In recovery, Getting back to Basics


I have had a turbulent few months and I apologize for not checking in on the forum. I have had internet access but have developed a bit of a fixation with podcasts and knitting patterns (my dopamine hit, it could be worse, eh?) and don't extend myself much beyond those.

I was determind to hold onto my temp job, although I didn't feel confident at all about returning, as am still not sleeping, but did get some support and was given a phased return which did help. I start later and have also had to reduce my hours.

Due to me being incapacitated my caring duties -and pretty much everything else- frankly, ground to a halt. I had a few weeks respite in mental health house, where I was just so exhausted from not sleeping that I barely moved for first few days. However I think that rest was needed. The meds I've been given have alleviated the anxiety to such an extent that I now know how it feels to be NOT anxious and this has been the main benefit. I still have peripheral anxiety (like worrying if I have enough beverages stored in the house for when the world goes to s**# and there's no more running water- yes, this IS the less anxious version of myself!!) but really, it's been a revelation. No wonder I had no energy or aptitude for doing much beyond basic survival these past decades. So I must have a really wonky brain and medication has helped with that. The depression is still there, but have come out of the "trough of despair" - and just feel "normally depressed". I'm sure many of you know what I mean. I can now eat, but rarely cook, I have little interest or energy in doing much beyond wash -dress- work- eat- lie down, but on some days, good days, I can do joined-up thinking, may even contact people or go out.

My concentration and memory is compromised, and have come to conclusion that the menopause fairy has granted me some hormonal pick and mix that makes me more forgetful, more clumsy and probably more chronically depressed, with extra insomnia sprinkles.

I feel there's a tangible link between the depression and the menopause, but the health professionals are very hazy about that so I have to self-advocate a lot.

I'm thinking of asking for HRT; if anyone has or is going this route I'd be interested to hear from you.

Pyschiatrist has prescribed a higher dose of venlafaxine, and also wants to add mirtazipine for the insomnia. I have been using zopiclone sparingly, plus podcasts.

I still sleep less 4/5 hours most nights, have crazy dreams, and suffer 'drag' from the zopiclone, but I have to find a way to sleep as I feel it's going to finish me off sooner than later if I don't. Here's me, actually wanting to live a bit longer, or at least not suffer physical complications down the line.

Situation with elder relative has become crazy, first week I returned to work she fell and was hospitalized, and twice more since then. Social worker is calling me and basically nagging me about the jobs I haven't been doing for her, and of course I still haven't had a carer's assessment. I just have to muddle through it all, and I find now I give much less of a s**# (sorry for the swearing) about what people think of me, I'm quite aware of my own shortcomings thank you. I'm feeling both more compassionate toward myself and others, and also less tolerant of being jerked around. This has been a long post, I hope to reconnect with the folks here, and visit more frequently from now on.

Best wishes to all.

1 Reply

  • Hi and thanks for the update. Sounds like things have been very up and down for you and you have a lot of stresses in your life right now.

    It's always lovely to reconnect so I will just say "hi again" and "welcome".

    Gemma XXX