Keeping faith

[Satsuma]

Well today is another day. It is difficult. A fight. An ongoing battle. I yearn for a hug off the people I made. I go through this every single day. Like poison flowing through my veins. Do they miss me ? Do they need me ? I am broken hearted. Do they even think of me ? We are estranged. They have been poisoned with words. I have been told by an authority that they do need me and will continue to need me. I will get help to see them. I find it hard to believe. I feel for them. My lil peeps. Bless their tiny hearts. I look at pictures and videos of years gone by, the happy times we had. The letters they wrote and the pictures they drew. Since then the time has flew. No services have told me I cannot see them. It came from another source. I was so vulnerable. Time has lapsed.The meds i was on I feel rendered me incapable of fighting my corner. I am now med free. My strength restoreth slowly but surely. I await for the day I will see them and I am afraid that when I do the shock may be too great for me and kill me. I am crying for them. Desperate to see them and keeping my faith is giving me hope. See I am not cured, tears are falling as I write this. I cannot though let this keep me down. I have to fight and keep hold of the light that now shines on me. I have to make it bigger and brighter. Just having a wobbly moment but it will pass

[Hidden]

I am sorry you've gone through this. I can't compare anything in my life to what you've gone through. The only thing I can say is work towards seeing them again. Get the support you need to help you deal with the feelings you have and plan out that meeting. They want to see you, remember it's not all your fault that you couldn't see them. Yes you were ill, but you are better now.

That first meeting will be tough. I know that because my ex , we were dating at the time, told me he'd stopped seeing his family years prior to us meeting. We spoke about the situation and I encouraged him to get in touch with his Mum. That first meeting was tough for both of them, but it was good to see. They had issues to work out and they did. He then got in touch with is siblings and finally his father. He spent some happy years after that with his father, who was unwell, before he passed and the same with his Mum. He still see's his brother and sister and they've mended the fences now.

The shock won't be too great, you'll feel so much better to see them and although there may be tough conversations while you all work over the past you'll be happy to see them again.

I know you feel bad about not being there for them, but you are getting better and if you'd had a choice you would never have been ill in the first place.

Look forward to seeing them again and hopefully you can enjoy the time ahead.

We all get wobbly moments and you are getting there cause you recognise it now and the positive statement " I cannot though let this keep me down. I have to fight and keep hold of the light that now shines on me. I have to make it bigger and brighter." Is good and you've made that light shine a little brighter with that statement.

(I hope I haven't made you cry again. )

Take care

x

[Satsuma in reply to Hidden]

Hidden Thankyou for your reply and for sharing your story. It has given me much hope. I appreciate that. You didn't make me cry but it did touch me deeply. I have had a good day and feel stronger today by a notch more than yesterday