For the first time I'm going to put down the real thoughts. The real side of everything. Firstly 7 years ago I was dumped for the 2nd successive time. Via text. Whilst abroad. Relationship number 1 involved physical abuse and mental abuse. Just what I needed from my very first real relationship. And after 5 years of bullying at school. Great confidence boost right. No. Relationship number two involved violence. Being cheated on. In front of my own eyes. And being dumb enough to forgive. And then it happening in again. And I forgive. Then she dumps me for getting jealous while abroad. Common sense amazes me. But I get it. So I take two years out. Go abroad. Things are looking good. Although I self harmed alot and was depressed that whole time. Then I met a girl. Great girl too. Got together after two weeks of knowing each other. Helped her out of abusive relationship and self harm and depression and eating disorders. Then we move out. I've met most of her family by now. Things are good. Then I meet her cousin. In a bad situation. So I step in and support her alot. The years go by. I've had a child now and we enter the last year. Part of the support that I've had to give has been to do with rape situations. On 2 different occasions over the last year. One with the cousin. And one with a different relation. As always. I've stepped in to support. The other relation turns to drink and the cousin turns to me. I support both and fix the drinking. And I'm close to the cousin now. She's moving in with us all soon due to the good feels involved. And then before I know it. She seems different to me. Me and my gf are drifting slowly. No fault of anyone she's genuinely been great with every aspect of life. But I can't shake that feeling. Then I get a call. She tells me she's started having feelings for me. I tell her not to worry. I'll keep it between us. And to just talk to me. Over the next few occasions I notice flirting. I do it back. But then question myself about it all. I've not got feelings back surely. Scrap thought. Move on. Then playing around she's jumped up and landed next to me on the bed. We look at each other. And we both kiss each other. I stop it immediately but it's happened. And then we spoke about it. And it happened again. Hours after. I felt ashamed but I couldn't change it. I can't exactly say anything to anyone about it either. I keep quiet. We get closer. She moves in. I'd been sleeping on the sofa separately from my gf for about 8 months now due to having no bed frame at the time. This continued when she moved in but we shared the sofa. One day led to the next. We're closer and I've admitted the feelings to her. She's said them back. I'm stuck now. Cos I don't want to hurt my gf and child but my heart is feeling something right now that I can't explain. I've started to love her. Strongly. Far too strongly. And now it's gone on a good few weeks it's too strong to ignore. While on the phone she told me she felt like my gf too. And I said I understood what she meant by that. I just don't know why I understood it now. My gf then saw a text on my phone from her saying I love you. Then saw that I'd called her my girlfriend in a text. She was destroyed. I admitted it all to her. She blamed the cousin and kicked her out. I stayed with her and my child and it's been rocky for a good month. My depression and anxiety diagnosis helps me understand that I struggle making desicion sometimes. But I don't know how I feel sometimes. I've literally cried over the cousin not being around anymore. And I've tried to fix what's not broken but I don't feel like there's anything to fix. My gf is great to me. She's supported me even though I said I had feelings for her and she had to process that alot. They won't go away and that's the problem. My gf presumes they have gone. And I really wanted them to go but now I'm not sure if I want to stay in this relationship even though I'm honestly not 100 percent happy anymore. For no fault of anyone at all. But I don't know if I want the other feelings to go or whether to potentially risk everything and try and do what I think will make me happy. I know it's selfish to even consider. But is it right to choose my own happiness over the happiness over nearly everyone in my life. I just don't wanna feel like this forever but it's so hard to know what to do. I know this will give alot of people mixed feelings. And I understand them all. I had to have a voice about this. I've been silent for too long. I only really opened up to the one person that has been exiled from my life for reasons completely understandable. But should life just be understood? Or lived?. Please help me if anyone hears my voice
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