Hello all, my name is Sarah, I'm new to this site. I've been looking for a place to share my story and possibly get advice and support. I'm currently 20 years old, unemployed and living at home (a.k.a my nightmare). I was in college last year until medical issues overcame me and my grades slipped due to this. I was disqualified from my university and my depression became worse than ever after this. I come from an abusive childhood, my dad being the abuser, and that's where my anxiety/depression/OCD all started. Growing up was absolute hell and I was suicidal at the age of 10. My dad was emotionally abusive but there were moments where it got physical. I feared getting off the school bus and going home. I cried myself to sleep every night and would wish that I would die in my sleep so I wouldn't have to wake up the next morning. I remember telling my dad that I wanted to kill myself and all he did was shake his head. The one time I was having such a horrible panic attack and tried to explain my anxiety to him and he yelled that I was weak. During my younger years, he was an alcoholic and would fight with my mom every night and even went on drunk rampages when I had sleepovers, leading to us staying the night in a hotel. Somehow I survived through all of this and I'm now 20, living back and home, which is hell for me. My depression has been too much to handle lately and I can barely leave the house. My dad is a pilot so sometimes he's home but most of the time not. He's tried to make amends with me and says he wants to have a relationship with me but I don't want it, it's too traumatic for me to even be around him. My mom is still married to him and she explains that if she were to divorce him she'd be broke and that's why she didn't do it when I was younger. But I also think her doing that would've caused me less trauma so I have a lot of anger towards her. I've filed a medical withdrawal for the semester of school that I did bad in and I'm trying to get back into college by fall but there's a chance it might not happen. I just want to separate myself from my home completely. My mom constantly hounds me about getting a job and saying that that will make me feel better but when I had a stable job months ago, I was a nervous wreck around people and was incredibly stressed. I was the same depressed person, just with more money. Sorry for this being so long. If anyone has any advice I would be so appreciative, as I've been feeling worthless and like I should've just died years ago.
Last edited by Sarbear7
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