I messed upped my relationship with the person who meant the most to me. He was there for me when i was depressed or wanted to die, he would come out at stupid hours to make sure I was ok and did everything he could to help me stay alive. But i threw it all back at him and pushed him to far now he is miserable whenever he sees me and doesnt want to be around me until I can control myself.
I miss him a lot because everything felt easier when i was with him. I wasnt scared, i felt safe and to an extent happy.
I tried comming suicide because i felt like i had turned into a monster and if i died then i couldnt hurt him anymore. I feel that Ive become malniputive, extremely selfish, and i cant seem to stop. I have panic/depressive episodes and episodes where I struggle with energy and often pass out. But how I handle them makes it come across like I fake them for attention, when in reality i just have so little confidence I need people to tell me what i want to hear. Ive been trying for four years to get proper help but all ive been given is councling and ive never gotten a proper diagnosis.
Ive taken myself away from anything thats means I come in contact with him because i want to give him space, which means i dont really have any activities I can do anymore or people I can talk too. I dont have a job and Ive given up on a lot of my hobbies. I want to get better and be able to look after myself and be a good friend again, but i dont know where to start.