Giving up on life

[Carolkiernicki]

I am married for 36 years to a man who is younger than me we have one son.i never knew he only wanted me for sex until about 5 years ago. He hates me now and I still love him. He is in love with a 28 year old. I have a lot of medical problems. And I'm in pain a lot .I have no where to turn.

[sweetiepye]

Carol, I am sorry. I'm sorry you found out what kind of person you are married to and especially in a time of need. This is very hard I know. I have had a similar experience. Physically I am slightly better , but my marriage is a misery . My husband resents me for getting older, getting sick, and for really not caring what he thinks any more. If we could afford to we would be divorced but we both like living in a house and eating regularly . I wish I had an answer for both of us. I am not totally unhappy. I have my kids and grandkids, friends.I keep busy and try to keep learning new things My husband also likes younger women, but he is older than I. I guess he sees something different than I do when he looks at himself. He works out every day, buys wrinkle crème.drives a cute little jeep now and always wears his shades. Life can be quite peculiar . Pam

[EPHK in reply to sweetiepye]

...Pam, you sound secure and with it. He sounds very insecure. It is important to embrace the different stages of our lives as they come. There is beauty in sunrise, midday, afternoon, sunset and the starry night (even when the sky is not studded with stars, night is a time of rest and repair). If we do not embrace how we grow and change we'll be miserable because time goes forward. He doesn't sound happy at all and he's defending behind the wrinkle cream,dark shades and the little jeep.

[sweetiepye in reply to EPHK]

Yes, you are exactly right. I've never been very interested in staying young but rather in improving my mind and becoming a more caring person. It's hard work really. My husband is a very unhappy man but he's caused it himself.Thank you for the kind words. Pam

[EPHK in reply to sweetiepye]

I can totally relate to what you've described earlier re: not divorcing because you both want a roof over your heads and a meal. It is so soul perishing though. It just saps away any energy to do anything...trying to ignore the bad vibes is really hard. My issues are not to do with aging, simply that I am stuck with a very negative person. I've grown and he hasn't. I've pursued my growth. And now that I am on a different page it feels like I disrespect myself for staying on but as you've said, the finances are a hindrance. I try to detach as much as I can and get on with my stuff but is not easy. All the Best.

[sweetiepye in reply to EPHK]

I worry though about what it might be doing to me., I have more good than bad days but if that changes I'm not sure what I can do. Pam

[Hidden]

Hiya, and welcome.

I'm so sorry to hear of your predicament. There are a lot of patient and caring people here, and it is generally a great place to vent and talk about what's on your mind.

Hope you stick around.

[Mayday29]

You have us to turn to. I know its not the same as being face to face but its a start. I really feel for you. i was in an unhappy marriage for 25 years and it drags you down. Having depression can make you think there is no other way but to tolerate the situation because you are not strong enough to leave. You will actually be amazed at how much inner strength you have when you really need it. We have an in built determination to survive . You will only get better if you free yourself from this man and be on your own. I know how hard that is. Ihad no job and nowhere to go but I went and I never looked back. I now have my own house, a job, anew man,but most of all i have me and that was the one person i needed the most. I still have depression and I still struggle but I am doing ok and i know i will be fine. You can be too. picture yourself in your own little place, peaceful, safe and happy. It is not far away. Keep in touch.

[EPHK]

Carol, a bad marriage can only exacerbate depression. He is rejecting you and this only brings up shame within. He makes you feel unloved and not worthy. We need to feel accepted by others, especially our partners, we need to belong. He is the person whom you're supposed to trust, who knows you inside-out and instead makes you feel unwanted. But that's HIM. There are people out there who love you; people who would be happy to be your friend (there's someone for everyone of us.) And there is your son. Remember you are worth it. You have just as much right as the next person. If he rejects you, you need to protect yourself. Reject him back. Let him have his 28 year old and you can have YOUR life. And like Mayday said you have us. Take care and wish you strength.

[DiiPinkiePie]

Good morning, how do you know and are so positive about his feelings towards you? Even if he told you, were you arguing at the time cause a lot of things can be said in heated moments that aren't true.Has anything else changed such as more pressure on him at work.Weight change! Something,i.e work could be making him Depressed (comfort eating could be a sign)& he may be worried about your financial situation now or for the future.Have his work mentioned that they may have to lay ppl off? I can't see how what you mentioned initially in your message, is true.If he hates you and as wanted someone else for so long, he's an adult so why hasn't he gone. I think something is bothering him and he's trying to get into a situation so he can blurt it out n blame you, his nearest n dearest.Tell him you can't live like this anymore.If he hates you and is so unhappy (which is the last thing you would ever want him to be) he should go.Make sure to say you were hoping it was something that you could have worked through as a couple as you love him so much n it's heartbreaking for you living in that atmosphere if he doesn't want to be there.He sounds like he believes a man is the main provider to keep a roof over your heads n fed etc n a 'proper'man doesn't cry or ask for help.If he is in such a situation or similar n his personality traits are similar to what's written, every day must be hell for him also cause he more than likely adores you yet think he's letting you down n he'll hate himself so much for feeling a failure.Give him a huge hug and tell him how much you love him and are so proud of him even if he hates you. I very much doubt he does babes x All my thoughts are with you you've nothing to loose x Diane xXx

[grace111]

Im so glad that you have come here to talk, you will meet others who can support you and help you draw strength, as Mayday29 said you will be amazed at just how much inner strenght you have when you need it. welcome carol, all my love and hugs grace xoxoxo

[Olderal]

Hello, Carol, I think that if you have been married for 36 years it is very unlikely that your husband only wanted you for sex. You must have had a lot of other qualities he saw in you for the marriage to have lasted 36 years and the fact you still love him must mean I would have thought that he in turn must have been showing his affection for you through most of that period.

It is of course possible that your medical problems and pain have affected the dynamic of the marriage and of course its possible he is now in love with a 28 year old. He will also have his problems with this as marriage law makes it an expensive business to leave a wife for another woman and you have some protection financially under that law. Presumably also if you've been married 36 years he's much older than his new love and once the glow of new love has worn off a bit this is hardly an ideal situation for him. He may hate the fact he is not totally free to set up home with his new love and maybe transferring some of this hatred onto you but I think it again unlikely after 36 years he hates you personally for yourself.

Is your son sympathetic to your position ?

I do feel so sorry for both your feelings and medical problems at the moment and maybe I'm being naive about the shallowness of some men but I do feel the future for you is brighter than you are reading it at the moment.

Olderal

[Miloholly98]

Please don't give up on life you have your son.try to be strong I know it's hard.iv been there try not to dwell on your husband betrayal is very hard to move on from.i did but it took some time hope my comment helps your not alone x

[Pomyb]

How awful sorry to hear that life sure does suck xxx

[Carolkiernicki]

Thank all of you for listening it felt good to let some out .Yes my son is helping me as much as he can but he is being treated as bad as me.In fact he was in love with her first. His father knew that but didn't care.I know my health is not helping there are times I can't do anything. I take strong drugs from my doctor.And at times I'm real tired but he expects me to be doing everything and won't help.i can't and it just makes things worse.

[suzey26j in reply to Carolkiernicki]

was this your sons girlfriend ?? Suzey. X

[Carolkiernicki]

He is still crazy about her they weren't a couple but she kept him around for 4 years