This is me

I'm 43 going through hell and it's a long story

My whole life I've felt there was something wrong with me

I was constantly off school due to differing health issues but have no childhood memories....... Until recently and now have only one

I left school without any qualifications

Started working but lost every job I had through time keeping

Met my now wife at 17 and have never been apart from her since she is my everything And we have 4 wonderful kids together 19 16 13 10

In 96 after lots of visits to the Gp I was diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia (sleep disorder) and have been unable due to it since (I have tried but again lost each job due to time keeping or falling asleep)

Over the years I've been on many different types of antidepressants and only found 1 that worked ....... what I thought was well

That was around 10+ years ago till December and even tho the gp put the prescription on repeat I often noticed that my review was months or years overdue

But now my life is in turmoil..... I have huge chunks of memories missing ...... not like days or weeks but loads of meaningful conversations discussions and arguments with my wife and I felt the pills are to blame

I often felt obsession over things and that the thoughts were not my own but didn't associate anything with the pills as they kept me feeling level matter what was thrown at me and was often described as being so laid back I was horizontal

Anyway in December my wife who used to do a lot for charity causes attending and helping was raped at knifepoint but when she came home and told me ...... Something happened and I'm now loosing her

Instead of being a caring loving partner that I should of been the shock of it turned me nasty ....... I don't mean physical I mean emotionally unstable unattached and said somethings I didn't want to say

But now please believe me as I feel no one does but the shock of hearing her tell me made me have an out of body experience and although I could see that nasty dirty rude uncaring scum kneeling on the floor saying those things to her ...... It was not me, I was stood in the corner of the room in disamay at what was happening but couldn't stop it

And at that point I realised that I needed of those pills as that was NOT me but the damage had been done and I can't take that back and I went cold turkey off the flouoxetine

Now 8 months later still feel those pills have done me over but what's worse have destroyed my life and my marriage

Mistakes have been made and trust destroyed on her part but I've drove my wife away and she's looking elsewhere to live as we speak

I've just spent the last 8 weeks begging and pleading her to stay but she can't see past what I've done

Now let's get up to date 2 or 3 days ago I started to have memories only vague and not complete but they are not nice and I'm starting to think that where the pills are coming out my system they are unlocking lots of boxes in my head ....... I don't want to say what it is

I feel that a lot of my issues may all relate to this and have been misdiagnosed due to being locked away

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8 Replies

  • I might be young but I know how you feel. My mother didn't want my depression to be on my medical record so she stored me away from other children, and now I have no one to talk to, apart from my parents. I personally think you were given the wrong pills to take. However, mistakes have been made and there is nothing you can do about it. Except from move on. You can't change the past, you just have to keep on moving forward, keep on finding other jobs. The more you look back on the past, the more you'll lose people who are with you now. Your wife doesn't understand what you're going through, she can't sympothise the way others who are going through something similar can. Just remember all things happen for a we keep moving forward. It's too late to turn back now so move on. I know it's easier said than done but that is how things are. If you believe you can, then you will.

  • May sound really pathetic but I can't move on without her

    She is the air that I breathe

    Everything else means nothing without her

  • As I have said before I might be young but I know for a fact everyone can be replaced. You can take up a hobby. Oxygen should be the air that you're breathing - I'd be worried if it's anything else. I know what love is - been there done that, heartbroken, chocolate and other food, sleepless nights - but we all have to move on. Either willingly or by force. Love is like sunglasses - we put them on and we get protection but if they get damaged, we get hurt. What I'm trying to say is that we all must hurt in order to wake up and see the reality infront of us. See whats real instead of what you want to see.

  • Hi I am sorry you have all these problems. Have you ever had counselling? I think that would help you to deal with your issues.

    I must admit I am seeing it more from your wife's side though - having 4 chidren and you losing every job must have been hell for her and it sounds like she has been emotionally (and maybe physically?) supporting you for many years. Yet when she has been through a horrendous life changing experience (and made no mistake rape is), you couldn't support her back and actually made things worse for her. She must be feeling like she was raped twice.

    I am not trying to make you feel worse, honestly, but if you can start to understand how she feels then maybe there is a chance you can get back together. I hope you do. x

  • Trust me I do understand more than you realise

    And no one hates the way I treated her more than I do

    I worship the ground she walks on and always have ...... That night was so out of character for me and I know that I made it thousands of times worse

    I appreciate your honesty tho

  • Hi I was a bit hard on you I know but it's only to try and help you. Maybe if your wife sees you getting treatment she will have more confidence you will change? Just a thought. x

  • Well it sounds like you've created this situation for yourself and you will need to work really hard to show her you value her. Has there been any physical violence, drugs or alcohol involved? Do you do your fair share to look after the home (cooking , cleaning, laundry etc) and children or has she been the main person?

    Begging and pleading are unlikely to help, but rather actions/ behaviour

  • Ask your gp for a referral to your local mental health team for counselling. With or without your wife you need help to deal with these feelings and memories, to get stronger so that maybe you can then be the supportive husband you want to be. Don't underestimate how destructive unresolved issues of the past can be on the future.