Needing hope- returning to the bottomless pit is not an option.

[Melissanevaeh]

Hi im Melissa. I am 30yo and have suffered with depression for 15 now. Ive excepted that its something that will never leave me and over the years I have learned to live with it.

The severity of it changes and with my responsibility of little girl, the thoughts of suicide dissapeard. It can take me to the depths of he'll and at other times just follows me like a shadow.

Not being able to work because of the illness had put me in the vicious circle of wanting a nice comfortable home, decent clothes, being able to do the things I longed for where out of reach.

I have since met a partner whom I love, have a beautiful daughter, I have not the nicest home but it has everything I need.

I have even rebuilt relationships with my family which where almost none exsistant which i blame on the depression.

My partner pays for me to have my hair done, my lips, my extensions and nails. He is even taking us to Mexico which was always a far away dream.

I now have so much more than I ever thought I could. And everything I thought would make me happy. But the truth is- I'm not. I still feel ugly and cannot get excited for my holiday etc.

I feel like I'm being so ungrateful. My family are starting to not want to be around me again because during happy times I am the one with a sad face putting a damper on happy times.

I am tired and shout at my daughter for small things then cry because I feel guilty. It's not fair on her.

I've been the doctor and councillor and psychiatrist. I suppose they have helped sometimes. When I have had the strength to go to the appointments.

I just want this to leave me for good. I'm frustrated. Fighting an impossible battle...

[chloe40]

Hi Melissanevaeh

Welcome to our friendly Action on Depression Forum. Please do read the Community Guidelines on the right hand side of this page whilst waiting for replies.

Chloe

[Hidden]

Hi Melissanevaeh I am sorry things are so bad for you right now. I have lived with depression for most of my life and have had to accept it will always be with me. I have put structures in place to help stop me falling too far into it. They don't always work but often they do.

For example now I am not working I made a commitment to take my sisters dog out for walks when I can. This ensures I get out of the house and get moving as well as get some exercise and chat to other dog walkers. I also love playing darts and have 2 set nights out a week with nice people doing things I enjoy.

Also a year ago started work in a charity shop as a volunteer which I love. I have to go in coz I don't want to let other people down. On the other hand if my depression strikes I can ring up and say I can't manage it. I did this recently and took a week off because I just wasn't up to it and things had got on top of me.

I am not saying you should do the same things as we are all different and have other priorities, but it just to give you some ideas. I hope it helps a bit. x

[Melissanevaeh in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post.

Your right, keeping occupied helps and I am considering joining some yoga classes.

Volunteering could be really helpful too.

Thank you xx

[Hidden in reply to Melissanevaeh]

You are very welcome. I don't think it would work for severely depressed people but for those with mild or moderate depression it can be useful. x