I'm not sure what I'm even doing here but I can't seem to get out of the pit this time. Tried to end it the other day but grabbed a blunt knife. Instead of cutting it just burnt me. When I got a sharper one I couldn't do it. Gritted my teeth and put everything in the one stroke. So I cried. I sobbed. I lay on the floor. I called Samaritans. I'm going to the docs this week to get help. 33 years old. Master of engineering somehow and not got two pennies to rub together. Can't face life. Can't get ahead. No life. No friends. No prospects. Always scraped 'alive' somehow but not really living. This is the second time I've got to this point and tried to escape. Don't want to die but can't seem to live. Fear. Doubt. Shame. Guilt. This is all I am. Praying for a manic flip. Five months and no dice. I think I know what is wrong but I became a master of the false smile. Wish I could be master of my own mind. Insomnia. Trying to do the routine thing and succeed and all I can do is think about how bad I'm doing and how long until I get to the end of the line again and give up.
Praying for mania. 15 years without h... - Mental Health Sup...
Praying for mania. 15 years without help.
I sent you a message. Please reply.
Please see Satsumas "mood swings" post on here from a few hours ago. I think it might help.
I did read many of the posts here, because I was first here looking for 'bipolar disorder', which is what my one stubborn friend told me I probably have. Anyway, I can relate to the three states of being but I seem to be depressed for long periods of time. I only have a month or so in every year where I feel pure energy and godlike ability. As for 'normal'.. I can and do feel normal for a while sometimes, maybe a couple of months but I always know in my heart that the darkness is creeping back regardless of how successful I might be or what I manage to achieve. I feel like a spider caught in a bathtub, one inch from salvation only to fall all the way down again.
Welcome to the community. You are here because you are ready to start talking. Knives were my thing too, serated. I don't have any scars though because I had the support I needed.
Well done for calling the doctors. You are starting on the long journey to recovery.
I took a £12,000 pay cut and am happier in my new job than I have been in a long time. Are you struggling with debt? Struggling to manage your money?
When you say no life, what do you mean? No social life? When you say no friends, do you mean no good friends that you can rely on?
What is your idea of success? I used to have a plan, but I failed on that plan, so now I'm just living in the moment. I still suffer from depression. Heck, this week I've majorly sabotaged myself, and I currently can't bring myself to get out of bed. But I no longer determine my life as successful because of my job title, or because of the brand of clothes I wear, or because I fit into a mould.
Lori
Xxx
Thank you Lori. I am ready to ask for help. I'm clearly not doing any good on my own with this... whatever it turns out to be. I suppose admitting that I have a problem was hard because I was afraid they would find nothing wrong with me and that it is all just laziness, or that I am just not a good person. I've never reached for a knife before; usually I end up thinking of strangulation or poison as the best options, before succumbing to cowardice and not being able to do it. Ending up on the floor again holding my head and sobbing. Twelve years ago I did overdose and ended up in hospital, but I had other problems at the time and I put on a face and 'got better' because that's what everyone expected.
No life means, apart from me, my cat and the ways I distract myself from the way I feel I don't really have one. I never go out unless somebody forces me, and people have a way of giving up after a while. I have one good friend who is helping me out, but I even tried to get myself out of her life too this year. I just can't stand the idea of interfering with other people's normal lives. I tried to get a job again recently because that is what I'm supposed to do to pay bills and eat, but in the past when I got jobs I got fired because I overslept, or got there late all the time, or kept taking days off to try and sort my head out. Every little bump or kink in the road just throws me off every time I try. As my mother is always telling me when I try to explain why I am still a failure and in debt, it's in my head, it's imaginary, I am doing it to myself, it doesn't exist. I suppose thinking it is all me being a bad person and that I can fix it by myself is the mistake I am ready to stop making.
Wow Circlespin, your life so mirrors mine. It sucks feeling like you are so alone. I even feel that my brother and sister are too busy for me and I feel like an utter failure never being able to hold a job for more than 3 months. I have never been able to find and keep a job in the field I studied in so many years ago. Instead I jump to minimum wage to minimum wage job and stuffing up again because I oversleep and am late by 5-10 minutes to even 30 minutes to an hour late. Its this depression- this insomnia is part of the illness
Glad you are going to the doctors, I do hope he/she refers you to a Mental health professional, what you need is the correct medication. From reading what you put it appears you are far from stupid and you are young and should be enjoying life. I imagine it would take a lot of courage to kill yourself and I am glad you have not succeeded😊 Keep pouring out your feelings on this site and we are all here to support you. We will be your family and friends, you can tell us anything. My son is 38 and I have been attempting to get him help for months, I paid for him to see a private pyschiastrist who prescribed him a medicine but he is still struggling. I was very ill 25 years ago with manic depression, I was in hospital for 6 weeks, but I managed to carry on had a job and bought up my family, I take medication but have lived a normal life since. The reason I am telling you this is because you WILL get better😀😀. Let me know how you get on, we are routing for you xx
I tried to see a doctor a long time ago about it, and they referred me to an 'emotional well-being' clinic, which I had to wait nearly two months for an appointment. When I went there they told me to keep a diary when I felt bad, and that was basically it. The person I saw did not seem very knowledgeable or eager to help, and even though I wanted to pour my heart out and really explain it, they were looking at the clock. I probably should have tried harder a long time ago and really tried to make people understand that I am a wreck, and any appearance of normality is a fragile act but I didn't. When I felt bad the last thing I was able to do was write about it for goodness sake, because I couldn't even explain it to myself. I just felt sad, all of the time. Now I am a bit older and I am able to talk about it more I think, but this suicide attempt is the culmination of many months of struggle; not exactly something I get to very often. My single friend told me to write things down as well, and this time I seemed to be able to. I'm done now; a thousand times over and if I have to force myself to write embarrassing scratchy, malformed sentences to explain it then I guess I will. I don't REALLY want to die and obviously I can't have it both ways. I think I might be able to have a normal life if that life was simple and I knew that I would not be awake in the middle of the night, a zombie in the morning, getting fired, or making a complete idiot of myself with debt, irresponsibility and maniacal laughter and absolutely no control over myself whatsoever when I feel the opposite way.
I thank you for replying. You have not received the right treatment hence your current state of mind. Be forceful when seeing the doctor, I know the NHS waiting is dreadful but try to be patient, contact me anytime. I do not always check my emails if I am busy but it would not be longer than a day. Pretend I am there holding your hand. You are NOT alone 😊Xx
Be forceful. Yes. Not exactly easy when I struggle to find the courage to go out and buy bread but I guess I have to make them understand this is not just some sort of circumstantial thing but part of who I am, for some reason. Seriously, sometimes it takes me over 24 hours of mental preparation just to buy bread, and I stand by the door, washed, composed, with my hand hovering by the door handle, shaking. Often I give up. It really is pathetic.
If it is just bread I can stall for another day but when my cat needs food I pace round and round for an hour, two hours, eventually I choke on the lump in my throat, march right to the shop, and march right back, exhausted but successful.
To write it down, it all seems so ridiculous and embarrassing; that I can be scared of something so small and make such a huge deal about it. I really don't know how I made it through university. Pressure I suppose. I figured that if I succeeded and got my degree, it would 'fix' me somehow.
Thank you everyone. I was not expecting this. Not by a long shot. You don't even know me but it seems like you actually do understand. If I can make you understand then maybe I can make the people who can help me understand after all. After my Thursday appointment I will write down what happens.
Yes I understand. Also shows that you care about your cat that is encouraging as the cat depends on you. Makes me so angry to think you have been left without help and support for so long. Also depends where you live, I am in a good rural area so feel privileged. I will look on the Internet to see if there are any support/volunteers who could fetch you groceries or help in other ways😊
I should definitely say that what I said above was just an example of how bad it can get. I have been there, many times but it isn't exactly a constant problem as my reply may have implied. When you say you would find help for me it is very touching however. (oh look, I caught myself doing the " I'm ok " thing again)... Being so bad I can't open the front door for any length of time is a big deal right.
If I go for a long time without a flip, (or I do something really stupid in a moment of euphoria which I later regret) I can easily get to that point and stay there for ages, but generally speaking I only 'struggle terribly' with everyday things. I should have been more clear that this is me at my worst only.
I just want to try and explain and I suppose finally let it all out because of how much it has eaten at me all these years and basically ruins my life.
I have felt better for sharing it over the past couple of days since I found the site. For the first time I feel I'm telling people who actually get it.
I know I need help and by doing this I guess I am getting together (out of the chaos) what I need to say to the doctor to make her understand.
Thinking of you xxxxx
If i've got a doctor's appointment and I'm feeling as though I don't know how to explain what's going on for me (or I'm worried about forgetting to mention something), I write down a list of bullet points of the main things and then just hand this list to the doc when I go in and leave it up to him/her to ask questions about the things they want to know more about. Good luck and don't be afraid to try and explain how bad things can really be at times. Also, if if doesn't go well with the doc, make an appointment to see a different one (if it's a GP surgery that you're going to) and keep doing that until you find a decent doctor who listens and understands.
This is really good advice, thank you tofler
I did it.. I managed to get to the doctor and kind of explain how it is getting worse and that the brief, mania-fueled achievements just don't pay for the endless misery anymore. This is the real admission here truth be told. I was lying to myself that I could use it or that it was a good thing. How can it be when it lasts such a short time, and costs so much.
Anyway, she referred me urgently to psychiatry and I've got some pills to take. I can't believe I'm actually going to get proper help after all this time. I'm going to be real emotional about this later but that's ok.
Apparently it is normal to feel even worse for a while, which is pretty scary. It is hard to imagine feeling worse than what I've experienced. The doc gave me some numbers to call if I get really bad.
I think the turning point was posting on here, and instead of hearing the usual 'Get over yourself', 'keep your chin up', 'everyone has bad times' stuff I had people actually support me, make me feel like I'm not to blame and that asking for help is not as hard as I always thought it would be. The doctor didn't dismiss me because I was stuttering and struggling to explain. She didn't tell me I was just 'feeling down'.
Despite the fact I've admitted I have a mental illness, I actually feel positive about it.
We'll just have to wait and see how the 'other me' deals with this *raises eyebrow*.
Wow. The psychiatrist rang me with an appointment already. Barely four hours after I went to the doctor.
I have been waiting tosee what help you would get. Yippee looks like you are now on the way to recovery👏👏👏 I am really pleased. I think everyone here has encouraged you and you were brave and took our advice. Keep me informed of your progress. Well done you very proud of you😊😊xx
Thank you.
I am having a rough time right now though. Anxiety attacks and confusion. I'm lying on my bed under a blanket, hiding. Shaking. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't think straight. If I start dwelling on things I feel dizzy and sick and have to stop. The doc said it would take while for the pills to have an affect, but I swear they have me already. Pupils the size of dinner plates. Zoning out. Irritability. I'm scared about Monday when I have to go to to the hospital, but I can't think properly.
Try to rest, any new meds take time. You have conquered the worst. I appreciate how scared you are about Monday but take each day as closer to getting the right treatment. Once you see the psychiatrist your treatment will begin👏👏👏 I am thinking about you. Take care😊😊
It is amazing how quickly it changed today. For the past hour I've had a clear head, but for the 9 hours prior to that I've been a complete mess.
I'm sat up, writing thoughts onto paper and feeling relatively fine again now.
I find myself thinking, what if I go to the hospital and when I get there I'm as I am now, perfectly normal and everything I've written seems fictitious. It certainly seems like a story about somebody else as I read it.
All this anxiety, and pain and struggle seem like a dream, until it happens again.
They must be used to it though. People don't walk into the hospital having a meltdown do they. I was worried this morning that I wouldn't be able to make it, and deal with the stress of going, but right now I could go in there doing the moonwalk.
*shakes head* ... I give up. I just don't get it ... hahaha
That source energy that you tune into is always there under the mask of our personality/false ego
Affirmations can be very helpful
Here's one for you:
I always live in the flow, safely in alignment/harmony with Source Energy
All good comes to me each day in every way
Ps Google 'how to master your mind'
Little Buddha is a wonderful.helpful site
You'll get through this
As Winston Churchill once said:
'If you're going through hell..keep going'
I'm up and down constantly right now. Confusion and anxiety. Every time I feel like I'm balancing out I lose it again. Been sleeping in one hour segments in the daytime. Seems like when I try to focus on something I get agitated because it gets harder every second. Even writing this is really hard. I was OK earlier. Went to shop and got chocolate. Talking to my friend but I can only do things for a short time and I have to lie down. The noise of thoughts in my head gets better and worse.
Hi Circlespin,
Please congratulate yourself on the steps you have taken thus far. As many people have already mentioned you have not received the right sort of help up till now.
Although it will still be difficult by taking your meds, heeding the advice of others you will be on the right path.
Use your friend and cat as anchors in your recovery. They are the things that you must use to remain motivated to change your habits and get better.
You used an interesting turn in phrase where he says" god-like". You might want to consider the relation between narcissism and depression:
wisegeekhealth.com/what-is-...
By accepting the fact that I was a narcissist has helped me in a big way to realise that many of the negative thoughts I had emanated from me and not those around me.
Hope this helps?
Rick1on1
Hey Rick1on1 and thank you for the advice. I went to the hospital for the initial assessment and everything went ok; they are sending me for additional diagnosis. The medication I am taking has slowed my mind somewhat right from the start, but my mood still fluctuates the same as it always did. At times I have been very low indeed recently.
At present there seem to be a few possibilities for what is going on, Bipolar type 2, Borderline Personality Disorder (which my biological sister and biological mother also have) and Major Depressive Disorder. I would guess it is possible that I am afflicted by more than one of these which is why everything is so complicated. At the moment I still have no answers, but my friend is helping me a lot.
When I said 'godlike' I was talking about my abilities when I am on a high, not that I was actually deifying myself. I have quite the opposite viewpoint of myself and generally feel empty.
I told my family I am being treated at the hospital and they are also being supportive , which is definitely not what I expected. I thought they'd basically written me off.
Right now I am struggling through the benefits procedure, as I didn't see the point in looking after myself I have allowed my life to fall into a complete mess. I live alone in one room of a big house and have no income at all which just makes everything seem so much harder. I am reaching out though so maybe I will get some sort of assistance finding my way out of this.
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