My head - another poem

[Satsuma]

My head is busy, I often feel dizzy.

Thoughts racing thick and fast,

Once upon a time, life, I did enjoy,

My days were always a blast.

I met a man, then all did change,

He often kicked me down the drain.

Called me fat, I did not like that,

He called me a heffer,

I starved til I was light as a feather.

I bore him children, two beautiful girls,

The day he took them from me,

My life changed in a whirl.

I sit here now in second class,

I feel like I am a load of trash.

The years passed by without a word,

Then in the post came an almighty letter.

From that day on, things have not got better.

The court I am fighting, for that I did not do,

Allegations thrown at me in absurd sexually.

I will fight my corner, like little jack horner,

I hope to pull out a plum, and stop this feeling of glum.

Innocent I am, I will stand my right,

To see my future, big, beautiful and bright.

As for my children, teens now they both are,

Abused and betrayed, they are near yet so far.

I look up to the sky and pray up to God,

They are only here cos they were expelled from my bod,

I nearly died on the bed that day,

I sure lost the battle, my baby so lifeless she lay,

Her cry then beckoned as she fought her first breath, relief it poured through me,

I smiled with glee, but the tears they did trip me, I felt fearfully.

My body was broken, beyond it's repair,

Disability it has got me and won't let me go.

The pain it does sear me,

I been told it is here to stay.

Sixteen years later I still have the hurt,

Now I have more, it seems all that I know.

To pull the plug see I would welcome it well.

Getting through each day is pure living hell.

[Catmag]

So sorry you're having such an awful time.

I can't even imagine the despair at being in an abusive relationship but to have that bully take your children from you is barbaric cruelty..

I can only offer my sympathy and wish you success in court.

Take care.

[Satsuma in reply to Catmag]

Thank you Catmag This is the last straw for me. I am tried and not enjoying living. The only way I can express my anger I guess is through poetry

[Marguerite9]

Well Satsuma you may think you are nothing, but I think you are wonderful the way you have put together this super poem. I do hope you have success in Court and that happiness will come into your life.

Marguerite9 x

[Satsuma in reply to Marguerite9]

I give you thanks too Marguerite9 I gonna give it my best shot.

[Stilltrying_]

Satsuma I am glad you have found a way of expressing the terrible hurt that you feel. It sure comes across you have had a tough time and i hope it goes well for you in the courts and you eventually get some healing. Gemma x

[Satsuma in reply to Stilltrying_]

Stilltrying_ I Thankyou and appreciate your comments profusely

[Iluvhorses]

Good luck in court and I'm sorry for your loss.

[Satsuma in reply to Iluvhorses]

Iluvhorses Thanking you for your wishes

[Satsuma in reply to Satsuma]

Well they are not exactly wishes but I think you may know what I mean

[Iluvhorses in reply to Satsuma]

No worries. They are wishes.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Satsuma]

Oh. I misread your poem. I thought your spouse beat one of your kids to death! Thank goodness that didn't happen, but I'm sorry you were hurt during the birth. Just remember that there is always hope and that life is worth living.

[Satsuma]

Many women suffer giving birth. There are many who will continue to also which is not good. I maybe should become an ambassador to alert mums to be to the dangers that can happen so as to prepare them. I was not prepared for what happened to me and it is still difficult to live with all these years later. Maybe doing so will be my healing and maybe my life purpose

[Iluvhorses in reply to Satsuma]

Maybe. I apologize for misunderstanding your poem again. I thought you were physically hurt to the point of no recovery. Now it makes sense.

[SinkingCindy]

I am so sorry you have this heavy burden to carry. Your poem has helped me and many I am sure. I am praying for you and hoping for the best for you in court.

[Satsuma in reply to SinkingCindy]

SinkingCindy Thankyou dear. I sure am glad to read that it has been of help. I do not aim to bring anyone down but I do aim to raise awareness of how very low one can feel when struggling through burden.

[Satsuma in reply to Satsuma]

Someone of professional capacity told me the other day to pull myself together and stop focusing on the negatives, needless to say she was not acting professional as one does not ideally tell someone suffering from depression to do this. I have bipolar and it is a curse to live with. You cannot see it but I feel it all too deeply. She upset me so much I felt very angry. Some people would of planted her one. I would sooner hurt myself than other people. I think she escaped lightly.

[Karenkaye]

Satsuma, Poetry has often saved my life and my mind. I hope you find the support you need to keep on each day. Your situation sounds like a nightmare. I hope peace finds you. Please check in here to let us know how you are.

[Satsuma in reply to Karenkaye]

Karenkaye Hi and Thankyou I will check in. Feeling below par today. It is one huge struggle to keep going.. Life is not good and I am not enjoying it one bit. I am being honest and open about it. One day soon I will do something I can feel it coming and it is mighty scarey. I am awaiting an assessment

[Karenkaye]

Hi Satsuma, Strong feelings like yours/ours can be scarey. Glad you're getting an assessment. If your assessment doesn't come before unhealthy actions seem like good ideas you can check yourself in under emergency conditions. I hope you have a helpful doctor that you're keeping in contact with. I was checked into an emergency psych unit once, 28 years ago. I've never had to go back there. It took a lot of therapeutic work to,stay well. My healing heart thoughts go out to you. Talk to you tomorrow, here.

[Satsuma]

Karenkaye I again Thankyou for your reply. I am clutching at straws and so many things have changed. My outlook on life is so very differebt. Been through firey hell lateky. I thought I was making progress through life then whoomph a knock down comes AGAIN and one can only take so much. I have had emergency services tell me most people would not have been able to take what I am going through. For about three years I used mind bending substances to get me through each day. I am a straight edge now as I gave up habits of self destruction. Thinking about using again though as they did numb a lot of pain both mental and physical. I guess now I am feeling it full pelt and again I stress that one can only take a certain limit You can only get so much liquid in a cup. No stiff upper lip for me anymore as keeping things bottled up is worse. Am letting it all out.