Condition worsening?

Hello everyone, I haven't been on in a while but just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who reached out last time, it means everything to me.

Things are kind of good and kind of bad. A good thing is that my relationship with my mum has vastly improved these past few days. No matter what, she's my mum and I do love her to pieces. At the end of the day she is my best friend and the only person who really understands me and it makes me feel emotional and fulfilled that we are getting along like this.

Bad things are that I just generally feel lost. I do not know what to do. My friends aren't actual friends, I feel like I have to act like something else or I'm not liked. I don't know how to describe it. Having my mum is so great but I know that to most, the thought of not really having proper friends is strange. In a way I wish I was one of those people who was liked by everyone and I think part of me will always long for that, but oh well.

My anger is getting really awful. If anyone has had experiences with being irritable and up and down and having fits of rage about the tiniest of things, please let me know. What are your thoughts on how to deal with this? I feel I'm becoming incredibly aggressive the more depressed I get. I so long just to feel calm and happy like everyone else. I don't want to be negative but a lot of the time I'm pessimistic and can be so nasty.

I just feel a little bit like I'm going crazy and I need to get myself out of this cycle. Still haven't gone back to the doctors, still haven't been prescribed anything for my depression. So please, someone drill it into my head that this will help me and I will go.

I have also had job opportunities through people I know arranging it for me. I just wanna state that I so badly wanna work, I so badly wanna be like everyone else and get up and not be exhausted and be able to go in and deal with everyday things like working, and I psyche myself up and motivate myself and grasp onto my little bit of motivation to ARRANGE the job, but when it comes to attending I'm overcome with tiredness and dread and anxiety. Anyone who has been off work for a while with depression and has any tips for how to get back into it? I'm an emotional wreck but I know a routine will help me.

I just wanted to add that I find it really hard to get out of bed most days, and that I'm disliking summer because the sun and the brightness just emphasises it to me that everyone is outside enjoying themselves and socialising and on holiday and just generally doing amazing things and it makes me hate myself more for just wanting it to be dark so I can sleep. I look forward to night time so I can just get days over and done with.

Thank you to anyone who reads this, it's just helpful for me to be able to vent.

Lots of love,

matilda xx

4 Replies

  • Hi Matilda,

    Welcome back. I'm really glad that things have improved with your Mum. What have you done differently?

    The people who I thought were my friends at 19 are not the people I am friends with in my 30s, bar one person- and they only recently came back into my life. When you are young you are brought together by where you live, not by the choices you make.

    I understand the importance of wanting to be liked, but I've met people who I don't like, so it stands to reason that there are people who don't like me. I care a lot less about it now than I did when I was your age. You'll meet your people, but you have to put yourself out there in order to do so. Also, there is no one out there who is liked by everyone. Being a people pleaser usually just results in you not looking after what you need.

    What triggers your anger? If you don't know try and write a diary. I bet you'll notice a pattern emerging. What do you do when you are angry? How do you feel afterwards?

    You have demonstrated that you can be an adult by living independently, and you need to use that strength to take yourself to the doctors. You wouldn't walk around with a broken leg, so why walk around with a potentially poorly mind?

    I've been off work since November last year, and I was offered an interview yesterday. I think if you are being honest with yourself you would agree that you are self sabotaging when it comes to the interviews. It's scary putting yourself out there. I completely get that. Heck, I've worked since I was 16 (including during my education) and I'm going back to a part time job that is well below what I am capable of. I don't care though because I know I'm just extending my comfort zone.

    Maybe you just aren't ready to work yet. That's ok. It isn't ok for you to just stay at home and isolate yourself though. Time to look into volunteering. If you don't go, you aren't letting anyone down, and if you do go it's a bonus. Build your confidence up.

    Everyone is not out there enjoying themselves and leaving you behind. I would have looked like I was enjoying myself today because I went clothes shopping with my Mum. In reality, I am too overweight to try on any of the clothes that I looked at today, and cried in the car. I had a smile on my face, but I wasn't smiling on the inside.


  • Hi matilda i cant place you but i hope your keeping well ! I think its great youve made peace with your mum i lost my mum in september and wosh i could talk to her again ! Regarding your mood swings have you sought help for them yet and have you been back to see your doctor if not it might be a good start especially if your planning on getting back to work. ! I myself have depression,anxiety, amongst other things so if you need to talk please let me know take care and i wish you all the best david

  • Matilda, You are not on your own. The depression does that, makes you feel apart from everyone and anything. I've been taking anti depressants for 13 years. Retreat away and feel overwhelmed when any social events are on the calendar. Overpowering - not able to remember who/what made me tick.

    I know what you mean about planning and getting work. What helped me were Clothes, might sound stupid. I bought a suit for my interview and felt like I was putting on armour that shielded me. After that clothes seemed to hold all my mess in, hold me together.

    Could you try again? It could be a big boost to your self esteem. Work is my only source of that.

  • Matilda your depression ,anger,mood swings,tiredness,anxiety,brain fog,apathy can all be related to a simple vitamin deficiency Vit B12 or D.If your taking OCP,anti acids,Metformin, had nitrous oxide ( laughing gas) for dental or births these can all deplete Vit need to ask Dr to check Vit D & B12 active & serum,ferritin,iron,MMA,homocysteine levels.Watch "Diagnosing & Treating Vitamin B12 or for vital facts.You may need to find a holistic dr to treat you as I saw 15 Drs including 7 specialists to no avail.

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