wise to want to stop holding grudges. I don't know how to stop but maybe remembering its not immediately obvious why pride and envy were often listed among the seven deadly sins.

    I think its probably because they can be so destructive to oneself and relationships and I would think holding grudges could have a similar effect.

    Olderal

  • The best way to stop holding grudges, i'v found. is to look at the situation fully and acknowledge it fully and look to see where you may yourself have been at fault, as sometimes we should have said no and did not or were afraid to stand up for ourself. when you have done this fully and have taken responsibility for your actions. as many times its ourself we are mad at but quickly blame others. NOT always. make a decision and tell yourself you have dealt with this and the next time it come into your mind you put it away you just remind yourself that you have alraeady dealt with it. no need to fan the flames again. bury it and never let it see the light of day again. you will soon forget it. this is not ignoring some pain or unresolved emotional pain this is different as you have already had it out and had a good look at the situation. its like a wound and a scab and every time you let it into your mind and fan the flames again then you are picking at the scab and the wound will never heal. believe me there are not many bigger mugs than me and iv learned to do this as the ammout of grudges i'v had were many. lots of them were my own fault as i was a people pleaser and i also have a good heart to, which i have to watch as its got to be for the right reasons. i often look at my own motives. hope this helps.

  • Thanks Grace

    I've had a nasty habit of letting negativity consume my mental energy to the point of anxiety and depression. I've let the negative opinions of others rule me down and I can no longer trust my own opinions anymore. It's so frustrating and I wish the suffering could end!

  • well we have to be very careful to try and keep our peace of mind there is always some nasty person waiting to steal it from us. i work very hard on myself and challenges arise constantly where some nasty peace of work wants to take away my peace. not worth it. they often come in the diguise of sheep but in reality they are wolfs in sheeps clothing. i must congratulate you on keep anonymouse about your grugde as i threw mine before swine and it was trampled on. If it helped you then that makes it worth it. love grace xoxoxo

  • I will. I wish my mind would just give me peace again so I can enjoy my hobbies and live a life free of seeking approval from others and constantly thinking on whether or not my opinions should be trusted or not. I've been addicted to the internet far too much and as a result I'm left in despair over my past. Sometimes I feel I'm wasting precious time doing the things I love when this stupid anxiety and depression can't let me. I hope you are alright too and best of luck. xxx

  • you have to know marc, that you control your mind it does not control you. so dont let it. can you get some counceling to help with this. At the end of the day its what you think of yourself that really matters. if you love yourself and know that your a good person inspite of all your faults thats what is important at the end of the day. try and be kind to yourself and treat yourself very gently. you can get on with your life and enjoy your hobbies maybe you just need counseling to get you onto the right road. all the best to you. love grace xoxoxo 🌺

  • Hi I do the same thing as Grace and it does work. I chew each one over and decide on a plan of action. I either choose to ignore it, say something when I get the chance, or apologise if I was at fault.

    Once you get to that stage you have resolved it and put it to bed once and for all.

    I am learning now to try and deal with it when it happens but that's not always possible. I was in a group with 3 other women and suddenly one of them out of the blue said to me 'You are half man anyway'. I immediately said 'That's not very nice is it'? and left it at that. One the way home she apologised to me and said she didn't mean it. I said 'Why did you say it then'? Problem resolved. Otherwise it would have rankled and I would have let it get to me.

    Another time at work I asked a team leader a question. She snapped my head off and said she was at lunch. I was upset. Later I said to her calmly 'I apologise for disturbing your lunch break as I didn't realise, but please don't shout at me like that again. She just looked at me and I walked away. She didn't do it again though. This is scary at first but I am getting better at it.

    It's very good you recognise that for your own sake you need to show your boundaries to people who are out of order with you. Remember you have as much a right to complain to someone about their behaviour as they have to upset you. Trust your own feelings and go with them.

  • Great answer lilaclil. I'm a past master at holding grudges and it stems from the fact that I shy away from confronting the person who has upset me. Deciding on a course of action (dealing with the person, or deciding to let it go, if that feels right) and sticking with your decision so you can move forward is the best way.

  • I applaud your braveness, I have yet to overcome this and I'm now isolated as to not have to confront my fears. I always avoid conflict as I can't cope with negative so I simply hide away. I have very low self asteem and it has affected me badly. Nightmare

  • Hi I guess it depends on what has happened or has been said to make Marc feel like this. We all have our reasons for being here and to be blunt to some that are very vulnerable will be challenging to cope with. We all have our own way of wording things which can sound rude, but be careful even if you didn't mean anything offensive..

  • Point taken. I appreciate your opinion, Pam

  • No worries

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