Lost and trapped

I've not posted before and not spoken to many friends or family about how I feel. I've been feeling so low now for maybe 3 years but the last year has been horrible and the last month I've felt so depressed I can barely get out of bed.

I am a 28 yr old single male with no kids. I have lost contact with most of my friends due to not wanting to speak to anybody, I hardly speak to my family and am too ashamed to talk to a doctor. I have had 2 operations on my tail bone in the past year (3 in total) due to a seriously bad abscess which I am still having major issues with. I haven't been to work in nearly two weeks (due to my abscess playing up at first and now depression has really hit me causing me to take further time off)

I use to be really active playing sports for teams and going to the gym, I was about to join the navy but was unable to due to my abscess and I also lost my job a few months back forcing me to take a minimum wage job with an agency until I get back on my feet.

Due to my operations and being out of work for a month between jobs I lost a lot of money and have had to borrow from my mum every month to get by.

I don't consider my situation to be even half as bad as some peoples yet I feel like I am trapped in a deep hole and I am struggling to pick myself back up, in the past I have started to move forward only to be knocked back down by this horrible abscess in the most annoying place possible.

I'd say I have spent at least 75% of the past two weeks in bed and I'd rather sleep the day away and block out the world than get up to do the most simple things in life.

I don't want to eat ( lost over 2 stone in the last year), I'm anxious to even go to the shop, lost all confidence in myself and I feel like a burden to people when I'm not my normal self.

I'm not sure what I am asking for right now, i just feel I needed to post this. I know a lot of people will tell me that talking to somebody can help but what if I cannot open to anybody? Nobody should have to hear about my depressing problems, plus I feel like anytime somebody is trying to help me they just say the same old things that anybody would say and I always feel like they are patronizing me.

There is so much more I feel I could say right now but I think the rest of it may be in my head. It's 5am and I should've starting work in 1 hr but I haven't been to sleep tonight as I spent yesterday lying around in bed hiding away from the world again. Another unpaid day that will make me even more anxious, how can I work when all I will want to do is lock myself in the toilets and curl up into a ball.

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6 Replies

  • Hi If-Only,

    Welcome to the community. Gosh, I can feel your pain in every word. You might not realise it yet, but you've already made a really big step. You've reached out to us.

    You said that you are worried you'll won't be able to open if you talk to somebody, but you've already started to do that by reaching out to us. I wonder if you felt a little relief getting it off your chest?

    You are in the very early stages of your journey, you can take super tiny steps towards getting better. My GP told me, in the very beginning to sleep whenever I wanted. It was my brains way of recovering. You can eat whatever you want. Want to have a diet like an out of control child at a birthday party, do it (but obviously not indefinitely). Spend at least 30 minutes out doors.

    I know that money is tight, but while you have the support of your Mum, give yourself a break.

    My counsellor asked me to imagine an oasis in the middle of a bog. At the oasis was my husband, friends and family, a job that fulfilled my needs and a healthier version of myself. Before the oasis was a bog. A bog of depression and anxiety that would suck me under, and force my journey to be painfully, exhaustingly slow.

    You're in the bog at the moment, and I've just reached the sand. I'll stick my arm out to help pull you out, as will all of the other lovely people here.

    Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.


  • Hello I am sorry to hear about your health problems and depression. You need to be kind to yourself stop beating yourself up. Take one step at a time. Write down 2 positive things you will do everyday and add 1-2 everyday. Force yourself to do them. Step by step you will get out of this. You are so young and you can pull yourself out of this. Talking to one close friend even to just talk and catch up will make you feel better. Just try and don't give up. Keep trying. I have pain in my knees so bad I can hardly walk but I keep trying to get better and I'm old enuf to be your mother! I have a son whose 27 ! So don't give up on yourself you are worth it! You matter !


  • Hi there if only, your having a really rough time I can see that, when your health isn't good it can drag you down for sure. Sounds pretty awful with those abcesses !! Do they know why your getting them? For you to start to get better the fact is you do need to talk to a doctor!! Because if you could have done it on your own you would have done it by now. There is absolutely no shame what so ever admiring your depressed and anxious and you need some help. I know sometimes people may come across as patronising but they obviously want to help you or they wouldn't even bother would they? Your stuck in this cycle going round and round now and you need to find some strength to get out of it. It is there in you, we all have it, knock backs are part of life, ! We all suffer them. But you can't give up!! You matter and are loved by your family. You already know your limitations because of your health so do what you can when you can.i don't know how you feel about hypnotherapy but I downloaded 2 apps, one for anxiety and another by Glenn Harold called heal your body. They are both free!! I myself was in a very bad place!! I searched constantly for ways to make myself feel better, I can only tell you that they helped me through some dark times. Don't give up on yourself if I could make it all alright for you I would. Don't let it beat you down because it will if you let it. Call your doctor!!

  • Thanks For Sharing, I haven't wanted To Get Out Of Bed, For 6 days, until 5pm. I got my last injection Last Wednseday, It wasn't until Today the tuesday following, that I Found The Strength From Above, From God, To Get Out Of Bed And Get some chores done. I can't imagine How You Got A Job, And I Want To Congratulate You On That, I've given up on getting A Job At the moment, for at least the end November, probably Until Christmas. ... Have You Ever Read The Book About A Person, Called Job? Just curious, because He suffered too, and none of His friends understood how to help Him, in fact, they just made things worse. ... I hope I'm not doing that right now. I really feel for You, it must be aweful... But in the depression, and Child-lessness, You're not alone.

  • Well you seem to have good insight into this awful disease.

    Firstly there is no shame about seeing a DR you will usuall need some Meds to assist with a bad episode,

    Don't worry about the abscess, it will be made worse by your depression, if your depressed so is your immune system.

    See GP start Meds & soon you may feel like exercising again, exercise releases Endorphins(your own happy hormones)

    Be open on this forum , were here to all help

  • Hi If-only. it is completely understandable that you are feeling this way. Your abscess has pretty much taken over your life. You are human and you are allowed to feel low sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it and take as long as you need. Go to your GP and explain how you are feeling.

    I think some anti-depressants will really help temporarily until you recover, physically and emotionally. Just remember that they may make you really tired for a week until your body gets used to them. I had to take a week off work when I started taking mine, but it was well worth it. A week is nothing to gaining the rest of your life back.

    Also, make sure that you are claiming any benefits that you are entitled to. There is nothing wrong with claiming, your circumstance is exactly why we have benefits. It sounds like you have always paid in and now it's your turn to get a little help in return.

    As for talking to your friends, I know how you feel. I get worried that if I tell people how I feel and what I think, it will upset them or make them depressed or make them not like me anymore. I have been seeing a counsellor who I've told things to that I've never told anyone. It's been so cathartic. I pay for my counsellor but if you can't afford that ask your GP to refer you, or try calling Samaritans samaritans.org/how-we-can-h... You don't have to be suicidal and, even though I've never called myself, I've read that they help. Often you don't need advice, just someone to listen without judging.

    You will get through this. I'm sure of it xx