Can't get over my past

I wish there was a pill I could take to forget horrible memories. Does anyone constantly replay things over and over in there minds?

I had quite an abusive childhood. My mum had a string of men/ new dads for us who where quite fond of a drink. One in particular should beat me and my siblings on many occasions.

A small example of his cruelty.. at the age of ten my mother was diagnosed with quite a life threatening illness and was in hospital for sometime. One afternoon after I had finished school I was called down with my sister to the front room and told to sit down on the sofa. The monster informed us that social services had been told of my mums illness.. I don't know why this would have upset him but he beat me in all places (apart from my face and hands) then told me and my sister to clean our selfs up as the social would be over soon and if we didn't act like we was happy we would get more of it.

Another time maybe a year later my mother took an overdose bear the Christmas holidays... I came home from school to be told she was dead. What kind of monster does that. She walked in the door ten minutes later acting slightly drunk but other that that fine.

These two stories are just the tip of the iceberg.. I struggled with abuse for years and years from my step dad then straight on to my first boyfriend.

I'm now with an amazing man and have a amazing child.. but I can't let go of the past. What's wrong with me?

7 Replies

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  • Hello Anna0089, welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are having a difficult time right now. As a child I experienced daily physical, emotional and sexual abuse and neglect. I, thankfully, grew up and took control over my own life, making my own mistakes (many), making my own decisions (some good, some bad, some let's not even go there,) and learning through the experience of life and all that she throws at us.

    You ask 'why can't I let go of the past?' As if our past is some kind of ship that is going to leave port and never return home. That is not going to happen, as much as I wished and prayed for this to happen, it didn't. Why? well it's like this, however much I hated what happened to me, however much I hated those who had abused me, the fact is, I survived. I survived every indignity, unfairness, hurt and injustice ever perpetrated against me I. No matter what they did, I won, because I survived. You survived too. You are a survivor. Believe me I KNOW how much strength, character and intelligence that takes! The sad thing is that, although we survived, we still carry all that stuff in our heads and in our hearts. No one has invented the little blue pen in Men In Black, and so we can't forget. Sure we can push it down, cover it up, pretend it doesn't matter, didn't happen, use alcohol, drugs, food allmost anything to distract ourselves from what is there, but regardless of what we try to do, it is still there. That is why you can't let go of your past, it is part of who you are, like your eyes, hair, kidneys, etc.

    Ok, now don't panic, I am not saying that your past has to dominate your present or your future. Your past needs to learn it's place, i.e. it is your past, not your present, not your future. If your past is troubling you, and yours, quite understandably is, it is your past wanting some attention. That might sound quite odd, but your past needs to be looked at, examined, and recalled in excruciating detail. When you have done this, your past will become what it is....your past, interesting but it does not dominate you or define who you are and what you can be.

    The best, best place to do this is in therapy. It is a safe space where you can reveal everything, nothing, anything about yourself. I have had about 8 lots of therapy in my life (I am 48), some short term, some long, some private and some provided by the NHS. All of it has been helpful. All of it has been hard work. I would recommend you go and see your GP and explain what is happening. I don't know how old you little one is, if you still have a Health Visitor, you could tell them. The hardest thing is to tell someone you need help, but remember, we are survivors, and nothing can be as bad as childhood eh!

    It does get better, believe me. The great thing is that you recognise you need some help. Your past is very present in your mind at the moment, it does fade but pops up again when you least want it/expect it.

    One of my therapists told me to remember that my past was about me as a child. Sometimes children can demand attention, why not give your child, the child that survived all that horror, some attention.

    I do hope that, this gives you hope, and maybe some ideas. Keep in touch.

    Take care,

    Fi

  • Thank you fi,

    I wasn't sure anyone would even reply so it means a lot.

    I want to go to therapy but I don't want my partner to know how bad things have got. He worries and I don't want to add any extra stress to him.

    My little girl is one now and the light of my life. But loving her the way I do has made me realise that my own mother couldn't have loved us the way a mother is ment to love a child. So many times she sat back and allowed us to be hurt and said nothing. Then when the truth came out to people what was happening she told them she was the one who was beaten up and abused. She was never hit or treated bad. She spent most of her time high on under the counter meds.

    I know I sound like a child but it's like out of no where I have developed this real hate for her and I just can't brush it off.

    She is in another relationship now with another controlling man, who likes to bully my younger siblings who are still at home.

    I wish I had your strength fi

  • hi you are very brave to admit about your past I'm in same boat ,I can't move forward, it's making my bipolar go mad

  • As Fi said, your past always stays with you. You can't get over it. I was an abused child too ( physically.. those aluminium hangers and belts.. I am 35 and I still remember them as fresh).

    The way I chose to come over it is to talk. I just share these things with my friends. Then we draw conclusions of how we should treat our children (I have a 4 and 11 year old boys) .

    Believe me sharing helps. Talk about it whenever you remember it. You won't forget them, but your present will be eased a bit.

    Hope this helps

  • dearest Anna, I really understand what is happening with that repetitive pattern of thinking. It was such a horrible experience for a little girl that it had a profound impact in your memory. You just go back to that thoughts because it is almost comfortable territory, something you are so used to think abaout. When i wanted to free myself of a sexual assault i suffered when i was 10, i decided to face it from a different angle and i draw myself like a cartoon in different parts of the attack. I could look at myself in a detached way and I thought: 'That is what happened to me in the past and has affected me until now.' I loved myself more and i cuddle myself to sleep. I then discovered the Tapping Solution on line. The rest is history, as they said. I have developed new interests and i don't need to go back to that comfortable sorrow memory from my childhood because i did what i had to do. Forgive me and forgave the attacker.

    Hoʻoponopono is a wonderful forgiveness method with deep roots in the beautiful spirit of the Hawaiian culture. Look at it online. Forgive yourself, it was not your fault. You were a child.

    You are the person that you are now with bad and good experiences and the bad ones have made you stronger.

    wish you well in your life and with your new family .... love and light,

    xxx

  • You are all such wonderful people.. thank you for all your advice. Just putting it out there helps so much. It's amazing how complete strangers can help so much x

  • Okay.I am trying to remember my pay pal password.I will try and do it now xx

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