I dont think people understand how hard it is to explain whats going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. I feel like Im living in a body that's fighting to survive with a mind that wants to die.
Last night I went back to self harming. Only small cuts, Ive done far worse but it just happened and after Ive felt that release. That kind of release you have when you feel a weight being lifted from your shoulders after months of oppression. Then it all hits you again, the guilt, the shame...
One of the hardest things I do is wake up in the morning. I remember everything I was trying to forget. Sleeping isnt just sleep anymore, it's an escape. One I barely have lately. I'm busy helping my friends who have issues when I can't even save myself anymore. I believe everyone gets to a point with mental illnesses where you just dont care about others anymore. You just sort of, become numb. You become numb to all the happiness, all the pain, all the hurt.... You just feel like a vessel, floating around with no real purpose to life.
Right now, im drowning whilst everyone around me is breathing. It's like Im walking down a long dark corridor not knowing if the light will ever come on. I believe we're all addicted to something that will take the pain away.
It's still so hard living with BPD and depression. Trying to pull apart my thoughts when they're all over to determine whats real and what isn't. That feeling of abandonment. The feeling of pure anger and rage. The impulsiveness. The feeling of loneliness. Everything that comes with both. Im fighting battles in my head I never wanted.
I hurt every day, Im passed crying too. Everyone tells me to be strong and I can see everything breaking in front of me, I can't just feel it, I can see it too. Every day it gets harder. It's a nightmare, my very own nightmare based in my very own hell. I am destroying myself and nobody can stop me.
I'm either too quiet or too loud. I either hate with every fibre or love with all my heart. There's no inbetween. It's all or nothing. This feel like eternal hell. Never knowing what Im going to be like from one minute to the next. Hurting because I'm hurting the ones I love. I feel like Im surviving and not living.
I have my little sister tonight. This is killing me because Im having a bad day and she's here. I dont want her to see my like this. I dont want her to know everything whats going on in my head. I feel pretty useless right now to protect her from everything that I am.
This fight is breaking me still.