Hello everyone, I haven't been on in a while but just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who reached out last time, it means everything to me.
Things are kind of good and kind of bad. A good thing is that my relationship with my mum has vastly improved these past few days. No matter what, she's my mum and I do love her to pieces. At the end of the day she is my best friend and the only person who really understands me and it makes me feel emotional and fulfilled that we are getting along like this.
Bad things are that I just generally feel lost. I do not know what to do. My friends aren't actual friends, I feel like I have to act like something else or I'm not liked. I don't know how to describe it. Having my mum is so great but I know that to most, the thought of not really having proper friends is strange. In a way I wish I was one of those people who was liked by everyone and I think part of me will always long for that, but oh well.
My anger is getting really awful. If anyone has had experiences with being irritable and up and down and having fits of rage about the tiniest of things, please let me know. What are your thoughts on how to deal with this? I feel I'm becoming incredibly aggressive the more depressed I get. I so long just to feel calm and happy like everyone else. I don't want to be negative but a lot of the time I'm pessimistic and can be so nasty.
I just feel a little bit like I'm going crazy and I need to get myself out of this cycle. Still haven't gone back to the doctors, still haven't been prescribed anything for my depression. So please, someone drill it into my head that this will help me and I will go.
I have also had job opportunities through people I know arranging it for me. I just wanna state that I so badly wanna work, I so badly wanna be like everyone else and get up and not be exhausted and be able to go in and deal with everyday things like working, and I psyche myself up and motivate myself and grasp onto my little bit of motivation to ARRANGE the job, but when it comes to attending I'm overcome with tiredness and dread and anxiety. Anyone who has been off work for a while with depression and has any tips for how to get back into it? I'm an emotional wreck but I know a routine will help me.
I just wanted to add that I find it really hard to get out of bed most days, and that I'm disliking summer because the sun and the brightness just emphasises it to me that everyone is outside enjoying themselves and socialising and on holiday and just generally doing amazing things and it makes me hate myself more for just wanting it to be dark so I can sleep. I look forward to night time so I can just get days over and done with.
Thank you to anyone who reads this, it's just helpful for me to be able to vent.
Lots of love,