Loosing hope

[Craigkipper]

Hi. I'm new to here. I've had depression on and off since I was 18 and always been on medication. I'm 47 now and this particular bout of depression has been going on for over 2 years and is terrible. I've been seeing a CPN and psychiatrist. In April this year I had Electro convulsive therapy and shortly after had to go into hospital for a couple of weeks because I felt so awful. I've got a loving wife, two lovely children and no money worries so no external reasons to be depressed. The meds I'm taking are Lithium, Vortioxetine, Quetiapine, Pregabalin and they've just started me on Liothyronine last week. I've not been able to work for 20 months. I feel so desperately depressed, I don't socialise anymore and often isolate myself in the bedroom. I can't see an end to this misery.

[Hidden]

Hi and welcome to the site. I am sure you will get some replies very soon from our lovely helpful members. Can I just take the opportunity to ask you to familiarise yourself with the rules of the site please if you haven't already. Thank you. x

[Craigkipper in reply to Hidden]

Thanks very much

[Photogeek]

Hi Craig and your very welcome here. I can sense the pain and frustration in your Post and I understand how you feel as I have had Depression since my 30's.

There is no easy answer except to hang in there and maybe this new Med will help you. Of. Of course Meds are just part of the solution and I have realised that I have to do so much to help myself, Good diet. Excercise and social support and other stuff.

Craig you will find Lot of support here , and even though you have a lovely family etc, that doesn't mean you will be exempt from Depression. Unfortunately. Depression doesn't discriminate , wish it would. Keep keeping on and use the site especially now to get you through this bad patch. I feel for you and I do care too.

Hannah

[Craigkipper in reply to Photogeek]

Thank you so much for your kind reply Hannah

[Photogeek in reply to Craigkipper]

Hi Craig, your very welcome, how are you feeling today?

I hope the support here will help you, I sometimes also feel like this, and living on your own with Depression is not the best.

Take care and hope to talk to you again.

Hannah

[MattBuckland]

Hi Craig

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time. I went through a sustained period of feeling that way last year which ended in a breakdown. I am recovering and doing okay but I feel like I have a long way to go. Just remember that when you are feeling that way, rather than dwelling on it, pick up the phone and talk to someone. Both the Samaritans (anytime) and Breathing Spaces (after 6 on a week night) are good just to put the breaks on.

It does seem mad sometimes to look at your situation and rationally say 'there is no reason for me to be depressed'. The trouble is that once we have rationalised that we tend to beat ourselves up even more which feeds feeelings of failure and increases depression.

I am not judging the medication you are taking but it does sound a bit scary and I am guessing that there are some side effects?

I suppose simply (I know it is anything but) you do need to identify the reason for your depression and accept that reason before you can move forward. For me the start may have come from childhood, small things that had an effect on me (no abuse of obvious triggers) but basically led me to have a fear of failure. When I recognised that with help from a counsellor I was able to start the long journey of dealing with it and have basically been trying to be kinder to myself (not easy for someone who has hated themselves for 20 years). It is taking time but I am in a better place.

The other thing is knowing where you would like to be and being realistic in your expectations. You will then have something to work towards.

Also, are you happy with your current treatment? It is a two way process and you have to put the effort in to get better but if your support is not good then sometimes a change of support can help?

Happy to chat anytime.

Matt

[Craigkipper in reply to MattBuckland]

Thanks for your kind reply Matt.

[WhiteAlice]

Craigkipper, please don't lose hope. Hope is what we have. You are among friends. I worry about depression medications, as often the side effects cause more problems. Have your GP really go over your meds well with you. Some just work diffetently in different people. In the meantime, keep talking to us. You just got here, so you can't leave! You stepped out of your bedroom by coming to us. First step down! We're here for your next.

[Craigkipper in reply to WhiteAlice]

Thanks so much for your kind reply

[Biggles22]

Sounds like you're on the full whack of medication. So that leaves psychological and lifestyle stuff to work on.

Do you have a particular query?

These are the standard things which you probably know about, but remember small improvements even if temporary are important to focus on

You must socialise- can you see a psych occupational therapist to help?

Mindfulness is helpful if you can avoid intrusive thoughts. You must avoid ruminating, by occupying your mind with external things

[Craigkipper in reply to Biggles22]

Thanks so much for your kind reply

[cecilia13]

Hi Craigkipper

so sorry and sad to hear about your story . Hopefully a lot of peole on this site will try to help you are at least distract you . I was wondering whether all your medications for depression over nearly 20 years have taken their toll leaving you feeling utterly lost and desperate . I have been on various antidepressants on and off for over 20 years (not to mention counselling, CBT therapy, mindfulness and meditation, yoga , a lot of research & reading about mental illness, praying and church, etc....) and I don't feel any better , just for a while then back to hell . It gets worse for 3 or 4 months in late autumn & winter . It also gets worse with age . You think you are cured and, bang it hits you with a vengeance when you least expect it when you could swear it was all over !

At least you are not lonely like me , so you must not give up the fight because you would not just hurt yourself but also your lovely caring very concerned wife & kids . If you "drown" they will "drown" too and this would be such a terrible tragedy . You are also still young and should have your future in front of you, not behind.

Maybe you aresuddenly completely burnt out and you need a lot of rest, a lot of regular sleep (8 or 9 hours) , you need to take it easy and drop everything else (just as well you are not working because you are very ill and tired and confused) you need some time on your own but please don't completely shut your family out (they feel more guilty &anxious&scared) . Try to confide/talk a bit (or more) to your wife or parents or friends unless you think they are partly responsible for your bleak depression . True it is more difficult for a man to open up and talk but you must at least try if only for your sake .

Please DONT GIVE UP and don't hate or despise yourself for being like that and think you are letting yourself down . Maybe you overthink/think too much and you worry too much (like me) and you are becoming obsessed with negative stuff and your condition then gets out of control making you feel worse &worse . Maybe you need a long holiday abroad in a warn sunny country on your own to recharge your batteries or with your family who would keep an eye on you . May be you need to break away from everything & everyone just for a few days and this might help you to see clearer or just to comple

tely rest . Having social life helps a lot when you are depressed though I understand you don't want to see anyone , just be left alone but don't overdo it aand fall into the big black hole! They say sometimes things will sort themselves out in their own time of their own accord so try to be a little more patient and just wait for it to pass as it will eventually .

Please don't do anything silly an don't stop all your medications suddenly (very dangerous and risky) and please tak good care of yourself. You are not alone ! cecilia13

[Craigkipper in reply to cecilia13]

Hi Cecillia. Thank you so much for your very kind words. You sound like a very caring person. I'm hoping that eventually it will pass, in the past it always has but this particular bout seems to be going on forever. I'm so sorry that you say you're alone, that must be awful !

[Biggles22]

Yes I hope it improves with time. Keeping working at it and hanging in there

[Craigkipper in reply to Biggles22]

Thanks

[JCJC777]

small suggestion; cut out alcohol (causes depression) and caffeine (causes alcohol)

[Craigkipper in reply to JCJC777]

Thanks

[Mayday29]

Hi Craig I really feel for you. I know what its like. I am not going to offer you loads of advice , just wanted to say hi and you are not alone. Keep in touch. xx

[Craigkipper in reply to Mayday29]

Thanks for your kind reply. What you said means a lot. I'll keep in touch. Xx

[spykey Ambassador]

Hi Craigkipper

Hope you don't mind me sending you a 🤗 hug! It sounds like you've had a pretty heavy time & medication & treatment including Ect over the last couple of years! I'm not gonna say I know how you feel cos I don't!

As far as why we get Depression there is no easy answer, it is triggered in each individuals life for a different reason, the same with how long each deep depression episode lasts, can be dependent on their lives & triggers, even to some who have everything they want or need materially I believe you said!

I'm not on the medication you are taking except Quetiapine & the doses of each medication can vary! And different medications & treatments are given & used by individuals for different reasons, although we are not always told the reason what or why!!

Sorry to hear you ended up in hospital, you must've felt very rough! I know it's easy to say try not to isolate yourself, and from personal experience I know how hard that can be when you feel safer in the four walls that you feel know & feel safe in that you never want to leave at times! I used to just shut the door hoping that it will all have gone away before opening the door!!

I'm not telling you what to do & you don't have to follow any ideas, it's up to you! Do you think maybe you could consider starting for a short time maybe coming out your room for a minute at a time, and when you feel safe this being on your terms totally, maybe adding a few seconds more each time & in your time! Maybe it would be best when your children are at school? No one else need know, even your wife!

Taking a baby or pigeon steps each time & a day at a time, I don't know what's best or what will work for you & what won't!

But you've made a pretty big step joining the site, to which you are Very Welcome! Everyone here is so friendly & supportive too!

Try & Stay in touch everyone is very helpful & a large array of information & guidance as to where to get support too!

Take Care. spykey

[Craigkipper in reply to spykey]

Hi Spykey . Thanks for your really helpful and kind reply. I have been getting out a bit recently so at least that's positive. I hope you're doing well. X

[Mayday29]

Good morning thanks .for your reply . Woke up feeling pretty rubbish today so just thought I would say hi before I struggle into the showerand off to work. Would give anything to stay in bed in the dark today. Hope you are hanging in there mate. x

[Craigkipper in reply to Mayday29]

Hi Mayday. Thanks and all the best. X

[Mayday29]

Hello Craig how are things with you? Hope you are feeling a bit better. x

[Craigkipper in reply to Mayday29]

Hi Mayday. I had 4 or 5 better days last week and then on Thursday I dropped again. I feel like I'm back to square one. How are you? I hope you're well.

[Mayday29]

Hi Craig, I am doing ok. Went back to my GP last week and have been put onto a higher dose of fluoxetine. Not really felt any different yet but I need to give it time. Sorry to hear you are struggling again. I know the feelings. One day is ok and the next is worse than ever. I am finding working really hard at the moment. Really need to keep going but struggling . Let me know how you get on.x

[LosingHope]

Hi Craig kipper, your post was quite some time back, but I've only just joined the site so wondered how you are keeping now?

I was drawn to your post, while trying to put my first one into words then just didn't know where to start.

I'm 57 years old and was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder at age 19, which doctors prescription of tranquillisers then and to date keep both my mind and physical symptoms under control.

But O.C.D and Manic dresspession I struggled on with alone whenever a depressive episode would hit for years just thinking it was only me who felt like like it, until then I was diagnosed, hence felt at the time more labels added to my list.

In all my years and that's a lot now, often there was/is no reason for a major depression episode to hit out of the blue, then at other times in hindsight I knew what a trigger or more was, but once in it dosn't make any difference to the getting through each day of to me.

Losing interest in just about everything, as if life put on hold, feeling guilty enough about that let alone giving up on trying to explain to close ones that all their ideas, suggestions to have me back to my oldself made me feel worse and then for them too. As I just couldn't explain to myself let alone others that if I could just "snap" out of it, of course I would!

My episodes always wore/wear off though right as I least expect and often when I let go of trying to think my way out of them, as that's always been a common thing my mind gets obsessed with doing (especially as with the disabiling fatigue mine gives, any type of activity is too exhausting, so gives all my time to think on)

Then I get to a point of as if surrendering to the fact I'm going through an illness, that myself as well as others would accept and understand if it were a physical one, with time needing time to heal from.

Whether the depressive episode goes on weeks, months or years when come through the other side of not only it feels better than winning the lottery (and I mean that for me) I've noticed after I have a gratitude for just being able to doing simple things again, being able to smile and find laughter and being able to get out of the home etc etc, mean even more to me, that I knew others just took for granted in their day to day living of choices.

I do hope you (and others with their kind comments) have got through to the light at the other end of the tunnel, or like so much in life can't forsee until it happens.

I've been in a major depressive episode into 6 months now, live alone and with the mix of anxiety through the roof also get with it where I get on worry issues of all that's going downhill or will, as it's the longest episode ever had through my life causing me to be housebound, it has helped me in replying with remembering past episodes I couldn't see an end to, but they did.

My current episode has been made worse only as on top of it hitting out of the blue this May, I then had my 9 years usual dosage increased of Pregabalin (Lyrica), which gave side effects of too dizzy and done the opposite of letting me sleep when I needed, to insomnia instead.

In these past months when dealing with the major depression episode, as well as Pregabalin dose issues then had me housebound, I've been left to still try on my own to get the Pregablin to stabilise without any awful disabiling random symptoms, that never had in all the 9 years of being on it.

Has me feel even more alone with and my depression worse, as have lost my faith in any help, after 3 different doctors giving different dosage/interval times, during their home visits to me, yet had me worse from different symptoms. They didn't even tell me if those were side effects, withdrawal or a mix of both, where they didn't even communicate with each other on what each of them had advised me on it.

I'd asked the last doctor visit too, was there anything going to prescribe for the depression episode that had got even worse due to the separate Pregabalin issue. Yet was just told all I was going through was anxiety.

I tried to explain I knew my oldself enough to know when a depressive episode was going on and yes that did of course cause me anxiety at wanting my oldself and life back, which the Pregablin issue then started to make my whole situation worse.

But it was left with no more follow ups from them, or help on.

But knowing the core old me is just buried deep inside still, like a seed that's still to push up slowly but surely to be in the Sunshine and fresh air freedom.....I hold on to the fact that it's not possible for me to see/know the bigger picture of how I will get through this, j

But have somehow each day, week, month that didn't know how would even then.

Sorry, as I have ended up doing my first post in the latter of this reply!